Pros and cons of an older woman

[Karhu]

I know the real factor is if the two people click. In the end two people the same age might or might not work out together, and people of different ages might or might not work out together.

 

What are the long term factors that should be considered, beyond the initial click, honeymoon period etc.

 

i'm trying to make a list of all the positive and negative factors from the age difference that apply on top of the usual relationship factors.

 

Pro:

-She can hold a decent intellectual conversation

-More experience (in bed and else ware)

-Some older woman are hot!

-Straightforward, none of the stupid dating games eg, “let’s play hard to get”

-They know what they want

-More independent, in control of her life

-Woman reach their sexual peak later in life, here’s your smoldering temptress

 

Cons

-Possibly at a different stage in life now. Or maybe at the same stage now, but later will be at a different stage

-The biological clock is ticking, the question of marriage and/or children might come up sooner than expected

-When I get to 50, she’ll be …. Eeek! no more fun with an old granny

-I’ll be the last one standing, meaning I’ll possibly be alone in my retirement years

-She's already have formed a lot of their views on life, and may be more stubborn/reluctant to look at new ways of doing things

-people often need more sleep as they age, causing a discrepancy in the sleep requirements

 

What other factors are there? How serious are they?

 

 

How does the relationship change over time? are there different stages in a age gap relationship?

 

Eg when a guy in 20’s dating a woman in 30’s there will be some issues,

Then a guy in 30’s dating woman in 40’s will be different, and a guy in 50’s dating a woman in 60’s will face different relationship issues.

I guess in the 30’s the biological clock is a bigger issue, and in the 60’s the larger issues would be related to the aging process hitting one partner before the other.

[kate111]

I noticed a difference in maturity which was a contributing factor in us breaking up. Our age difference was only a year and a bit but it really did matter in the end. I think it wasn't only that he was younger in years, I had also experienced so much more in life whereas he was only just discovering who he was etc.

[mgirl]

Pro:

she's hot

 

Con:

she's probably married

she's probably unwilling to take a risk

she's probably oblivious to how devestantingly sexy she is

[missklew]

You seem to be talking about a 10 year difference. The older you get, the less that will matter.

 

Women tend to live longer than men.

 

You really don't know who would die first. Your viewpoint of a 60 year old woman as non sexual is from your view point being a young man. When you are 50, that viewpoint will be different.

 

She will most likely be well established in her career. She knows how to cook.

[Jeffrey2095]

Well, the age gap is more substantial in your younger years and would diminish as you get older etc. ie: 20-30 that's 50% of the 20 year olds age.

 

Although, looking at your list it occurs to me that most of them are generalizations.

 

I'm thinking of a lady I used to date who was in her early 50s while I was just 40.

 

She could be childish, selfish, unstable etc. you bet.

 

Remember also that there is probably plenty of time to simply date without drawing so far ahead in the future...

 

I say, forget the numbers and go with the person...

 

Just my opinion.

 

Good luck and best wishes.

 

Jeff

[Karhu]

Yes, these are very much generalizations.

 

I was actually interested in what are the most common factors that affect most people in age gap relationships. And how they affect people in general. If there are any aspects that one should be warey of in the future etc.

 

 

 

 

 

I was planning on keeping this thread general, but Missklew and Jeffrey seem interested in my personal specifics, so here they are:

we have a 9 year difference. I know everyone in this forum say that 9 years is negligible, hence I’m not considering breaking up with her on the basis of that factor. I’m just interested in getting the heads up on factors/issues that might come up if I get into a serious relationship with her.

 

I know I’m also more mature for my age, she guessed i was much older because I’ve done so much in my life. I also have a very mature outlook on life, high level of morality and integrity, past the whole casual fling stuff a lot of people my age are into.

On the other side she’s 34. i only found out her age last weekend after a month of dating, I had previously found it hard to guess her age as she’s full of energy, zipping around from one thing to another, good fit body (with a nice * * * ), doing silly things like dancing and spinning around in her socks in my living room. She also gets paid as a OT to bring out creativity in children, so she spends her afternoons playing aero planes with 5yo children, maybe that helps keep her silly youthful streak.

I also couldn’t pick her age, as she was hot and youthful, i guessed she was much younger then she really is

[Portage]

Geesh, that age difference is absolutely minor and would not make a difference down the road. Now if it was 20 years...i'd say yes.

 

Enjoy it for what it is. Older women definitely have it going on.

 

Good Luck & Enjoy

[kate111]

If she doesn't have kids and wants them this could become a problem fairly soon if you are not ready for them.

[Locke2121]

I know there is an older woman in my life I'd take in a heartbeat and her me....if she wasn't married that is!

[Karhu]

If she doesn't have kids and wants them this could become a problem fairly soon if you are not ready for them.

 

She has a cat that she adores (cat lovers are also often more affectionate people). People often say that pets are substitutes for children.

 

But then we’ve only been serious for a month or so, so it’s WAY too early to be talking about any of these topics (she’s also very socially aware of when it’s good to bring up topics) so I wonder if she’ll start making hints in that direction after a year or two.

 

I can see she would be an excellent mother at one stage, vary caring, considerate, and always aware of how her actions and body language would affect others, and influences on children’s upbringings etc.

 

All I know is that it’s not right to bring children into this world till there is a healthy functioning family unit where the child can get support and a good upbringing. Children are very observant of the world around them, and deeds speak louder than words, they learn by watching, so it’s best if people are the perfect example.

 

It takes at least few years to truly see if a relationship is going to work out in the long run through thick and thin, so on a relationship basis I think there is a certain amount of time needed before any big commitment. Also on a personal basis it takes time to get your life to a certain stage. So I can’t imagine bringing a life into this world for several years.

 

I have no idea what her perception is about children is, as after a month it’s way too early to talk about these topics, but I’m aware that for a woman that age it might be on the agenda, and am aware that her time frame might be totally different from my ideas. I wish I knew how she will react in the future, Now where’s my crystal ball?

 

 

I know there is an older woman in my life I'd take in a heartbeat and her me....if she wasn't married that is!

 

Luckily this one is single. But I know exactly what you mean, not just older woman, often all the good woman seem to already be snatched up.

 

 

 

 

Anyway, back to the original list, on a generic basis, what are the advantages and disadvantages of a general age gap relation?

 

so far we have:

Advantages:

-She can hold a decent intellectual conversation

-More experience (in bed and else ware)

-Some older woman are hot!

-Straightforward, none of the stupid dating games eg, “let’s play hard to get”

-They know what they want

-More independent, in control of her life

-Woman reach their sexual peak later in life, here’s your smoldering temptress

 

Disadvantages:

-she's probably married

-she's probably unwilling to take a risk

-she's probably oblivious to how devastatingly sexy she is (then you can tell her)

-Different maturity level (not necessarily directly related to age)

-Possibly at a different stage in life now. Or maybe at the same stage now, but later will be at a different stage

-The biological clock is ticking, the question of marriage and/or children might come up sooner than expected (but who knows how soon is soon)

-When I get to 50, she’ll be …. Eeek! no more fun with an old granny (but then your perspective might change when you get to 50)

-I’ll be the last one standing, meaning I’ll possibly be alone in my retirement years (however woman live longer, especially a woman that takes care of her body might still outlive the man)

-She's already have formed a lot of their views on life, and may be more stubborn/reluctant to look at new ways of doing things

-people often need more sleep as they age, causing a discrepancy in the sleep requirements

[langford]

I've met young women who are old and old women who are young.

We do not grow chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We are mature in one realm, childish in another.

 

I know people who are 17-22 who are more mature,more together,more experienced, and much more intelligent than myself.

 

Age is something that measures time and nothing more.

[Batya33]

I've met young women who are old and old women who are young.

We do not grow chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We are mature in one realm, childish in another.

 

 

I agree with this. By choice (because of my values, etc), I have far less sexual experience than many 20 somethings I know (I am 40) but I don't buy that experience makes you a better sex partner if you are having sex in a loving committed relationship. Sometimes it can hamper it because the person presumes they are good and don't have to try.

 

The biggest issue with male-female age gaps where the woman is older is the biological clock. If she is over 35, she likely will want to start having kids within the next few years so you need to be sensitive to that (that is, if she wants kids).

[Karhu]

The biggest issue with male-female age gaps where the woman is older is the biological clock. If she is over 35, she likely will want to start having kids within the next few years so you need to be sensitive to that (that is, if she wants kids).

 

How can I subtly find out if this is on her secret agenda? maybe she doesn't want kids at all, maybe she doesn't mind waiting, but how can a guy know?

 

I don’t want to bring it up directly in a conversation, it'd be inappropriate after only a month of dating. If anything that would make it look like I was thinking along those lines.

 

But I want to be aware of what she’s thinking, and if she has some hidden expectations, and if she’ll suddenly start putting on some pressure in a year or two, and what her expected time frame would be.

I don’t like surprises, so I like to know exactly what I’m getting into when starting to date a woman, but that’s just a topic you don’t talk about at this stage.

[Batya33]

You can discuss it generally. Talk about your cousins or nieces or nephews, ask her about hers, see how she talks about the kids subject, ask her if she would want to be a stay at home mom (keep it hypothetical).If that issue is on her radar, she will have something to say.

[Tiina]

i guess this is a common issue with age gap relations, especially if the older woman starts to feel her biological clock

[dawn515]

Hm, my boyfriend is ten years younger than I. I hope that when I am 60 and he is 50, he doesn't think of me as an "old granny." Hmmph.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i think you have LOTS of stereotypes in your lists. She will sleep more when older, ummm no, most older people get insomnia until right before they die. Cat people are more affectionate, ummm, most people think the opposite, they are more aloof like their cats...

 

So the point is that everyone is an individual. People age differently based on genetics and lifestyle too. i've seen some 45 year olds who look 60, and some 60 year olds who look 45. And some 30 year olds who are less active then 85 year olds.

 

You could also find a 25 year old woman, who decides she wants 8 children when you want 2. Or no children at all after you've been married 10 years...

 

A famous actress who is married to someone 30-35 years younger than her was asked about the age difference, something to the effect, 'aren't you worried about death separating you?', and she replied, 'No, if he dies, he dies...'

 

So i would stop thinking in generalities, since nothing in life is guaranteed and every relationship is different. But i think that if you are already so concerned about this and have just started dating, then maybe you should do her a favor and talk about it, or set her free to be with someone who appreciates her as a *person*, not someone who is categorizing her as an 'older woman...'

[JanetJ]

Hey there aussie,

 

As an older girl in a relationship with a younger guy I can say that generally the gap does not getin the way until you start talking... 1)marriage and 2) kids. These might not be issues for you guys because firstly neither of you might want marrige or children and secondly, maybe you's do but you're timing is together. I think these will be your only age related issues - you're 26 so its not like you haven't had a chance to live life. I think you should go for it, have fun and then bring up these issues (Marrige & kids) in the future if you think they may be a problem.

 

Good luck!

[Karhu]

Thanks janet

yes, i can imagine they are the only two real questions. as personality wise and maturity wise we seem to match fairly well.

 

and we can deal with those questions when they come. i know i'd probably ultimatly be ok with going down that path at some stage in life if/when i'm in a suitable steady healthy relationship with the right person, the relationship has stood the test of time, life, finances, personal maturity and all other factors are suitable. i know these are very big things and should be done properly. if you're going to do it you should do it properly.

 

i guess timing is a large issue in these decisions, both people may not be at the same stage at the same time.

[JanetJ]

Unfortunately, I am in that situation at this very stage. I've been with my guy for nearly 2 years and to me, the marriage question is now on my mind. Will it happen and when??? but, i do think she will probably raise the issue with you anyway if kids/marriage are important to her.