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serious problem w/ shy guy, how to break barrier?


oldertwin
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basic story: shy guy, who i have to see regularly, knows i "like" him and hasn't said a word. what now?

 

long story:

ok, there's this guy in our "A grade" local brass band, we sit kinda next to each other 'cos of the band layout. we're both 17, really good at music. he's *got* to have noticed by now that i go bright red whenever he comes in, but i keep acting all crazy because he's reeeally shy and NEVERRR said anything about it.

i turn into this outgoing happy fun girl for everyone ELSE, but if ever it's just me and him, i freeze up. it isn't that i'm shy with guys. i'm not. just with him. and he does the same when i'm around. it sucks. and i'm humiliated that he hasn't bothered to say anything to me about it. like i'm not worth talking to?? i mean, if you suspect that a girl you see around a lot, likes you - and then you get it confirmed by her horrified reaction when someone teases her about you - shouldn't you say SOMETHING??

i KNOW he's reeeally shy. heard from his mum, his sisters. apparently he just DOESN'T TALK when there are girls around. that's actually a bit sad, you know? i'd be happy to teach him. lol. if it weren't for the.. other issues. y'know, i USED to try talking to him. he'd kind of stare at me... then at the ground... and he'd take like 20 seconds coming up with an answer. nowadays i'm too scared to even try.

 

WORST of all. there are only 4 of us 17-yr-olds in the band. the conductor had the bright idea of putting us all in an under-19 quartet. so it is going to be unbearably awkward. & i'm totally freeeeeaking out. the guy happened to miss out on the first rehearsal. our conductor was like, "when marcus gets back, and you all play together, you're going to win!!" i'm thinking, *when marcus gets back he is going to be sooo freaked out.*

i'm scaaared. about two weeks ago i called after him as he was leaving the rehearsal, "hey marcus, you're not actually mad at me, are you?" and he's like "no.. why would i be?" & then he left. just like that.

so obviously he's really pssed off at me and is just too nice / too shy to say so!!!

 

i don't think confronting him would help. i think i need to start with really little things. like not acting all uptight and scowling darkly when he comes in, that would be a start. i keep acting like i hate him, quite openly, because i'm terrified of showing that i like him. it's really dumb. like, he missed out on the rehearsal, so when he came in i was like really tightly and nastily, "Marcus. There was a quartet rehearsal half an hour ago. You missed it. I thought you should know." Then I kinda pretended he didn't exist for about two hours... so if he's confused.. that's quite understandable. >

 

we have not shared a normal conversation since, ohh, about nine months ago. and yet we see each other three times a week! and soon we are going to be having all-weekend rehearsals. i.e. = we're both going to be awkward and miserable. >

is this pathetic, or is this pathetic? you pick. so what do i actually want? i want to be able to talk to him normally! how do i get this to start?? i wind myself up so tight when he turns up to rehearsal, it's starting to mess with my playing ability. and that sucks. i should NEVER have let this interfere with the band. ](*,)

 

comments/alternate viewpoints? or flames? go ahead.

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I feel like I can so relate to this story!!! I can speak from expereince when i tell u that people mirror you. How you act to him, will be how he acts in turn to you. I had the same thing and I decided to grow up and no matter how insecure I felt, I started to smile at him and ask how he was and joking around and he started to relax as well. I invited him to my birthday party and he came, I feel if anything happens with him, its because I decided to bring my walls down,otherwise you will stay in this situaation forever and just keep pining for him.LET UR WALLS DOWN,GIRL! Be vunerable, i know its scary but its the only way. Good luck!

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I feel like I can so relate to this story!!! I can speak from expereince when i tell u that people mirror you. How you act to him, will be how he acts in turn to you. I had the same thing and I decided to grow up and no matter how insecure I felt, I started to smile at him and ask how he was and joking around and he started to relax as well. I invited him to my birthday party and he came, I feel if anything happens with him, its because I decided to bring my walls down,otherwise you will stay in this situaation forever and just keep pining for him.LET UR WALLS DOWN,GIRL! Be vunerable, i know its scary but its the only way. Good luck!

 

thanks for advice *nodnod*

The whole mirroring idea is kind of scary... SERIOUSLY scary. I already notice that when I calm down for brief periods, he does, too. It's like... an exponential effect thing? eeeeeeks!!!

Pining for him? I am not *pining* for him!! *mock-glares at you*

Major issue = This is in a competitive band environment, we are surrounded by adults who seem to think that the whole situation is funny... *sighs* and I can't even look at him without feeling stupid. >

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He likes me?? You're kidding, right? I'd have thought he'd have said SOMETHING. Or at least told the guys off for teasing me about him. >

We have a band gig tomorrow night. Like, a performance, with free food afterwards. Am starting to think I should start up a sane conversation. Am thinking that it will be harder than I orginally thought.

Will keep developments posted (if any), just for the heck of it.

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Don't be so hard on yourself. I know it's easier said than done (I tend to be that way sometimes) but even if you start to criticize your efforts remember that no matter what, the best approach is to be yourself. The first step would probably be to start developing a friendship with him. There's nothing wrong with asking him how he's doing or what he did during the weekend. You'll be less nervous when you get a better idea of what his personality is like. It takes time to gain that kind of confidence, but remember how you began friendships with your other friends. Notice him and show him interest, but then again don't neglect your other friends in the room. Hope this advice helps!

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Why don't you just tell him how you feel? I know you freeze up, he is up on a pedestal and you find it hard to even think about talking. Here is what I want you to do. The next time he comes over, and you want so desperatly to tell him, your going to start to freeze up. I just want you to hold this picture in your head, he lifts a leg and lets one rip!

 

Yep, he is just a guy, like any other. He burps, farts and scratches every chance he gets. When you can hold that image in your mind and look at him, I think you won't freeze near as much. And once your able to talk to him, I'm betting the floodgates will open up!

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Don't take his unwillingness to talk necessarily as a bad sign or a sign that he isn't interested.I am secretly in love with a girl at work but whenever she is around I am so overwhelmed with anxiety that I freeze and can hardly talk.It sounds like he is scared to death of you.Try talking to him but be PATIENT,it might not go well the first time you try but if you keep talking to him,he eventually should be able to calm down .It will likely take a lot of effort on your part to get the ball rolling and he may never ask you out......you might have to do it,but if you continue to try to talk to him,you should be able to tell[after several attempts] if he is interested.If you decide to ask him out it might be best to suggest he come along if a group of you are doing something,''hey a bunch of us are going to get something to eat after practice'' that sort of thing.Lastly it doesn't really matter what you say to him when you attempt to converse....as long as you say something!!

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Me: "... Are you mad at me?"

Marcus: "No... Veronica, you're a nice girl but I just don't like you that way."

Me: "... Well, can we be friends then? 'Cos you're cool."

Marcus: "Sure."

Me: "WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY THAT TWO YEARS AGO, YOU JERK?"

Me: ***Hits him very hard***

***Sulks in the rain for 10 minutes***

***Comes back in to band performance and works out frustration in music.***

***Is more mad than anything else.***

***shrugs***

Thanks guys. I suck.

So much for two years...

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And I still have to play a cadenza-duet with him in our band's quartet on Monday night.

Did I mention that?

Well, consider it well and truly mentioned.

**Is totally screwed.**-----------------------------------------------------------------------------Well that's life!! It happens to most of us all the time.Set your sights on someone else that's all you can do.

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