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Should my girlfriend go to a dance with another guy?


deadxheaven
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We just see it differently. I see you as an adult who is obligated as an adult to act in the best interests of a minor who, by definition is not at an age where she can make certain decisions for herself or live independently, etc. You know all of this which is probably why your reactions to my posts and those of others suggesting the same or similar actions are defensive and hostile. To me, acting in her best interests means taking the steps and actions I suggested above. You disagree. Let's agree to disagree.

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She shouldn't be going to the dance with this guy IF he likes her, I don't care if he is her best friend's cousin.

 

Ok. If you truly believe this, then what does it tell you that she is still deciding to go?

 

Yes, I know you mentioned above that neither you nor her know Chad's *true* motives for asking her. BUT if this is ONE possibility that he asked your gf to go to this dance and she STILL accepted the date and is deciding to go, what does this tell you?

 

 

 

I'm not interested in seeing other people and neither is she.

 

Well, are you sure about her?

 

You maintain: your gf is not interested in seeing other people

 

YET

 

1) She's agreed to go on this date with CHad

2) Chad might like her and she is aware of this fact

3) She knows you do not wish her to go and yet she is still going

 

 

To be honest, something does not add up here.

 

 

Just because she has made a bad decision in agreeing to go to this dance not realising how badly it was going to affect me and not understanding we had already decided she wasn't going to go, she has to suffer forever knowing this decision removed me from her life.

 

You say you two BOTH made the decision that she was not going to go.

Her actions now seem to contradict that.

 

I do not believe she has not made a "bad" decision to go to the dance; she made a decision for herself and bc you do not agree with her decision, you deem it as "bad."

 

 

If you love her as much as you do, let this girl make up her own mind about her own life. As I mentioned above, she's already explained to you the circumstances by which she has been recruited to go.

 

Either you believe her and trust that she is going bc she was urged by her best friend Angel and let it go at that.

 

OR

 

You do NOT believe her, you think there's something else going on, and if this is the case, ask yourself this: do you really want to be with someone who lies, cheats, and blames her best friend for her wrongdoings?

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We just see it differently. I see you as an adult who is obligated as an adult to act in the best interests of a minor who, by definition is not at an age where she can make certain decisions for herself or live independently, etc. You know all of this which is probably why your reactions to my posts and those of others suggesting the same or similar actions are defensive and hostile. To me, acting in her best interests means taking the steps and actions I suggested above. You disagree. Let's agree to disagree.

 

Yes, we will agree to disagree because your advice and suggestions are a solution you see as something that should happen overall and I am just asking for suggestions on how to handle myself to make it through the rest of this week. I don't take much of what you tell me to heart because you have an automatic bias because you see her as a minor and it distracts you from looking at the specific situation.

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Yes, we will agree to disagree because your advice and suggestions are a solution you see as something that should happen overall and I am just asking for suggestions on how to handle myself to make it through the rest of this week. I don't take much of what you tell me to heart because you have an automatic bias because you see her as a minor and it distracts you from looking at the specific situation.

 

I see the situation in context, not in a vacuum -- which is the proper way to analyze as opposed to "bias" and a "distraction" and my suggestions above are precisely on how you should handle yourself this week, as well as overall. You are the biased and distracted one, determined to continue pursuing a young girl in this way despite all the glaring red flags and potentially serious harm.

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honestly i dont think you should worry because i was in the same situation i had to go to a dance with someone who wasnt my boyfriend..because he wasn't in school it took a toll on him first but then he realized that it wasnt such a big thing and that he trusted me...so basically im just telling you to trust her if she's true to you nothing will happen. and plus you cant hold her back from her social affairs with school and everything so just let her go and try not to worry so much.

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Yeah, I'm not upset that much anymore. It would be really different if the guy she was going with was not her best friend's cousin. She wouldn't even have agreed to go if that was the case. She did express to me how she felt bad for Chad though because he was stood up at his homecoming dance.

 

We discussed the details of the entire day as well as the event itself. That helped me a lot. I learned the dance itself only is to last only two hours. She'll be talking to Angel much of the time anyway. She's pretty sure of it, but she's going to make sure again Chad is aware this is just a date between friends. If Chad wants to slowdance she won't feel like it. He certainly isn't going to try to kiss her. She isn't going to do anything to hurt me.

 

Afterwards Angel, her date, my girlfriend and some other girl are going to hang out at some pizzeria and then my girlfriend and Angel are going to stay over at the girl's house. I won't hear from her until Sunday. I think there really is something to be said about fear of the unknown. The more details I learned the better I felt about things as well. She's even going to bring her camera to take me pictures of herself in the dress and with her friends and so on to share to me when she's home.

 

One unfortunate side effect of my being upset occurred though Wednesday. I was upset and took extra long naps and thereforeeee missed my girlfriend's calls and when she came online the entire day and evening. Completely unintentionally and by accident. She read it as I was avoiding her and thought so far as to think I wouldn't want her to call me for the evening. Instead, her ex-boyfriend whom I mentioned previously came online after them not having contact in months since i had gotten together with her and she offered to call him! So she called him that night during the time when she'd normally call me and they talked from 11 pm until 12:30 midnight. She was unable to tell me she had did this herself. A friend of mine and hers had to relay the information to me in the morning and I dwelled on it all day until she called me for the night and we talked about it better. I was very upset and hurt. It seems that it was innocent though. She told me she didn't even lie in bed like she does with me and instead she was sitting and she remained in her clothes and not her pajammas and made it very impersonal and formal. She didn't make herself comfortable at all and she didn't do any of her night time routine such as taking her contacts out for him or anything. She agreed though she wasn't thinking when she called him even though the call doesn't seem like it was a big deal. He has a girlfriend of his own now and he spoke of her and his college courses and she talked about school and her classes and he asked her how things were with her boyfriend (me) and she was like that's the thing I can't talk about. She told me she had rather been on the phone with me. I guess it's okay she called him? I don't want this to become a habit though. Her ex was a jerk to her and controlled her and she was scared of him and he cheated on her. Even after she broke up with him for me and was trying to talk to him on occasion he'd sneak little flirtatious comments into the conversations and perform emotes such as *kisses* and *nuzzles* or try to call her. I can't understand really why she was so desperate to talk to someone that she chose him of all people. And it's my fault because I have been so upset during our phone calls over this dance situation that she didn't think I wanted to talk to her. It's kind of sad she chose him to talk to over me though, even for one time. It worries me that she could do such a thing if I would stop talking to her. All I saw it as was he took my night when she should have been calling me. It was as if I didn't have enough to be upset over concerning the dance - now this got thrown into the mix.

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I have said this before and you have protested, but your behavior still sounds controlling to me.

 

"It's your night" to talk to her? I understand you have a habit, but she is allowed to talk to other people, right? One of her friends told her for you? Listen, apart from the fact that you have "informers" to tell you what your girlfriend is up to, the fact that your girlfriend didn't tell means that she was either scared to, or doesn't think it's a big deal. If she was scared, well, you know what that says about you. If she doesn't think it's a big deal, then clearly she does not have the same relationship exclusivity standards that you do, as evidenced by her going to the dance.

 

The way you talk about how she reassured you that she wasn't in her bed, wasn't in her pajamas ... I find it controlling - do you REALLY think talking to someone on the phone while wearing pjs in intimate? You're making it intimate because that's all you have. It's a big deal to you because that's all you have. This is not a full, real, real-life relationship.

 

There seems to be some discrepancy between the "controlling ex" story you're telling us, and the one she calls and is happy to talk to. I don't know what to think.

 

As others have asked, why haven't you met and when are you going to?

 

Also, do you have a job?

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I would assume they haven't met because her parents probably disapprove, and/or she probably prefers the fantasy of having a protective older man to talk to and play "girlfriend" of and/or I assume he could risk trouble with the police or other authorities if he is with an underage girl.

 

I agree with all that you said - the behavior gets increasingly unstable and controlling and all out of context to the type of interaction this is.

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Deadxheaven,

 

As everyone else has stated, there are a lot of other issues of concern in this situation besides just your concern about your "gf" going to the dance with Chad.

 

You have been asked the following question several times and each time, you have changed the subject, been avasive, or ignored it altogether. It is an important question and is something that you should perhaps be asking yourself: Why haven't you met your girlfriend in person?

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No, no, if she wouldn't have misunderstood that I didn't want her to call me, she would have been on the phone with me and not him. Of course she is allowed to call other people. Calling her ex during a night she didn't think I wanted to talk to her though is what hurt me. Not that she called someone other than me. She has never called her ex since they had broken up until that night and not even spoken to him online for months because all he used to do was flirt to her and hit on her and she was annoyed by it and it upset me. Why subject herself to that for no reason? Now you seem to not believe my words which I said about him and they seem to have lost their credibility. Well, she left him didn't she? Her friends all didn't like him as well and warned her about him. Also, just like me her best friend knew of him but didn't know she was involved with him and she didn't like the guy either. He was making my girlfriend miserable and bringing out bad habits from her. I know what he was like because she would come to me upset by him all the time and she shared to me the actions she was taking because she was so lost and neglected by him. If you want to argue that I am only seeing what was doing as bad habits, when would cheating ever be a good habit?

 

Also, the fact that she didn't tell me herself directly and instead someone else told me is being understood wrong. It was morning and she had to go to school. I came out to the computer too late to catch her to be able to talk with her. The friend had my girlfriend's permission to share to me the conversation she had with her about her calling her ex-boyfriend. You make this sound as if I have my friends spying on my girlfriend and reporting back to me her whereabouts and actions. That is not the case at all. When she was home from school she called me and we discussed it for awhile in the afternoon. It wasn't that she was afraid to tell me or wasn't going to tell me. She's not scared of me and she doesn't keep things from me. If that was the case, let's go back to the whole dance situation. If she kept things from me, why tell me?

 

The details about how she spoke to him where she explained how she was sitting and not lying down and etc. were shared to her of her own free will by me. I didn't and wouldn't have even thought to wonder about such details. Also she wasn't happy to talk to him, it was just something to do, someone to talk to. The call didn't even last that long. On the surface it just seems like something you don't do in the rules of relationship etiquette - calling one's ex-boyfriend. I was upset because of the way the friend introduced it to me, already saying I was going to be mad and upset. So of course, it's self-fulfilling. If you're told you're going to react a certain way, don't you usually react just like that, even though there might not be a real need for it? You've already been set up.

 

Some of you here are trying to intentionally make me upset again over this and it's not going to work. She's gone already by now heading over to her best friend's who lives in another town. The dance will happen this evening. I trust her and always have. She's made every attempt to reassure me that everything will be okay. I don't see it as controlling that I asked for more details about the event and what she was doing with her friends afterwards and she didn't see it as that either. You're just twisting it to suit your own purposes and preconceived ideas. She told me she'd take me pictures to share with me so I can have something to look forward to. I do feel a bit left out since I cannot have physical closeness at the moment with her. There s no doubt in my mind that we are in a relationship. It is stable and supportive and loving. Stop saying that we do not have the same exclusivity rights. I am going to repeat again, had this been anyone other than her best friend's cousin asking her to the dance she would have said no. She doesn't see Chad in that way and as I said before she thought he was joking at first when he first asked her. If she was single even, she told me she would just view the dance as a way to possibly meet some new people and still see it as a night out with friends. She really doesn't have feelings for Chad at all - whether single or taken.

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My observation - a very long post that, not surprisingly, does not answer the question about why you have not met in person yet and when, if ever, you plan to meet in person. Obviously you do not have to respond to that question but by not doing so it gives a certain impression.

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I am not evading your questions. I am pretty sure at some time in there I said that we plan to meet in person. I am not planning to keep this limited to just an online relationship. When exactly that time will be is not certain. It'd be nice to wait until she was older and not so busy with school. You people come down on her for being a minor and don't really try to understand, nor do I really care if you do or don't. Also it is lame that some of you choose to put "gf" in quotes as if the title means nothing to either of us just for the fact that for the time being she is online. Also, these are just side discussions which really have no relevancy to the question I was seeking advice and feedback to. You may think they relate, but to me they do not. The event has happened, she went. It's over with now by this time actually. Now all there is to do is await hearing from her when she gets back tomorrow.

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There's nothing to understand beyond, you're an adult typing and talking to a young girl, trying to enforce her promise to you not to date other boys, and the issues that are coming up are perfectly consistent with her being a young high school girl doing very normal activities for a young high school girl, with the only difference being that there is an adult male who types and talks to her and takes advantage of her age and stage in life by trying to control her and keep her from living a normal teenage life.

 

Yes, there is an element of choice on her part but given her age, and the difference in ages, she does not have the experience, knowledge or maturity to make a sensible choice. What she is doing that is sensible is not telling her friends about you so that she can go on dates and socialize as if she was unattached, and thereforeeee keep her options open. Good for her, I say.

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Yeah, that's exactly what is going on. Wow, thank you so much for showing me the light. How many times have I said that she doesn't like Chad that way and she only went to the dance because he is her best friend's cousin. Had it been any other guy she would have declined. I don't see it as being anything more than an outing with friends now. After the dance, according to the plans she shared to me, he wasn't even in the picture for the rest of the evening and it turned into an evening with her other friends. I already got over this situation, why can't you? You don't listen and I am just bored now so I am going to try to tell you once more, she isn't dating around on me or keeping her options open. This was a special circumstance. We have a committed relationship. If she was going to date around don't you think it would make sense just to do it and not tell me? I mean it'd be really easy to do that and really take advantage of the fact that we are online and I'd probably never find out. Just that she is telling me this should say something. It never was about not trusting her. It just seemed to be in my relationship morals and etiquette something that you just shouldn't do. I was stuck that Chad had said she was going to be his date and I was just looking at it as a date in the romantic sense and not for what it was - a dance. I am not taking advantage of her age or stage in life or trying to control her. She wants to be with me. Again, you make it seem as if I am forcing this girl to be my girlfriend and she doesn't really want to be or maybe this is all in my head and she's just some girl I like and I am delusional. The feelings are mutual and talk about us as a couple and frequently say we love each other.

 

The reason she doesn't tell her best friend and her cousin about me is not so she can go on dates. Everyone else knows she is involved. This dance was not at her own school. It doesn't matter who sees her or not because it wasn't her own classmates. I will repeat again that her best friend would have a problem with me for the fact that I am online. I already attempted to speak to her and she blocked me for that reason only. Once I meet her AND her best friend there no longer will be any issues regarding this because I won't just be someone online.

 

Honestly, I don't owe you any further explanations but as I said I was bored and this was a way to pass a few minutes of time. You're annoying and you know you are trying to get a rise out of me. I can grace you with a reply but after it is all said and done you are online too, and I tune you and your so-called advice out as soon as I leave this forum.

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There is no way to tell whether a young girl has the wherewithal to decide to be with a man of your age, much less someone she's never met. As far as you tuning me out since I'm only online that is exactly what this young girl can do, too and one way she does that is by keeping her interactions with you a secret from those who are closest to her so that she can maintain her unattached status in real life and with her friends.

 

As far as "Chad" - even if this was a real life relationship she has with you and even if she was an adult (both of which are untrue), an adult who promises to be exclusive does not go out with another man who doesn't know she is in an exclusive relationship because that behavior is inconsistent with being in an exclusive relationship.

 

If someone wants to hide the fact that she is in a relationship, that's fine other than when she is hiding it from someone she has agreed to go on a date with. She has her priorities clear. Her priorities are to hide her interactions with you from her friends even if it means having to go on a date with another man. Her priority is not her commitment to you and I don't care how many I love yous she says. Watch the feet - walking to a dance with another guy - not the lips - the I love yous which apparently do not reflect a commitment to you.

 

If she was committed to you, she wouldn't hide it from another man who is attracted to her and who she agreed to go on a date with, and she would have met you in person by now. But all that is moot- this is very safe for both of you - you can't meet her because she's underage and you'll get yourself into trouble - - and she can't meet you because she's underage so it's a safe way to perpetuate this fantasy of this older man typing and talking to a young girl who loves the attentions of an older man while in real life she gets to do as she pleases.

 

And, no I don't think her going on a date is cheating. I think you are cheating her by taking advantage of a young girl and claiming that she has "decided" to be with you when you as the adult should know better. How would you like it if she were your daughter or younger sister?

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If her best friend didn't have a date she was supposed to have gone to the dance with her. I wouldn't have had any type of problem with that. It just seems that I myself, as a guy, felt threatened by the prospect of my girlfriend being asked by another guy and I lost sight of the fact that this was her best friend's cousin. I dredged up her past (as limited as it was) with the guy and dwelled on it and worried even though the conclusion from that even was that she didn't like him nor see him that way.

 

Also, you're still not listening. Everyone else knows she is in a relationship except for her best friend (because of her disapproving of those online) and thereforeeee her best friend's cousin since they are close and would tell the other. The online thing applies to EVERYONE my girlfriend knows online, including her ex-boyfriend and her other friends. Angel just doesn't like people whom she doesn't know and my girlfriend just would rather not deal with this and so she doesn't talk about ANY people she knows online to her, with myself being no exception.

 

Whether Chad liked her or not or had feelings for her was still unknown but she wasn't going to allow him to act on any of those feelings if he did have any. Again, you're assuming the only reason a guy could ask someone out to a dance would be because he has feelings for her. Relating to my own experience, I once tried to ask a girl to a dance once just to have a date for the dance - I didn't necessarily like her in that way as well. Back to the dance (which is over) my girlfriend felt bad Chad got stood up for his homecoming dance and she's a kind and good hearted person and she didn't want that to happen to him again simply because he had unwittingly asked her not knowing she was involved. She explained that to me saying it seems like an excuse but that makes sense to me. She wasn't hoping he would make a move on her or kiss her or even slowdance with her. It was only going to be for a duration of 2 hours where she even had contact with him. Her best friend was more excited about her date because she went with a guy she actually liked in the romantic sense. My girlfriend viewed the entire experience as just an outing with friends. You just aren't going to understand and you also act as if I haven't discussed any of this with my girlfriend. I feel bad I even started this topic because I am over this and everyone just keeps going on and on trying to upset me. I may or may not post a followup (because after all I am sure you are all dying to know the outcome) as to what actually happened and then I think everyone who is being negative to me can just stuff it.

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As I wrote, to me if a woman has an exclusive boyfriend it is inconsistent with that commitment to accept a date with another man who does not know she has a boyfriend. It doesn't matter if she doesn't intend it to be a date, or if nothing happens - she is giving the impression to him and to everyone else that she is single and available to date.

 

To me when a person is in a relationship he or she needs to act appropriately and accordingly with that commitment to the outside world so as not to give the misleading impression that he/she is single to members of the opposite sex. It doesn't matter if the person's "best friend" "disapproves" - so, if the best friend tells her to jump off a bridge, she'd do that as well?

 

In your case it doesn't apply in my opinion because it is inappropriate for you, an adult, to expect a young girl you have never met to have the wherewithal to promise to be exclusive with a man almost old enough to be her father and inappropriate to allow her to make that promise to you given the age difference and the illegality/immorality of this situation you have created and you as an adult are the one responsible for, not her.

 

So, in my opinion she should be behaving as if she is a single teenager and you as an adult should act in her best interests and tell her that even if she wants to be exclusive with you she is not old enough to make that decision with respect to an adult male she has never met in person, and for her own good you as an adult will do the right thing and back off that whole issue until she is of age and until and unless you can date in person.

 

I am sorry to keep repeating this but since you keep insisting that I am not paying attention to what you have written I feel I need to repeat that I am paying attention and this is my reaction and opinion. It just happens not to be what you want to hear. I understand that.

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