Letting go in the hopes they will come back

[hennypenny3288]

Do people ever just let go of an impossible relationship in the hopes the other person will miss them and come back? What is the likelihood of that?

 

People here seem to continuously advocate NC as the only way to go, but as you apply the tenets of NC, don't you people ever keep in the back of your head, the slight hope the ex will miss you and come back, in whatever shape or form possible.

 

NC is cool. It helps to take the desperation out of the equation. But to give up all hope is cruel indeed too.

[catren]

Of course. I think keeping a little hope and letting go of it a little of it at a time is how we heal.

[hennypenny3288]

I know self-control is important, but to use self-control and letting go as methods of bringing the ex back, is that ever possible?

 

I am so in pain.

[catren]

I don't know. It certainly hasn't worked for me...yet (lol). And, to be honest, I don't think it will. But, NC is the only way I can keep my sanity. Trying to stay in contact with him kept me feeling horrible - all the time. I kept wanting to hear things from him that he just didn't say.

 

I know the pain is tough. There is nothing easy about the end of a relationship especially when it's not our choice.

 

You said the relationship is "impossible". What did you mean by that?

[hennypenny3288]

The person loves someone else and doesn't love me in that way.

[baddasslegend92]

It happened to me.now Im not sure if I want her back!!!!We was broken up for 2 weeks and now she admitted she slept with someone else during that time period, Now she wants me back...Hell !!!now that she's back I don't know if I can trust her.O well!!!

[catren]

Well, as hard as this is to hear, I think you have to accept that he will not likely be coming back. I know that hurts like heck but I have found that acceptance is the only thing that will ever move us out of the pain.

 

You WILL be okay. It WILL get better. Until then, seek the support that you need here and please know that many others here are feeling just as you are and are here for you.

[baddasslegend92]

Well, as hard as this is to hear, I think you have to accept that he will not likely be coming back. I know that hurts like heck but I have found that acceptance is to only thing that will ever move us out of the pain.

 

You WILL be okay. It WILL get better. Until then, seek the support that you need here and please know that many others here are feeling just as you are and are here for you.

 

exactly...Time will heal...and keep your friends around!!!

[hennypenny3288]

He and I are still friends. We decided to keep a friendship. He found someone else. It hurts like hell to see and think of him with someone else. He still wants a friendship with me and we see each other as platonic friends on a consistent basis.

[majord23]

The terms "Letting go" and "in the hope of" do not belong in the same sentence.

Let go because it frees you from the situation and the pain, do not 'let go' to get a reaction.

[mikeca]

well to me it becomes less hope and more if we were meant for each other we'll meet again at some point but for now perhaps she isnt the one and I have to move forward.

[majord23]

well to me it becomes less hope and more if we were meant for each other we'll meet again at some point but for now perhaps she isnt the one and I have to move forward.

 

Exactly mike.

Letting go pretty much means putting your hands up and saying: "There's nothing more I can do."

And then leaving the situation to 'fate' if you like. There shouldn't be any hope pinned to it however, just reservation or acceptance.

[Batya33]

I have one former friend who, last time we spoke (5 years ago) was married 10 years to a man who came back (they had no contact for 8 months, got back together, engaged after 8 months and married a year later) and another who has been married almost 2 years - he came back also after about a year and they were engaged 4 months later, married about 10 months later.

[bear12]

ugh.. that is so nice to hear, but at the same time, i don't want to cling to false hope... the same thing happened to my best friend. they were HS sweethearts.. together for three years then broken up for two and NC that whole time and then met again realized they were still in love and were engaged three months later. i'm in their wedding this summer. let's just hope i can make it through without bawling!!

 

i guess i don't really have a point to my post other than saying i keep hoping the same will happen to me, and that makes it hard to properly move on, even though i know i have to.

[blender]

If you are still emotionally vulnerable then it's best to go no contact, and to let go with love for YOURSELF. there is no healthy reason for you to be staying friends with your ex at this time, it's not sincere, because you are "pretending to be okay with just being his buddy" when deep in your heart you hope for more, and this "lying to yourself just to keep him in your life" will only prolong your healing process.

 

It's fine to "let go, and go "no contact", and still have some "hope" that the ex may discover in time some "authentic feelings for you".. but you remove the opportunity of this by now choosing to define yourself as a "buddy" in his life. All the while you heart is aching...that's not fair to you. So why do this to yourself? What do you hope to gain in the long run?

 

YOU are worthy of a loving, loyal, wonderful man in your life.. but first you need to heal from this "loss of what you hoped could be" and to get into the "acceptance" that for right now "it isn't as you hoped".. yes that is so painful, but try to separate the "feelings from the facts".

 

Feelings: "you hoped he (or whomever you will choose to love, now or in the future) would be exclusively with you, respect you, and have share love with you.

 

FACT: He's not ready to give this to you, and he's seeing someone else, and YOU are worthy of setting some boundaries, standards and values for your own heart, by letting go, and no longer giving him the honor of your presense in his life as it is proving to be too painful for you.

 

If the ex is not making an intentional loving effort to be in your life working on being an exclusive couple with YOU, and that is in FACT what you really want, then it's time to feel all your feelings, work through them with friends, family, or with us here, and to let go, heal, move on, and re-gain your sense of self. yes this is very difficult to do, but the "right thing" to do usually IS the most difficult.

 

Take some time to cry, cry, cry, we've all been there, get a new hobby, learn a new language, take a cooking class, do anything that widens YOUR world...celebrate YOU and all the wonderful possiblities in your own future.

 

He does NOT hold the key to your happiness (although right now it "seems" as if he does, he does NOT), only YOU hold that key, all the hopes, dreams, that you "attached" to your image of him, are still alive, those are YOUR hopes and dreams, and you get to take them with you, re-attach them to yourself and your own life journey. He can not live up to your image of him anymore, he just can't do it.. that's not your fault, there is nothing wrong with you, he's just not "thee guy" for you right now...

 

you'll be okay, sometimes in life we just have to be sad for awhile.. but you have the strength to go through all this, and come out of it more wise, more confident, and attract some great men into your life.. one who will cherish you as you deserve to be cherished.

 

You can tell him in a honest caring way: "I can't be "friends" right now, it's too confusing, and since you are involved with someone else it's better for me to move on, out of self respect, and if in time you should discover you want to make an intentional effort to work on us as a couple, then you may contact me, for now it's best that I let go, I wish you happiness, and I hope you can understand and respect my needing to go "no contact" and please know you may only contact me if your intention is to work on "us" as a couple."

 

Something along those lines is tough to say, but in the long run it is the most self empowering, self loving, mature, attractive and healing thing for you to do.. IF you agree with those sentiments..of course it's up to you..

 

I'm so sorry you are hurting, so many of us know how you feel, so many have gone down this road, and please trust that the best is ahead of you, not behind you..

 

try not to look in that rearview mirror too long, it only causes us to emotionally crash, instead look ahead, grab the steerwheel of YOUR life, and don't "idle in the same spot, (by being his buddy right now) it'll ruin your "battery/energy".. drive forwards, with confidence, self respect, and take your time to heal and grow past all this into the wonderful life and love waiting in your future.

 

And who know one of your future loves may even be your ex, but you have to move forward to "disocover" yourself first, and then he or any wonderful sincere loving man can then "discover" YOU.

 

best, blender

[mr_echo]

Thanks Blender,

 

I really needed to hear this today. Everytime I've seen my ex gf she has been sarcastic and spiteful. I tried the "being friends" thing - it just doesn't work. I am not going to tell her about my NC she'll figure it out herself. Onwards and upwards from now on.

 

Regards and best wishes to everyone going through tough times.

[celene]

Well how can u let go when you still harboru hopes of getting back. When you have truly let go then it doesnt matter whether they will come back or not.....I know I Haven't let go of the hope that my ex and I will come back together. I don't call him up or email him but that doesnt mean I have let go. I know when I let go it means I dont care whether he comes back or not!

[RedDelPaPa]

Yea, I think in situations like this, just go NC. They didn't ask for you to keep them updated, so just do it. If they care at all, they will eventually ask you what's going on, at which time, you can tell them politely and adult like, that you're just not ready to be friends only yet. Sorry, and you hope they can understand.

 

Try looking at this whole situation like this. They wanted out of your life by leaving you, so fine. Maybe in this situation it's best to give them what they want. Push them out of your life. You wanted out, you got out. I hope it's everything you thought it would be and then some. This outlook feels like it's helping me.

[baddasslegend92]

Nc really works, my ex broke up with me and wanted to be only friends...I said ok but then started the NC from email. myspace,phone etc.That way she realized what she lost and came back to me..Our relationship is 10 times stronger now.This don't always happen to everyone, but you have to look after yourself, and if it means for you to cut him off then do so.

[SadOldMan]

baddasslegend92: I'm pleased for you. Take it easy.

I haven't had any contact with my ex for nearly a month. She did say to me that, if she thought she'd made a mistake, she wouldn't do anything about it. Blew me away that. We'd been a couple for 12 years.

[mushmouth]

Mr. Echo

 

I read your string and I just wanted to say it was good to hear you say "onwards and upwards" after Blender's motivational writing. Blender gives wonderful advice and I constantly am able to recharge my battery when I read her writing. More importantly, her advice has become a little voice in my head when I need encouragement.

 

So, if I am correct, you posted about 3-4 months ago. Feel free to let us know how you feel now and what changes you have made in your life to love yourself more.

[bubblyblonde11]

Of course. I think keeping a little hope and letting go of it a little of it at a time is how we heal.

 

Think you might be right, although I am weird cause I don't want my ex back (fairly sure) but still have a smidge of hope that I might hear from him one day and he might care enough to wonder how I am. I just hope he has felt and gone through some of the pain I have even though he was the dumper.

 

I do think that tiny bit of hope is what moves us forward little by little

[happy79]

There are such motivational messages in this post. Especially the post by blender.

 

We're all on a forum of "Getting back together", so clearly we are all on here because we have some form of hope. What I have learnt from this forum is that you are not going to get your ex back with some kind of game plan. It is more about rebuilding yourself and regaining your identity. If you're truly meant to be with someone it will be. Fate has a way of throwing you back together.

 

SuperDave says that NC is not a tool to get your lost love back, but more a way to heal. I think we all need to do that. We're all suffering and we all understand why we all feel that way. We come on here to vent and to share experiences, and I'm sure there are posts we have read that have really helped.

 

Use this time to ensure the next relationship you get in to (whether it is with your ex or not) will be the best relationship you can make it becuase of all the learning and growing you have done. So ensure you use your NC time to do just that - grow in to an amazing person who will bag yourself a hottie (hehe!!).