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White lies


answersguy
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My girlfriend and I have had issues with lies in the past. In regards to large things and months later, the truth finally came out. I'd call her out on something that seemed too far fetched and she'd come clean. Well, last night, she told me she'd call me when she got off work and she got off at a very random time. Well, when she called, she called from her house and told me that a friend called her as she was walking out the door from work and that she'd planned on calling me before the friend called. I wouldn't have cared if she called her friend first but I don't like being lied to and found it incredibly LUCKY that the friend would happen to call at the exact second she was walking out the door. She stood by her story, I just checked her phone logs from last night and she was lying. Why would she do that when I just wanted honesty and even called her on it?

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Wow...it sounds like you are keeping track of her very closely...kinda too closely? How much does it matter at what exact moment she calls you, as long as she calls you? It seems from your description of the situation that there might be a control factor on your part. Do you have big reasons to mistrust her so much? (okay I just re-read that she lies to you...but is it about second by second tracking of her like this? Did she cheat on you in the past?)

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i know what you are thinking, "wow if she is lying about little things what else is she lying about". it is hard to have trust if someone isn't giving you a reason to trust them especially if they are lying about dumb things. i think you need to sit your girlfriend down and explain to her that her lying is affecting you and more importantly yalls relationship. if she can't see this then i think yall have bigger issues. also, i know how you can start checking on someone when they lie since you do not want to be taken advantage of or made a fool. good luck!

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You're checking her phone logs?

 

Dump her. You don't trust her, and if you don't trust her (especially over little things) there's no future for the relationship except mistrust and anger.

 

That about sums it up. Once trust is gone...there really isn't any reason to muck about. Move ahead. I can't imagine either of you are very happy with the way things are.

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Funny thing, if I try to break up with her she'll beg and grovel and harass the crap out of me until I give. I don't want to go through all of that and I care about her, I want to be with her... I just want her to be honest and I don't see why she lies. We had a situation where she almost cheated but didn't and she let an ex get way too close then she lied about the whole thing for months. I tried to break up with her then over the lying and she did the whole begging/groveling thing and I gave because I care about her. She told me she'll make an effort to be more open and honest. And I know it may seem like I keep tabs on here but the fact of the matter is, I don't care what she does as long as it's not hurting anyone. The problem is that she's easy to read when she lies but last night she wouldn't admit to it so I got proof then wondered why so adament about sticking with this one? I didn't ask her for a story, she volunteered the lie without me asking.

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If someone gives you reason to mistrust them it is very hard to regain that and when you have a gut feeling that they are lying again it is understandable that you would try to prove it. So I don't really blame you for checking up on her. But how long do you want to live like that?

 

At some point you have to decide to either give her one more chance or end it. Only you can decide when that point is reached.

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I might be hesitant to tell you anything if I was constantly badgered about everything I was doing. Snooping in her private phone is not cool either.

 

Give the girl some space.

 

Why do you use the term "constantly badgered" I didn't ask her. She volunteered the information, I don't tell her what to do and I don't ask her to account for her time. PLEASE give me the account of "constant badgering" that you refer to.

 

DN,

 

That's kinda what I'm trying to figure out. Are the white lies going to go away, and if not, why are they there in the first place.

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Yes, but is the exact moment she talked to a friend...or even if she didn't even talk to anyone and just overlooked calling you...or had to use the loo...or whatever...so important? Were you afraid she was talking to another man? Wouldn't her phone logs show that? I would go crazy trying moment by moment tabs on someone. Are you happy this way?

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No, I don't care, that's the point... It didn't matter and I didn't ask. Once she started talking though, she brought it up and continued to elaborate on the story with out my asking. The way she presented it, it was obvious she was lying... Like I said, I can read her. Calling her friend first is irrelevant, I do that all the time. Feeding me a lie when I'm not asking for information... That is a problem. Why are some of you so set on thinking that I constantly keep tabs on her? I understand you're trying to fill in the blanks to account for the behavior but that's why I'm so confused. If I did that, I would understand it but I don't do that. I'm pretty relaxed about stuff. I just don't like being lied to.

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Remember that for some people, "constantly badgered" means, you asked twice over a period of a month.

 

Is the issue just that she said she'd call when she left work, and instead of calling you from work, she called you 20 mins later from her house?

 

OR, is the issue that you wanted her to call you when she left work because you have a reason to suspect that she actually left work an hour early to cheat on you with a co-worker.

 

Without the context I don't know if you need to relax or if you need to ditch her.

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I know what you're saying. I get lied to constantly....about the small things...AND the big things. I don't understand why either, except it's went on ever since we've been together which is years!

 

If she is lying now, I doubt it will change. Who knows why some ppl feel the need to lie, even when it's nothing to lie about..like, 'did you call your mom today?'.....'no'....well the phone log says you did!

 

The are compulsive lier's out there who don't feel complete unless they tell you lies.

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Yeah, lying to me is intolerable. I can tell when someone is lying. My "liedar" goes off. I guess I do not understand why someone would lie over something so stupid. What answer are you looking for here? You obviously choose to be with her even though you know she is dishonest. She isn't a child anymore, it might be a bit too late to teach her the virtue of truth. I would give her an ultimatum. And then stick to it. (But you said you LIKE her alot) Do you expect her to change?

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Foglifter,

 

Niether of those are the issue. People are missing the fact that I don't care when she called me. I didn't ask her about it. The issue is that she lied unprompted. I couldn't care less when she called, she's entitled to her personal space and time with friends. She's entitled to her life to live as she pleases, I'm cool with that. She's not entitled to lie to me for no reason, I'm not OK with that. That's the only issue here.

 

fnlyfrei,

 

I'm not really sure what I'm looking for. I guess I'm looking for what you just gave me. I'm just frustrated and trying to figure out why she would do that and if there is something I can do to get it strait. An ultimatum may not be a bad idea but I question if I'd really stand by it. If she lied about something big I know I would. But something small again, I'm not sure. I guess I'm also wondering if this sort of lying leads to larger lies down the road.

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Foglifter,

 

Niether of those are the issue. People are missing the fact that I don't care when she called me. I didn't ask her about it. The issue is that she lied unprompted. I couldn't care less when she called, she's entitled to her personal space and time with friends. She's entitled to her life to live as she pleases, I'm cool with that. She's not entitled to lie to me for no reason, I'm not OK with that. That's the only issue here.

 

I feel there is never a reason to be lied to. Even when you've done something that you know will hurt or offend the other person.....lying is not 'OK' ever!

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So somewhere along the line she said she'd call as she left work. When she didn't call until she got home, you thought nothing of it. At some point later, when recounting the event, she volunteered that she hadn't called at the specified time for , and it was obvious to you that those reasons were a lie.

 

Maybe she places a different value on giving excuses than you do. That doesn't justify lying, but it explains why she felt she had to say something.

 

How often do you call her out when you catch her in the act. In this situation if you had said "I'm not mad that you didn't call, but it looks like you are making up excuses -- why do you feel you need to do that"

 

Some people are just chronic liars about random little insignificant things. Yes it certainly doesn't give you a lot of confidence that when a BIG thing comes along, she won't lie either.

 

Sometimes it also seems like liars just don't understand that the more suspicion they breed, the more likely it is they will be questioned later.

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Good point, it's possible it was just an excuse for not following through on an something. Not sure why she'd view it as necissary but everyone has a differant view on situations and that at least gives a potential reason for the lie. And it's not common that I catch her in lies, it just REALLY bothers me when I do.

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Sounds a lot like the last girl I dated. I caught her lying a few times; the worst one was when I caught her talking to an ex-boyfriend. I tried to break up with her but she begged and pleaded for me back. I figured the lies weren't that big of a deal, and I did care for her a lot, so I took her back after she swore up and down that she would change and be more honest.

 

I ended up walking in on her bangin another guy. Best thing that ever happened to me.

 

Take my story for what it's worth.

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