Should i cut off all ties totally? or work at it?

[infaith]

hi..

 

have posted a couple of times here about my breakup...

basically, my ex went overseas to study...

a few months later he came back for the holidays and wanted to breakup based on cliche reasons..."relationship is stagnant", "i'm not worth your time", etc

there was no closure for me as the reasons seem to be groundless...

we are each other's first love and were together for 5 years (we're both 24 years)...

 

after he went back, i discovered he actually liked another girl in his hostel from my friend...and realised that was the REAL reason...he wanted to pursue her...

i was hurt and angry...he was not honest, instead, all his many reasons he told me were a bunch of lies...

and all these i have to discover from a third party source...

 

they are not attached and he mentioned development is hard cuz they get on each others nerves for all the wrong reasons...

i am hurt cuz he has never asked about me...

instead most conversations he had with my friend is all about that girl...e.g. are how moody he gets when they are in the same hostel yet seem so far apart, what she cooked for dinner, etc...

 

- although they were not attached before he broke up with me, but broke up cuz he wanted to pursue that girl, was he unfaithful?

 

- as their relationship is not so smooth, should i wait for him? will his new 'relationship' lasts"? should i trust him again?

 

- so far, have no contact with him since he returned...

should i continue to cut all ties for me to heal and for how long?...will it dampen my chance of a reconcilation if we have no contact at all?...

 

guess i hurt so much cuz i put in so much in the relationship...

would appreciate if u have any insight and advise on this...thans so much

[charmed]

Hi Infaith,

 

Thanks for sharing sharing again with us. I guess you are at the crossroads right now, and you need to pick a turn. I would say that he has made his choice for the moment. As for you, keep cutting ties indeed and get on with your life. The longer you act like this is the biggest thing in your life, the longer it actually will be. It's that simple ! You will make the choice eventually to get over him, and when is totally up to you.

 

Hanging around for him will only make you miserable - and you have no grounds to believe you should really expect you guys to get back together.

 

I don't believe that he was faithfull. He might not have told you the truth, but it was better than being unfaithfull while you are still together. He probably did the right thing - by not telling you his real reason perhaps he had a reason for not telling you? Perhaps he simply didn't want to deal with your reaction there which is undesatandable.

 

Hope this helps you some,

 

~Charmed~

[kuja_13]

If he left you for someone he didn't know to well, you shouldn't be with him anymore. You can find someone that won't leave you for a reason like that...

[holeinmysoul33]

Your situation is suprisingly like mine was back in January. My ex left me for another girl, and I always have wondered if he was unfaithful to me because he wanted a relationship with this girl even before we broke up. I also had to pry the real reason why he wanted to break up with me out of him. I assume that your ex said the cliched reasons because he didn't want to hurt you. Once you found out the real reasons he broke up with you, it hurt alot more, didn't it? Imagine if he had told you everything at once, it may have shattered your world.

 

I honestly don't think he was unfaithful, but even if you decide he was, why does it matter? It may give you more of a reason to be angry with him, but sounds like you have plenty of reasons to be angry with him anyway. Point is, you should continue to have no connections with him. And I would stop asking you friend about him and if he's been talking about you. Every time your friend says something you dont want to hear, it hurts even more. It's time for you to stop hurting so much, and start healing. Don't sit around waiting for him anymore. Go out and have fun with friends. Occupy your mind with things other than him. Do all the things you've always wanted to do but never had the time to when you were with him. There are some great articles on this site about how to get over a breakup that helped me alot when I went through it all.

 

So just keep your chin up, and don't give in to that desire to go back to him or wait around for him. If you were to get back together, wouldn't you be wondering if he was going to leave you for another girl again?

 

 

[infaith]

thank you so much for your valuable thoughts and advise...

yes, have to move on...have been taking up dance classes, inline skating and spending time with friends...

 

then i found out about the girl and it seems, i moved back a few steps and have to start moving on all over again...sigh...

hard to belief that he can discard 5 years of memories for some girl just like that (we were going strong)...

 

one more question, though...

i have decided to cut all ties with my ex for at least a year...

thing is, he's coming back for 3-4 months at the end of the year...

we attend the same church..

our church is small and we usually hang out with the same people on sundays...

been thinking of serving in another church during the time he is here...

should i do that?

 

i teach children in church on sundays..

is it fair to the kids that i take a break just because of personal problems?

just torn between my responsibilities to others and trying to serve my own emotional needs...it makes u so tired sometimes