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When one person has a lot of friends and the SO doesn't....


freeindeed
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...Is anyone in a similar situation or know of anyone who's in a similar situation? Where one person in the relationship is like a social butterfly who talks to anyone and everyone, makes all the necessary phone calls to stay in touch with old pals in their hometown, can make plans with anyone, anytime, instantly. While their girlfriend/boyfriend is not social at all, has only 1 or 2 close friends, doesn't keep up with old buddies, and doesn't really talk on the phone that much.

 

Do you think this would be a bad match? Like perhaps the girlfriend/boyfriend will start resenting their SO for talking to everyone while they kinda sit in the corner like a wallflower.

 

Have you known any couple like this where the relationship worked out fine?

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I think that the more important question (if you are the one without the friends) is to build that aspect of your life. And if HE is the one without the friends, don't facilitate him in being a wallflower by becoming one yourself.

 

Both people have to have independent interests. A relationship can "stay together" in a circumstance like you mention... But that doesn't say it is working.

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My bf and I are like this (he's the social butterfly) but we're not exactly an ideal couple. Sometimes I resent the fact that everyone loves him. My boss invited us over for supper and they got along so well. It made me angry. My boss is always talking about him and asking questions. My family loves him. My friends love him. Everyone loves him. It's annoying. But only mildly. Not to the point where it would really bother me.

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I am in that situation as I am in a new city

It sort of sucks having to tag along to everything...

Its a bit diferrent as we are both pretty social and I am friends with his friends now, but I would appreciate some mates of my own.

 

I feel you EG! Moving to a new city is so rough and I find it only gets harder as you get older. It is important for you to have a few friends outside of his social circle.. even if it's just one or two. I would give you advice on how to find those friends if I knew!

 

It was so embarrassing when my bf threw me a going away party and there were 15 of his friends there. I didn't even invite any of my friends because they would have been so outnumbered and are a completely different crowd. It would have been a mess.

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Yes, it is harder as you get older. I moved out here to SD last year and I am having a hell of a time making friends. I have like one good friend down here, along with my two nitwit friends that I moved out here with, but they dont live down here.

 

I think it gets harder to go out and socialize as you get older since people have their established cliques and people are busier with their families and kids.

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Mmhmmm yes I am in the same boat as hazy amber. My bf was born and raised in the town we are in and most of his friends consist of ppl he went to highschool with (ten yrs ago!). So all of his friends and him go way back and there isn't a way where I will fit in completely. I mean, they are nice, but they are still "his" friends.

 

I on the other hand, only have 1 or 2 close friends. I get social anxiety alot so I tend to keep it this way. Sometimes we run into problems with these issues, but its nothing we can't work out. I just have to be accepting of his interests (being social) and make sure I have enough of my own so that I don't sit there being a wallflower. For example, if he is going out with a bunch of friends and Im not in the mood, I make sure I do something that I normally dont do with him. Something of my own. Maybe its a girls night, maybe it just means renting a movie by myself that he would never want to watch!

 

If being less social is truly a part of my identity, then I figure that I truly must enjoy the time alone once in a while. Once I figured this out it was much easier to deal with.

 

If you are thinking about getting into a relationship with someone with opposite social patterns than you, don't think its impossible. You just have to decide what your own values are and what is most important to you. If you two have alot of other good things but your social lives dont mix, no big deal! Thats like saying, "I like rock climbing and he doesnt, will this work?". You know what I am saying? Good luck!

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Yeah. He's pretty much the social butterfly, and I'm the constant wallflower. Don't get me wrong, I'm not anti-social...everyone's always like, "awww she (meaning me) is so sweet!" But still I find it very hard to hold a conversation, even if I try. So instead of trying anymore I decided maybe my fate was just to have a couple close friends (who I'm not really all that close to), which was fine when I was single. But now that I'm in a relationship and I see how my boyfriend is always so happy and loves to be around people, I wished that I were more like that, too. I don't want him to be a wallflower at all, but I also don't want to be left sitting in the background waiting for him to finish his rounds.

 

Any advice or tips on how to get beyond this? Should I talk about this with him, or is it something I should work on on my own. I don't want him to feel burdened.

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I feel you EG! Moving to a new city is so rough and I find it only gets harder as you get older. It is important for you to have a few friends outside of his social circle.. even if it's just one or two. I would give you advice on how to find those friends if I knew!

 

It was so embarrassing when my bf threw me a going away party and there were 15 of his friends there. I didn't even invite any of my friends because they would have been so outnumbered and are a completely different crowd. It would have been a mess.

 

lol

Yep, been there...

 

I think im going to go to the library and see if there is a book club or womens meeting or somethign I can join...

I dont really want male friends, as much as I love guys, they always end up trying something, and I dont want to worry Macca.

 

I was also thinking of joining nz's biggest online dating service thing, and just putting in "want female friends" and see what happens...

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I was in this situation at first, [i'd lost most of my good friends because of a past relationship-- big mistake!]. I've got one or two somewhat close friends, and a good amount of aquaintances, but I always felt inferior in that aspect to my current boyfriend who is adored by many. But then when he's been in town [it's a LDR], we'd hang out with his friends and I love them! I suppose it worked out for me then because now I hang out with them even when R isn't in town, so yay!

I don't really see an issue though...some people are just alot more outgoing than others, what matters most is how your relationship is when it's just you two. Like somebody else said, whoever is the one that isn't the social butterfly can spend time doing things that they wouldn't usually do while the other is out with friends. Whatever it takes to have fun!

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Personally...I tend to think that people tend to be attracted to those who are opposite of them......BUT..I think they are most COMPATIBLE with people who are similar to themselves. Ie... a couch potato and a party animal....usually a fun match for a couple of months..until the couch potato gets sick of the bar scene, and the party animal gets sick of watching Happy Days reruns. Simply put.....I think it is a short lived possibility of it working out. of course I'm no expert.....that's only my opinion. Only time will really tell...

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But now that I'm in a relationship and I see how my boyfriend is always so happy and loves to be around people, I wished that I were more like that, too. I don't want him to be a wallflower at all, but I also don't want to be left sitting in the background waiting for him to finish his rounds.

 

Any advice or tips on how to get beyond this? Should I talk about this with him, or is it something I should work on on my own. I don't want him to feel burdened.

 

Don't rely too much on your bf in social situations. You'll just look like his poodle. Just ask a couple questions to whoever is sitting near you and let them talk. People love to talk about themselves, in general. Smile and make eye contact and you will look like you fit right in.

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Yes listen to hazey.

 

People like to talk about themselves. Be inquisitive and your conversations will take right off, even if you are mostly listening. Ask them what they do at work, where they go to school, where they grew up, where they've travelled to, people can really blab for a long time.

 

Its just something you will have to deal with being the new girl that doesn't know anyone. The other thing you can do is take the initiative to organize something with one of his friends (especially girls) without him. Be like, "Hey will you go to this movie with me? Its too girly for my bf!" Or whatever. Initiate girl time. That way you can bond with his friends without his assistance.

 

This will make your bf love you even more too. Trust me.

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For starters, it beats the hell out of having a SO who is HATED by everyone. Your life is a lot easier when your friends and your SO get along smoothly.

 

I can see how this could cause many problems though -- especially if the issue is that one person is not comfortable being uber-social. The person who felt "left sitting there" resented the SO, while the SO's attitude was "hey you know these people too, you could walk with me".

 

There is also a big difference between situations posted here. In one of them, the person who moved to the new town is not necessarily anti-social or reclusive, she is just a few steps behind in the process. Indeed she COULD make lots of friends, and then they'd be even. This is entirely different from people who have fundamentally different personalities, and will ALWAYS have an imbalance in numbers of friends.

 

As always, it CAN work, but whether it will is up to the individuals. Another consideration is whether or not one person feels neglected. If gf had a huge social circle, and I had nobody, and I had to schedule her long ahead of time, I can see that being a source for problems.

 

I can also see the social person getting tense if they are pulled away from the social scene by the recluse, and then getting mad if they started losing touch.

 

Yeah... it can work, but will it work?

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i don't think it is so much that they are a recluse. i had to do this with my ex gf. i told her that it drags me down when we leave the 'out on the town' scene because she is bored and says nobody talks to her. i told her that she never makes an attempt to talk to anybody and this is why nobody talks to her. it really has nothing to do with being the butterfly or not. put yourself out there and speak up. you may have a good time.

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I am in that situation as I am in a new city

It sort of sucks having to tag along to everything...

Its a bit diferrent as we are both pretty social and I am friends with his friends now, but I would appreciate some mates of my own.

 

Me too E find that it is difficult to make friends with women...When I was single (not married I mean) it was worse cuz all of my friends were married. Now I am in a new State, with my live in bf and its all his friends and family. I do not feel like a wallflower though as I always jump in to any conversation being the comedian that I am! (Hides the insecurities) But I would like to have at least one female friend in this area....lonely...

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Me too E find that it is difficult to make friends with women...When I was single (not married I mean) it was worse cuz all of my friends were married. Now I am in a new State, with my live in bf and its all his friends and family. I do not feel like a wallflower though as I always jump in to any conversation being the comedian that I am! (Hides the insecurities) But I would like to have at least one female friend in this area....lonely...

 

yep

I joined (of all things) an online dating service with a "friends" option

macca isnt that pleased about it, just becuase I get a million messages from sleazy guys, but I explained I need my own friends, that I get really upset when hes out and I am stuck at home. and that Ill only be meeting women...

 

Im chatting to one awesome chick who lives in my area too!

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Does anyone find that people here in the US are too stuck in their cliques?

 

maybe I am biased, but when I was in Europe I had a grand time meeting people, their friends, and friends of their friends, and best of all, becoming friends with them. Granted this was during tourist season, and other travellers, but I was able to still keep in touch with a handful of those, and it's a precious thing.

 

I live in San Jose, CA, and it's the worst city ever for breaking through new social circles, especially if you're socially inept like I am I'm amazed I even have a relationship.

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