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Can someone w/a bad temper change?


anitar123
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I have been with my boyfriend for 3 months. He moved in with me after about a month. We get along great, have the best time together, very attracted to each other and we have even talked about getting married and having kids in the future. I am in love with him and vice versa. His only downside is that he has a VERY bad temper. On Tuesday, he got upset at me because I hadn't folded my clothes in the closet. He says that he takes pride in being organized and clean and that he wishes I would try to be the same way. I am very clean and organized but sometimes I'm busy and get to folding and organizing when I have a chance. The fight got very heated and he went nuts. Started screaming, punched the bathroom door and telling me that I didn't respect him. The next morning, we woke up arguing and he packed up all his stuff and got in my face several times. I ran out of the house and went to my mom's house. He called me all morning that he's going to get help and he knows he has a problem. Can he change? I love the guy. But since then, he hasn't called me AT ALL. I miss him like crazy but I can't call him - he messed up!!!! I can't believe he's being so prideful.

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I've always been told that's the first sign of something of a bigger problem. If he activily get's help and see's someone about it I would give him the chance but on the whole for him to become that angry over a small issue like that is something to watch for. He is messed up and if he doesn't un mess himself I would end this. HE SHOULD NEVER GET IN YOUR FACE!!! that's a huge huge no no. Remember that.

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YIKES Anitar...to get THAT upset over someone not folding their clothes.....

WOW. I think people like this are EXTREMELY controlling....and I think with intensive counseling they can be helped......but seriously...I think you're best bet is to be glad it's over. I think you may have really dodged a bullet with this guy.....

 

Do you know how he was in previous relationships? That may give you a clue....because Past behavior is usually the best predictor of future behavior.

Remember that.....

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Anitar, you shouldn't call him, nor continue that relationship. If he is showing signs of abuse this early in the relationship, you are doomed. If he thinks he's going to change, give him time to get some help before you ever think of getting back into that relationship. And then be weary, very weary.

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First, yes, people can change. But any change in this regrd will probably require time and effort. A simple 12 week anger management course won't cure him. It could give him what he needs to cure himself, but he will need to put in effort over a couple years probably.

 

Whether you continue with him or let him try or not, that's your call. Your clothes folded or not should not be that much of threat to his life. This seems like a guy with control issues. Your clothes being in a heap should not bother him, unless it effects him in some way I don't get. If anything is out of place at all, then he feels out of control. Don't be controlled whatever you decide to do.

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Why did you make the decision to move in together so early on? And, given that you didn't see his temper in action, are you considering that your "I'm in love with him!" was based more on an image of him than on who he really is?

 

I would move out. Now. Date him if you like but only if he gets anger management therapy.

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I know everything that you guys are writing is true, but that stupid/naive side of me thinks that w/help he can change - he wants to go to counseling. And this will sound ridiculous, but the fact that I'm SUPER attracted to him does not help AT ALL. My worst fear in life is to regret something...and I feel if I don't give him this chance knowing that he is willing to try - I'll always be like "Well, what if he did change?"

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Red flags flying everywhere with this guy:

 

1.) Moves in with YOU (in your place?) after only 1 month (a hallmark move of an abuser is to push these types of things early on) and is 'telling' you what to do with your own clothes in YOUR OWN place?????

 

2.) Punches a wall?!? It could be your head next time. These things often escalate!

 

He can only change if he wants to (i.e., you can't change him if that is one of the things you were secretly hoping/wishing for). Most often statistically these types of people DO NOT change.

 

He's not a good egg in my book.

 

Please consider all of your options that you have carefully and thoroughly. Life is too short to sell yourself short.

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I met someone like that...fun, cool, seemingly happy person. Then one night he punched in his kitchen stove for not operating correctly. It scared me. I got my things and he told me that if I left, never to return. He claimed his blood sugar was low. He must have had low blood sugar alot, even on the night he hit someone so hard in a bar-fight that he broke the guy's eye socket. I also heard stories about him breaking someone's jaw when he was in high school....and he had taken anger management since he was a teenager. Needless to say...I stopped dating him. I don't think he was a bad person, I still like him basically...but I also knew that next time it might not be a stove that he would punch. Find someone else ! What happens when there is something actually worthy of anger? Scary.

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You should move out, so you don't feel trapped with this guy when he explodes.

 

Regret also works another way. "why did I waste those years with a guy that belittles and hits me?"

A violent temper is a red flag many women overlook until it gets ugly.

 

Listen to your brain.

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Anitar...

 

i could have written your exact post about 10 years ago.

 

it started with a bad temper.. punching a wall... then throwing a phone... as time went on ... i became the wall.

 

Your boyfriend does not have the skills he needs to learn to communicate what he is feeling through words...so his automatic reaction is to get angry.

 

In my opinion, if your boyfriend wants to get help GREAT. However, in the meantime, i think you need to have him move his stuff out ...and go back to his moms and learn to make those changes on his own.

 

If you know anything about the cycle of abuse ... there is the build up, the explosion, and then the "honeymoon" phase... where they are full of regret and go out of their way to make things "better" .... and then the cycle starts all over again.

 

along with the physical abuse.... abusers usually know how to manipulate as well.... and that wreaks havoc on your emotions and your self esteem.

 

do you want to go through your life not being able to express how you feel for fear that he is going to explode?

 

Is a three month relationship worth YEARS off your life trying to rebuild what he broke down?

 

Let him get his help... his problem is not your problem- at this point your #1 priority should be yourself.

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Wanting to get help is great. Doing it far away from you is better. I don't think it's selfish at all to tell him that you don't want to be in a relationship with him while he still has these anger problems, simply for your own safety and sanity. If he gets help and changes, then later down the road you might consider getting back together. For now, get rid of him.

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It took him 20 years to learn to act this way. Someone taught him it was okay with daily lessons on the subject.

 

It will take him a LONG time to change...with DAILY lessons on a new subject that entails learning an entirely new thought process and way of being as a human in the world.

 

I am seriously concerned because it doesn't seem like you are grasping the reality of your situation. Please know I seem harsh at times...but it's only because I wish someone had told ME YEARS AGO!!! But they didn't.

 

a) You have only been with this guy for 3 months. What exactly makes you think in any way you can even KNOW this guy NONETHELESS LOVE him in that amount of time? Therpists and psychologists suggest 12 - 18 months of getting to know someone before considering a committment. This is from intensive research and investigation of human behavior. This is not someone pulled off the top of their head for convenience.

 

b) I believe you are dilusioned by sex if you think this is in any way healthy, good, or that this guy is a keeper. Trust me, sex clouds logical thinking!!!

 

c) What is it you truly think of youself if you would even consider going back with this guy after he treats you this way? Do you deserve respect 100% of the time? If your answer is "no"...why not?

 

 

d) All the patterns you have described are extremely unhealthy. These include: The amount of time you waited before the move in; The excuses you are making now to go back after seriously crazy and irrational behavior; The "what if he could have changed" mentality. (He won't any time soon. It's guaranteed).

 

I think you need some therapy. This is NOT an insult or put down. We all need something at different stages of our lives.

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I know everything that you guys are writing is true, but that stupid/naive side of me thinks that w/help he can change - he wants to go to counseling. And this will sound ridiculous, but the fact that I'm SUPER attracted to him does not help AT ALL. My worst fear in life is to regret something...and I feel if I don't give him this chance knowing that he is willing to try - I'll always be like "Well, what if he did change?"

 

I think that if you still want to try, one of the best ideas I read that was suggested was to move out and only date him, to see how things go. Dating is an investigation, and if you want to investigate to see if he can change, then make sure you are not in a position that would allow you to become stuck or abused. His behavior bordered on that at least. Don't put you at risk.

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Don't count on the fact he will change.

You've done the right thing by moving out and I suggest not to change your mind.

I would brake up with him.

The fact you lived with him was a blessing in disguise - you managed to see early his habits and way of reacting.

 

When someone makes such a huge deal over the fact how you fold things - thats crazy.

It is just the matter of time before he hits you.

Do not come back.

 

3 months relationship is just a trial period!

You have evry right to dump the guy whit no regrets why you didn't tay by his side.

 

HE IS ABUSIVE

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sounds just like my situation at the beginning.. he moved into my place after 3 months because he was over all the time anyway... i soon noticed his temper towards his parents was totally unacceptable - he would yell at his elderly parents to help him with things..like a kid having a tantrem.. When we had arguments he would say such hurtful things that could not be undone.. like he was going back to his ex cause she was waiting for him..that i was bad in bed etc (VERY bad for the ego!!).. and then one day he just picked me up and threw me accross the room in the middle of a fight. But of course it was my fault because i was yelling at him.. In the end our fights were so bad - i turned into a feral as well - when i tried to get away by getting out of the house for some 'time out' he would stand infront of the door and not let me leave. I would cry and try to run out the back door but he'd deadlocked it and had the key. I was a prisoner..in MY HOUSE. I know this sounds extreme and it is. Let me tell you that i had never ever had an experience like this in my life. We were both educated professional people. In the end i got the police to come over and stand there while he got his belongings and left. He immediately got together with a new girl and sent me pictures of them together within 3 days of me kicking him out.. And now he texts me every weeek telling me how much he misses me even though i have not replied to him for over 3 month. One year of my life was wasted on this guy even though i really did know he was a looser at 3 months. Don't waste your precious time. It will get harder to end it the longer it goes on..

promise..

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He has to want to change in order for him to not display his tantrums any more.

 

Sounds like he has deeper rooted problems. Think twice before going back to him and then think it over again. SOunds like he is on the verge of being abusive, physically, and verbally.

 

Do not let you feelings cloud your judgement here. Ask yourself if you deserve to be treated the way he reacts when things aren't going his way.

 

I assure you the longer you two are involved the more of this behavoir will be displayed by him.

 

be well.

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I don't mean to be pessimistic but this type of person hardly ever changes. He might go for therapy but sadly it doesn't change anything in the long run. My advice is for you to end the relationship now. If you let him get close to you, he will manipulate and exert emotional control over you to the extent that you will be under his 'spell' and looking for approval from him for basically anything you do. Your self confidence will be completely eroded. Trust me, I have seen many women under the psychological control of such pathological abusers.

Please get yourself out of this situation while you still have time and avoid any contact with him. If you have to get the assistance of the police then by all means do so. Your life depends on it. So many women have wasted their lives trying to change a man that was obviously not good for them right from the start. Of course this is all my opinion.

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