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Losing control in the relationship

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I'm feeling like I am at her beck and call and we'll do things according to her mood.


I've always been a pretty laid back guy (or, passive if you want to be nitpicky) and as such I go with the flow with whatever most of the time. I'll shamefully admit I am not born to be a leader, I'm much more comfortable being in a group (I should have been born Japanese in Japan).


How can I regain control?!


She's the independent outgoing type. If I say 'no' she'll just say 'ok' and make up alternate plans. I can't seem to win? please show me the light.

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Do you mean control of the relationship, control of her or control of yourself?


If you mean that you feel that you have no say in anything then very often that means you have no control of yourself - you don't speak your mind. Good relationships depend on negotiation and compromise. That requires both partners to speak up and say what they want. Then you can begin the negotiation part.

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I feel I have no "control" because I'm not a leader so I rarely initiate things. On the other hand she's the assertive type so she's always initiate things. I'm also the quiet somewhat shy guy, and she is the gregarious type that always has something to do. So the end result is I end up going with whatever she wants to do or been invited to.


That unbalance is starting to get to me, but, I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel since it just seems the combination of passive/aggressive in the relationship is hard to turn around from both sides.


My previous relationship was also with someone that's pretty independent and fairly strong. I can almost see in myself that I seek and I am attracted to those kind of women (Freud would have a field day since these women tend to emulate my mom in some way or form, as well as the relationship between her and my dad).


I mean who wouldn't like a strong confident assertive woman that's open minded and ready for adventure? my brother, who inherited the passiveness of my dad, happened to marry a woman that's passive as he is, and they've been together for 7 years (+ 1 married). In one of those days where I was questioning myself where this is going to, I talked to both him and his wife if they get 'bored' in their relationship. They have literally no friends and most weekends are spent watching movies or reading books. They seem to be happy in their own world tho, with the occasional adventure once or twice a year.


Is that really the type that would work best with my own personality?


My last year with my relationship has been pretty amazing in terms of life experiences, but not too great as far as the relationship side of it. Me and my girl we're not meant to be together forever, so maybe I'm wasting my breath and time. But as we all know it's difficult to accept that reality.

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I was going to say something similar myself -- who takes the lead when there are no leaders. Do you sit around in one of those endless circle banters of "what do you want to do, I don't care whatever you want to do"


At first I thought you meant you had no control in terms of never getting your way. I mean you feel like a servant, and when she says "jump" you jump. If you are just worried about who makes the plans for the weekend, thats not a big deal. If you wanted to make plans, you'd make plans.

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Well...have you suggested doing things? Or is it that she brings you ideas to do and....you follow with no input?


Give some input. Want control? Find things to do and take her places. Tell her you want to be more involved in the plans you make. Or dump her and find yourself a silent introverted no fun type.


Honestly, to me you sound a little bit like a girl. What's your problem? You're with a girl that brings you out to places, makes plans for you guys so you can both go out and have fun, makes you see life outside your house...and you complain about the fact that you follow along. Well...you don't want to follow along then don't, get some balls -pardom my french.


You don't like her? Dump her. You like her? Keep her. You want a different type of girl go get her? You want to be involved? Find places to go, get your own friends. Get more involved in your own life, or do you want to be a mop for the rest of your life?

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I think you should start practicing being more decisive and assertive.


Do you have any hobbies or friends that you really like to do?


If so, get back to those things. Don't fear that if you make plans, she will be upset. She'll probably be thankful that you made plans!

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You need to set boundaries and stick to them.


At first, she is going to fight you, and why wouldn't she -- you have taught her that she can hold out and win.


Expect at first that she will do things out of pride -- like if you say "I'm taking the car" she will say "fine, I'll walk" to try and manipulate you into backtracking yourself.


EVERY TIME you backtrack, it will take twice as much work to recover the ground.


As I say in my sig, the one who is more willing to walk is the one with all the power. She has you convinced that she is more willing to walk. Convince her otherwise.

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