Am I getting more selfish?

[Celadon]

Seriously, I've been wondering about this. It feels like as I learn to stop being such a doormat for other people, I'm actually getting more irritable and demanding. It's like I've swung waaay in the opposite direction.

 

I grew up being very dutiful, responsible, etc. Well, I'm still responsible, but somewhere along the way I realized that having boundaries is a healthy thing, and that people will take advantage of you if you let them, and that I'm often stressed out because I'm not taking care of myself.

 

So now I'm trying to take better care of myself, and be more attuned to what I want/need, and I find myself getting way more irritated than ever before at people. With every little thing, I find myself thinking, "S/he's such a flake!" Or "how come s/he's not responding to me?" It's like I've unleashed a monster .... ! (sort of joking there, but only sort of!)

 

Is this normal for when someone finally starts standing up for themselves? I half-fear that I'm going down a very selfish path and will never be happy because where, after all, will it end? It's like instead of a good healthy self-esteem, I've replaced my compliant nature with a sense of entitlement. What gives? I was just trying to become happier with myself, my life and others. Help.

[Fisch]

I had a similar change this year. My veiws have changed a lot. I feel that I am more interested in having a balance of principles that allow me to express my compassion and intimate connections with other people, but also get what I want and believe that I deserve the best of what I have earned. This was in great part a reaction to getting used by someone in one way or another. I think it is important to make sure that one does not become a narcassist and stuff like that. The fact is, people have to have a healthy self interest, in the end confidence IS believing that you are worthy of good things in life. I think this attitude is helpful in a lot of ways as long as you dont become overly needy, as long as you believe that you deserve great things, but are not going to create negative externalities or whatever but rather work towards finding out how you can get them. But you are way right, a healthy self esteem and a proper definition of selfish are 2 completely different things. If you think you have gone too far down that path maybe you should try and get in touch with that old part of you, and balance it out. P.S. Another coincidence huh!

[mgirl]

It's funny. When i was younger, i was out for what i could get... I was a manipulator, and almost pathelogical about it. I guess it came from growing up in an environment where you had to protect your own best interests because nobody else did.

 

Then, suddenly, one day, after a lot of reflection and lectures from an emotionally conscious and mature sister, i 'realised' that perhaps i was being unreasonable... that perhaps i was using people and that this could be 'wrong'.

 

So... what i did was to 'turn' my life around... No longer did i compete for the next gig. Instead, i tried to help my competitors, almost giving up work so that they could get work.

 

What i have now realised is that nobody will give up their share for you and that it's every man or woman for him or her self. You can be the nicest person in the world, but at the end of the day, it all comes down to survival.

 

So, now, i have revised my strategy and i don't really know where i stand in relation to nurturing my own best interests versus helping others - which i often feel compelled to do, but one thing i know for sure is that i will have boundaries, because no matter what happens, you owe it to yourself and your lifeforce to preserve yourself and your own best interests

[Altruist]

It's always difficult to try to change your nature. Perhaps you should try to identify only the few negative things that you think you can live without but still retain your sweet nature. You don't have to become mean to be assertive.

[Celadon]

I think this attitude is helpful in a lot of ways as long as you dont become overly needy, as long as you believe that you deserve great things, but are not going to create negative externalities or whatever but rather work towards finding out how you can get them. But you are way right, a healthy self esteem and a proper definition of selfish are 2 completely different things. If you think you have gone too far down that path maybe you should try and get in touch with that old part of you, and balance it out. P.S. Another coincidence huh!

Yup, Fisch, we're on a similar journey when it comes to personal growth. Thanks for sharing about the balance between healthy self-esttem and selfishness. I think you're right that maybe I've got to get some of my old self (or ways) back so I don't become narcissistic. LOL!

 

So, now, i have revised my strategy and i don't really know where i stand in relation to nurturing my own best interests versus helping others - which i often feel compelled to do, but one thing i know for sure is that i will have boundaries, because no matter what happens, you owe it to yourself and your lifeforce to preserve yourself and your own best interests

I totally agree, mgirl. It IS a matter of preservation to have boundaries. I've studied boundaries a few times in the past, but there always seems to be more to realize about them. Sometimes boundaries aren't about rejecting others, but giving yourself space to nurture yourself or simply be yourself. If that makes any sense!

 

It's always difficult to try to change your nature. Perhaps you should try to identify only the few negative things that you think you can live without but still retain your sweet nature.

I've been thinking about this, tronix. It's a great idea. It's less stressful to change a few things at a time, rather than just be all scatter-shot. I was running from being stung over and over again by people, but I haven't really figured for where I've been running to.

 

When I became a "Nana" I changed drastically. Now, my life revolves around my kid and her kid....And you know what? I feel better than I ever have about myself.

 

To be loved and needed the way I am now humbles me.

That's really great, rodeo-rider! Sounds like life as Nana is very satisfying for you.