Thought distortions...

[mintblossom]

These are thought distortions that I have had when it comes to dating/relationships. I need someone to help me challenge them because I don't know why I have these distortions, I know they are distortions, but yet it is hard for me to change my thinking.

 

I have distortions like:

1. He has had a gf before so he must be able capable of having a relationship.

2. He has had a gf so he actually has relationships instead of just sleeping around.

3. His exgf was so pretty that he must have been good to her. He must have treated her well because she was so pretty.

4. He must only want to sleep with me and not have a relationship because I'm not pretty enough not because he's incapable or doesn't want one.

5. His ex was so pretty that he couldn't have been emotionally shallow.

6. The pictures they took together look so happy and both are smiling so there can't have been any trouble in the relationship.

7. His relationships with all his exes, friends etc. are/were perfect and only his relationship with me is bananas.

8. He is treating me badly because there's something about me that's wrong or not good enough.

9. He wouldn't cheat or treat me badly if I were super pretty.

10. He must have cared about his ex because she seemed pretty cool and was very attractive.

11. He couldn't have abused her/hurt her/ignored her/been cruel or cold to her.

12. He has a pet cat so he must be okay or a decent guy.

13. He can't be bad because he's so handsome/fun/charming/cute.

 

I don't know how to challenge these thoughts.....so if people tell me about their experiences that might help. Sometimes I wish I could have a conversation with the ex just to compare notes and see what it was like. I think having these thoughts gets me in trouble in picking bad guys.

[Suesser Tod]

1. He has had a gf before so he must be able capable of having a relationship.

 

True, but there are abusive relationships, destructive relationships, etc. Being able to have a relationship does not mean that he was able to have a successful and healthy relationship.

 

2. He has had a gf so he actually has relationships instead of just sleeping around.

 

Yes, but someone can sleep around and have relationships. They are not exclusive. For example a cheater, they can be in a relationship and sleeping around.

 

3. His exgf was so pretty that he must have been good to her. He must have treated her well because she was so pretty.

 

That is you trying to put yourself down. She treated her well because back then, when she was not his ex, he cared for her.

 

4. He must only want to sleep with me and not have a relationship because I'm not pretty enough not because he's incapable or doesn't want one.

 

Self steem issue, on your side. You can't blame it on other person.

 

5. His ex was so pretty that he couldn't have been emotionally shallow.

 

Eh? I would think otherwise. If he only tries to date the prettiest people around, he may be emotionally shallow, as his starting point is being the appearance.

 

6. The pictures they took together look so happy and both are smiling so there can't have been any trouble in the relationship.

 

A picture represents a moment. So no, during THAT time they weren't having trouble. That doesn't mean that 5 minutes later she tried to kill him, see?

 

7. His relationships with all his exes, friends etc. are/were perfect and only his relationship with me is bananas.

 

If they were perfect, he wouldn't be with you, as he would not have a single ex to begin with, he would be with that girl.

 

EVERY single relationship has problems, that is a fact. Your self steem is low and you are trying to blame everything on you because of that.

 

Stop playing the victim, it doesn't work and wont get you anywhere at all.

 

8. He is treating me badly because there's something about me that's wrong or not good enough.

 

No, he is treating you badly because... Who cares?

 

If it is not working, get out of there.

 

Also you may have got an abusive boyfriend. Stop playing victim...

 

9. He wouldn't cheat or treat me badly if I were super pretty.

 

If you are dating a serial cheater, he would.

 

Again, your self steem combined with victim.

 

And read again number 8.

 

10. He must have cared about his ex because she seemed pretty cool and was very attractive.

 

Well, at some point he dind't cared for her, and she is now his ex, right?

 

11. He couldn't have abused her/hurt her/ignored her/been cruel or cold to her.

 

Why not? She is not with her anymore, so it wasn't all pretty.

 

12. He has a pet cat so he must be okay or a decent guy.

 

No relationship at all. And a cat is one of the least attention requiring pets.

 

13. He can't be bad because he's so handsome/fun/charming/cute.

 

A serial rapist and killer can be fun, charming and cute. Heck, a pedofile serial killer can be a clown on kids bday parties. So, no, that is not true.

 

 

These "distortions" are not your main issue. Your main issue is a deeper issue that has a lot to do with your self steem and the way you've been living your life. I can see that you like to play the victim role, and that you are prone to get into abusive relationships.

 

So, instead of focusing in the tip of the iceberg, try looking under the water.

[mintblossom]

It's not a good assumption to assume that I don't do any work on my self-esteem and other issues. That offends me. Changing things is not as quick as pushing a button. Even though I wish it were.

 

My thought distortions have played a BIG part in me being in denial and lying to myself. Contrary to belief, I do not enjoy getting kicked around and do not intend to have this happen ever again.

 

I do not hate myself so much that I would willing be with anyone or anything. (Ick) I do not dislike myself that I would jump into a situation that's not good for me. But it has taken awhile to find out what my buttons are and to step away when my buttons are getting pushed. It has taken awhile to spot inconsistencies in jerks. Abusive men are VERY good at playing the good guy role until they have their hooks in you. I want to see those hooks and run as early as I can.

 

I believe many girls can get involved with men that are abusive in some way. The higher your self-esteem, the longer he will take wooing you and playing the part until he breaks you. If you have lower self-esteem, he will show his true colors sooner. NO woman hates herself or has low enough self-esteem that she's going to get into a relationship with someone who hurts her. But women with lower self-esteem might take longer to give up and get out.

[Locke2121]

Teardrops, let me ask a question. You can PM me the answer if you don't want to spill your guts here.....are you happy with any part of yourself? That may seem like a dumb question, but please think on it and give me an answer. If your not, I'd like to know why.

 

Oh, and as for your distortions...I think alot of people, men and women make those same assumptions. I know I've made a few of them in my life!

[mintblossom]

In general, I like different qualities about myself. But the part where I hate myself is....I hate myself for making these stupid choices and picking and allowing these bad men into my life!!! I hate myself for doing that. I hate the choices I've made, some of the actions I've taken, and things I've done. I feel very embarrassed and angry and horrified and just ashamed at even being near certain individuals when I should have ran ASAP. That's where self-hatred comes in. That's where my active dislike for myself comes in the form of guilt and disgust.

 

My last phonecall where I called this guy, it was several months ago. Imagine my horror when he started putting me down on the phone. He had not done this before. I literally had to grit my teeth, go through withdrawal symptoms like an addict in order to get away permanently. I want nothing to do with him.

[Locke2121]

Ok....I think I understand you a bit more now. My advice? Stop beating yourself up! We all get into a mode of thinking that seems to take over our lives. You got caught up in being attracted to jacka@@es. Thats ok. They have their appeal. They appear more confident, something that is extremly attractive to alot of women.

 

But embarressed? Ashamed?! Don't be. Instead, be proud and happy that you have finally recognized what is wrong with your life. Drop the self-hatred and rebuild yourself into someone who is full of self-love. Not an easy road, I know.

 

If I may...my story is the exact opposite of yours. I NEVER let anyone in. Most of my life, I was too wrapped up in a thick shell of self-loathing that I believed no woman could ever find me attractive or more than the most casual of friends. This despite many women calling me handsome and charming.

 

It took the actions of a very dear and loving friend to help me. I think she recognized the person I was within and took it upon herself to break through that shell. She started small, a smile here and there. Being a waitress, she knows the fine art of flirting. As time went on, my shell started to chip away and more of the REAL me, the person I always wanted to be, started to come out.

 

Now...I can't describe how much my life has changed. I flirt, hug, joke with women all the time. And I LIKE doing it...I'm not afraid anymore. I still slip of course. I get anxious sometimes and want to wrap back up in my shell. But I don't let myself do it. I've found a new sense of comfort and confidence that I've never known. There is a girl, I've admired...I can comfortably say loved for close to three years now. She is about to be free from a horrible relationship. I'm scared, but I'm going to go for it. I want her there at my side fifty years down the road....

 

I'm a nice guy teardrops...but I'm also a man. I never realized the two went together. Now I do, and there's no going back!

 

 

I think you are on the edge of your own epiphany. I think you are about to remake yourself as I was remade....and it is such a sweet ride!

 

Good luck Teardrops! Don't slip back down that slope, dig in and fight your way to the top of the hill!

[ghost69]

never assume anything. it isn't fair to others who may be trying to get to know you. plus, it makes your dating situations worse. clear your head.