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Affection/Sex Only When He Wants

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Ok, this whole thing is very new to me. I have never really had to ask for advice before, but I really don’t know what options I have left. I hope you all can really help me and my boyfriend. First I’ll start with a little background. We are both in our mid twenty’s and gay. We’ve been together for 9 months now and have problems having sex. When we first started going out we both agreed that we were taking the relationship slow. We were always making out, holding hands when we were out at the bars, and touchy feely. After the first month he started not liking being touched, then stopped the making out, then said that we shouldn’t hold hands in public because it looks like we’re insecure to other guys. After about 2 weeks of dating we had sex for the first time and it was really good. After that it was about a every week and a half to two week thing and continues like that to this day. Gradually we built up to once a week; give or take a couple days. We had a talk about 3 months into our relationship and he basically said that he didn’t like when I initiated sex, and that if he wants it he will let me know. Since that day we don’t make out unless we’re having sex, only give little pecks. I decided that I wouldn’t touch him or initiate anything and haven’t since. It also seems that we only have sex when we’ve been drinking or right after arguing. Over the past 9 months I know that I do love him and I know that he does love me, and that is the only reason that I am staying with him, is because I do love him. But the problem with sex has to change. I feel like I should be able to touch him, give tongue when kissing, or initiate sex when I feel like I want it.


Here’s what I know about him. Before he met me he lived with an older guy for free that allowed him to live there for two years as long as he would do sexual things with him when the guy wanted. Of course he did that when him and his boyfriend lived there for a year without his ex knowing about it. That is when his sexual problems started. They eventually broke up over it and he continued to live there for over a year and a half with the same arrangement. When we talk about this issue he said that a lot of it has to do because he was not in control of sex; that he would have to do it when he was asked so he doesn’t like being touched or having sex initiated by me because of his “roommate”. He also mentioned a couple times that he is afraid that if I initiate sex and he doesn’t want to do it and tells me that, that I will get mad and he doesn’t want to deal with that. Apparently his old “roommate” would give him attitude and yell at him if he told him he wasn’t feeling like it. I do respect this and because I do love him am willing to work on the problem, but I don’t know where to start. I suggested that he see someone to talk about it, but that is something that he is refusing to do. He has said that when we do have sex that he enjoys it and I believe him cause of how he is when we have sex. He also has told me that he does masturbate when he gets horney.


I look at it in two ways. Either in the future he will be better and we will have the honeymoon period that we never had, or I will get to the point that I cannot tolerate the issue and break up with him over it. What I am looking for are ideas to help him through this. What can I do to improve our sex life? What can I do to help him understand that I am not taking advantage of him? Do you think that there is any hope for improvements or is this a relationship a lost cause? Please help me!!


Thanks in advance.

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sounds like he is a little controlling......dont start acting like him and not touching him just because he wont touch u....itll become a loveless relationship try to talk to him about how u r feeling...if he gets mad then let him brush it off so he will realize what he has....if its meant to be then its ment to be......i just broke up with my b/f and i had the same problem the only difference is im a girl....

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I think the past sex-for-free rent relationship with his roommate is really causing a problem for him here. It probably seemed like an okay idea at the time but he is probably deeply traumatized by that. Not having control over sex can be devastating on the psyche. I would think of it this way because I think for some reason or another changing the genders around makes it easier to see why it would hurt so much because we tend to stereotype men as always being strong and in control: what if a young woman were offered free rent for having sex whenever a guy wanted it and when she didn't want it he would get upset and basically guilt her into doing it because of their arrangement. We would probably say she has been abused and needs help to get through the feelings of shame, loss of control etc. I think your guy might be feeling the same way. He probably needs to talk to someone about it. I don't think you can help him with this if he isn't willing to help himself. He sounds like he's hurting and needs help.

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I feel for you, jdalpino,


I'm in a similar situation, and it's taken me a year to think this through.

If you're an affectionate person, and long to allow yourself to be, I don't think it's healthy for you to have to supress it. You shouldn't have to surpress anything about yourself - this is who you are! It's unfortunate that he is not affectionate, and it doesn't make him wrong, but from your testimony it seems that it doesn't feel right to you, either.


The "roomate" explanation may be true, but it sounds a little manipulative, if you ask me. He's got the upper hand in this situation, does he not?


I think you've got to approach him, directly and truthfully, about how this affects you. Let him know that, despite his reasons, this is hurting you. If he is unwilling to compromise, as you have already been doing, then I think you should seriously consider moving on. How successful can this kind of relationship be in the future? There may be nobody at fault here, but that doesn't change the fact that your needs are incompatible with his.

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