Wife wants a divorce. Not in love anymore. =(

[insecure246]

my wife and i have been married for almost 3 years, and have been together for almost 4. we split up last january. began an ugly divorce and custody battle. we were both seeing other people. we got back together in november. we moved back in together. we went to marriage counseling. things were going well, i thought. i have an addiction to the computer. she says i ignore her, whish i guess is true. i told her i can change but now she says she just wants a divorce. she says she loves me but shes not in love with me. i wonder now if im truly in love with her. am i just afraid of being alone? i feel really confused and lost and alone and crushed. i feel like shes carving my heart out of my chest.

 

 

Also. The other night we were playing around and she was throwing some of my clothes outside our apt. and we were both laughing and i tried to push her inside but i pushed her too hard and she fell and hit her head on the floor. i couldnt believe that i had done such a thing. i grew up watching my mom get beat and promised id never lay my hands on a woman. i dont know how to fix this. i dont know if i can live with myself after this. ive never felt so low in my life. ive never felt so ashamed of myself. it was an accident but thats no excuse. and what if it wasnt and im just trying to make excuses to myself so i dont have to accept that i did it on purpose. after i did it she left and i tried to kill myself, but the knife i tried to use was too dull. so i sharpened it, but by then i didnt feel like it, so i just cut myself on my chest alot. then i went to her and talked to her.

 

i just want things to be like they were before. she says that we dont put butterflies in each others stomachs or want to spend every minute with heach other like we once did. i told her that that changes in every relationship and you have to work on it to keep things fresh, but she seems like she has made her mind up. she says she doesnt want to stay with me just for our son. i dont know what to do.

 

why are these things so hard?

 

and how do you know when to trust your feelings? they lie! i'm so confused.

[Jetta]

i feel like shes carving my heart out of my chest.

 

Yes you do still love her. What your wife doesn't realize is all relationships take work, and if you love each other it's worth the effort. Continue with marriage counseling. Focus on your marriage and not other people. Give her the attention she needs. It may feel like a lot to you but I read on marriage builders that when a marriage is in trouble he suggests 30 hours a week. To maintain is 15 hours a week (that is just couple time). So give her and not your computer the time. My ex was on the computer all the time and still is, our poor daughter is in his custody starved for attention like I was.

[flower99]

First of all..I am so happy your knife was dull. (that was a God thing) you obviously were not meant to die. Take that seriously There is a reason you are still here. (:

Please don't hurt yourself. I know you're hurting on the inside but please work to fix that, don't direct to the outside.

Second. What happened when she hit her head, was an accident. You KNOW you did NOT mean to hurt her. You were playful together & accidents happen. I've hurt my finacee while playing too...I felt so terrible. I really did. But stuff happeneds. You didn't intend to do it & you didn't know she was hit her head. This was out of your control. you couldn't have seen it comeing. Forgive yourself.

Thridly. Set aside time for her daily. If she is feeling neglected, work to change that, start today. Don't say you can change, Show her you can change. She may not 'feel' in love with you right now. But the thing is you were in love before & could be again..If you both put in the work & effort to fall in love with eachother again. Do little things to show it, cuddles, card, hugs, make her a meal....i know right now she seems to have made her mind, but its still worth a try..take her out for supper & have fun with eachother.

And Continue the couselling if she's willing.

I'm sorry things are hard right now. ((hugs))

[bacci]

I'm sorry for your pain. What you describe about the knife episode is worrying me, you might need some professional help to deal with this, if you start having recurring thoughts about hurting yourself do seek help immediately.

Please do take care of yourself and love yourself first, you can't give what you don't have. Hope you feel better soon...

[Spugly Fuglet]

here's my take on this

 

If you won't to be happy, get rid of the computer, that's rigt get it out the house, then take all the wasted life you put into a lump of tin and put it into your family wife and child,

show her what is the center of your world and keep her there,

yes the 1st flush of love has gone but its normaly replaced with a deeper stranger love of two humans sharing there lives.

[Miriverwoman]

You have a son, and he has feelings, too. He needs a father to spend time with him outdoors and reading to him, with him, many other things. You need to give your X space & let her go. It will be difficult, but if her mind is made up, let her go. If you love someone, set them free.... She may never return, but if she does & admits she really has seen the light & wants you forever, then you have her......love her forever.. IF NOT, ... There will be a love for you someday, and your life will go on, even if you don't think so now. If you drink, seek out an AA group. This online forum is great, also. I had a boyfriend that cut himself & threatened suicide & ihis ways did not make me love him more. In fact, I drew away ... forever. I saw him recently, after not seeing him for 25 years or so & he had changed considerably. He was with a beautiful wife (his size) & had a nice young daughter who seemed very happy. He did not recognize me or even look my way, which was fine with me. I realized years ago I did not love him & even though he said I could fall in love with him eventually & he would give me any home I desired.. I did not love him. Your X needs to go & you need to find a new life. Normally, I would say to stay for your son, but in this case, there will always be issues. I was hurt physically many times by others & even lately, but when younger & hurt.. she .. your X will not forget & forgive so easily. Your son needs to have a nice home life. My son ... wants to kill himself & is starting to play with sharp objects. I am not as young as you to get out. I am very very involved with my relationship & too much time has passed. But, he learns from his father things I do not approve. I don't believe in divorce & it is difficult. You are very young. A plus. So much more out there than you realize. You will need to educate yourself & get a college degree or find a job that will pay for your schooling. You will meet new people, especially if you open your mind to it. You will then be able to provide for your son & take him to faraway places with you, or even nearby special places & be able to afford to pay for it. Also, you will need to pay support, unless you get custody. That is usually another reason for staying .. it is cheaper to keep her... is the rule.... Before you know it.. 25 years will have passed & you will look back & hopefully be in a better state of mind & better surroundings. Hope my advice helps.

[Openheart1]

Unfortunately, it seems her conception of love is seriously distorted and totally unrealistic. Not wanting to spend every second together is actually healthy for any relationship. I almost have a sense that her reasons for wanting a divorce are less than genuine and she is masking the real reason(s). Also, people don't get divorced becuase the other party is boring. I just think that her conceptions of marriage and relationships are born from fiction, not a thorough and healthy understanding of what it takes to be in a committed relationship. I am almost willing to bet that most people who get married and later want a divorce are those people who go into a marriage thinking the wrong things and have almost a dilusional approach to the realities of love. I hope everything works out.

[Openheart1]

Also, I think that there is no benefit in trying to convince her of not wanting a divorce, as right now she is likely in an emotionally charged state and intent on justifying her thoughts and behaviors, which means that ANYTHING you do will be put into a negative light. I know it will be hard, but you must just give her space, separate yourself from her life, and disappear, thus limiting any potential emotional ammunition against you to justify her immediate, selfish needs.

[heartbroken32377]

I feel awful for you and you definitely love your wife. If you did not seriously love her you would not hurt like you do. I am in a similar situation right now and I hurt so bad I don't know what to do. My friends - the few that I can actually tell my situation too - tell me not to worry, who cares everyone gets divorced. My problem is that somehow, someway I know that my wife is my soul mate. When I met her she lived 3,000 miles away and we found each other. Don't kill yourself man, that is never the answer because than you have to think of the heart ache you cause others. Believe me the thought has crossed my mind many times in the last few days. Try smoking some weed, that has helped me a bit. Good luck.

[ihavechanged]

Get rid of the computer, spend your time interacting with people!