lull65 Posted March 9, 2007 Share Posted March 9, 2007 Hi My partner of 18 years left me 2 weeks ago saying that he needed space. Since then he told me that he does not love me. I havent been very affectionate to him over the years, probably due to the fact that we have 3 children and forgotten about ourselves. It wasnt until he left that I realise just how much I miss him. He says that I havent loved him in years, and what he wants is love and affection. I am feeling so sad and realise that I do really love him. He thinks that I am just saying it and that he does not wish to come home. All our friends and family are really shocked by this news. He is currently staying with his parents 2 miles up the road. Problem is, I am very friendly with his parents (I am their book keeper) and they have been very good to me. The kids miss him like mad, and he really, really does love his kids. He comes around to see them regularly and would do anything for them. He has left most of his clothes and belongings here and says that he would like us to stay friends. He is really acting out of character at the moment - going out most nights when he very rarely used to go out, spending alot of money - which he really used to hate, and being very nice to people. My friends and family reckon he is having a mid life crisis (he is 37) and that he will return home eventually (this he has not completely ruled out himself). In the meantime I am feeling so alone and trying to take each day as it comes. Why me?? Helen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted March 9, 2007 Share Posted March 9, 2007 Welcome to eNotAlone. When a man decides that his marriage isn't working for him it has become almost standard to diagnose 'mid-life' crisis. And that is rarely helpful. It evades the real reason for his unhappiness which I think you are more likely to find in the earlier part of your post where you admit you neglected him. He said that he felt that you did not love him - and it is usually important to human beings to feel loved. We like to feel that we are at the top of our partner's priority list. That does not mean that we expect out partners to neglect our children because they are obviously important. But they are not exclusively important. If you have treated your husband as if he is the father of your children rather than your husband, lover and partner, then he will feel diminished and unloved - he is just a provider. If you can convince yourself first and then him that you do love him for himself rather than for what he can provide as a husband and father then you may have a chance of getting things back on track. It is more than just realising that you love him - it is understanding why you love him and then explaining it to him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lull65 Posted March 9, 2007 Author Share Posted March 9, 2007 I realise that I do deeply love him. I have since told him how I feel but I dont think that he believes me. Why did I let it get to this stage, mind you he never said anything to me. The thought of me speaking to let alone being with another bloke really upsets my ex, but it will be ok for him to go with another woman!!!! this to me sounds as though he does still care about me. Helen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lull65 Posted March 9, 2007 Author Share Posted March 9, 2007 Ex was round last night and saying that perhaps we could go on holiday with the children in the summer holidays. The reason he wants to come with us is so that he can keep an eye on me!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted March 9, 2007 Share Posted March 9, 2007 Have you thought about asking him to start 'dating' again. Just the two of you going out for a walk, or for dinner. There was something that brought you together when you first met - maybe you could try to recapture that. This is not the time for anyone to blame anyone else. It is a time for a two part process; rediscovery and discovery. If you can rediscover why you loved each other and discover what went wrong with that you may have a chance. But not if it descends into recriminations. The object is to fix what went wrong not to find a culprit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lull65 Posted March 9, 2007 Author Share Posted March 9, 2007 Suggested dating again but at the moment he doesnt want to know Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted March 9, 2007 Share Posted March 9, 2007 Ex was round last night and saying that perhaps we could go on holiday with the children in the summer holidays. The reason he wants to come with us is so that he can keep an eye on me!!!! How do you know that is the reason? Did he say that? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lull65 Posted March 9, 2007 Author Share Posted March 9, 2007 I know that is the reason because he told that to my face. He has also asked his son to keep an eye on me!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted March 9, 2007 Share Posted March 9, 2007 OK - look, you cannot just be passive in this situation and put his behaviour down to mid-life crisis and expect that when the crisis is past he will come back to you. If you want this marriage to recover then you are going to have to put the sort of effort into it that you admit you neglected to do before. Starting now. So I suggest that you start thinking of ways that you can re-engage his interest. He is obviously not fully over the marriage yet or he would not be so concerned about what you are doing. The first thing I think you should do is accept his idea about a family vacation. Then you need to tell him why you love him. And figure out how to do that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kate111 Posted March 9, 2007 Share Posted March 9, 2007 It does sound like he could be having an affair. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lull65 Posted March 10, 2007 Author Share Posted March 10, 2007 Having a bad day today, crying all over the place. So confused, he has left most of his clothes here, I have all his bankcards, apart from taking a few clothes I have everything he owns- what is going on?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HurtDude Posted March 10, 2007 Share Posted March 10, 2007 he's having an affair for crying out loud, surely we all know that? Except... I don't recall lull ever saying they were even married. I agree...the sudden distancing means something is up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted March 10, 2007 Share Posted March 10, 2007 It is possible that he is having an affair but it would be a great mistake to jump to that conclusion without evidence. Not every man who leaves his marriage is having an affair and I think it would be an error to proceed on the mere assumption that he is. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lull65 Posted March 18, 2007 Author Share Posted March 18, 2007 Hi It is now nearly 4 weeks since my partner of 18 years left me and our 3 young children. He has moved in with his parents, leaving most of his belongings here. He has told me that he is not coming back to me but will do everything to support me and his children. He wants us to be good friends there are times when we will be working together, so obviously we will need to get along. I am feeling very hurt and rejected at the moment but he is being very kind towards me. He doesnt appear to be in any hurry to remove the rest of his belongings from our home and pops in to see us on a regular basis. Is it possible to become good friends?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted March 18, 2007 Share Posted March 18, 2007 My sister's husband remained friends with his ex after the divorce. But I think that it takes time and a lot of good-will and forgiveness. It is your decision how friendly you want to be. For the sake of the children I think it better not to be enemies or speak badly of him, but that is not the same as being friends. It is possible to be cordial and polite without going so far as to call each other 'friends'. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lull65 Posted April 14, 2007 Author Share Posted April 14, 2007 I have since found out that he had been communicating with another woman via email before he left me. She had sent him photos of herself and also let him have her mobile phone number - good luck to them both. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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