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Don't understand these feelings

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I've been with my boyfriend almost seven months and we had sex for the first time this past friday.

About a month and a half ago, after we had done some initimate things, he told me for the first time that he wished he could have sex with me. I told him 'eventually' and he said he was glad the feeling was mutual and we would do it when we were ready. We basically had this same conversation about two weeks later. Then at some point I actually asked him if he would get condoms if we were going to have sex and that's when things began to get confusing. He said he didn't need to have sex, but would if I wanted to, but didn't really care if we did or not. We're both still in highschool and this would be both of our first times. I told him until he did care and actually wanted to we wouldn't, because it sounded more to me like he was unsure, which I didn't completely understand because he had said he wanted to.

I made it clear to him that I was ready and wanted to have sex with him.

So this past Friday, we were being intimate and things went further then they have before. He asked if I wanted to have sex and just not finish because neither of us had bought condoms. I hesitated because I was unsure because I am farmiliar with the risks involved in the withdrawl method. We both really wanted to though, and unfortunently in the heat of the moment we gave in. He controlled himself and pulled out on time (i know this does not eliminate the risk of pregnancy) and we both seemed pretty nervous afterwards. he asked if I was concerned about STD or pregnancy. i told him I knew STDs weren't an issue (since neither of us have had any previous sexual partners) but pregnancy was a concern. We talked it out, but he had to leave shortly afterwards and our nerves sorta effected our communication.

Once he was home he text messeged me and explained that he was really nervous about what we had done and asked me to tell him as soon as I got my next period. I told him I would but he was really very anxious. He called down the next morning and things seemed okay. I told him that I thought we should buy condoms in case we ever got to that point again so we didn't have to deal with the anxiety. He didn't seem to agree becase he said it wouldn't happen again, but I told him I was going to get them anyway to be safe.

Then he went into this whole thing about how he suddenly realized he isn't ready to have sex and its to much for him and he doesn't want it. He said things like sex is too big of a burden for him...which is understable. But what I'm not getting is some of the other things he said like he thinks sex will make us have less fun together and take away like an innocence and that he's uncomfortable talking about it so that means he's not ready. This would make sense to me but....he was the one who suggested we have sex in the first place. he said he wished we could. Why did he suddenly change his mind?

Also...this is where I feel selfish. I want to have sex. I don't know why, but I do. I love my boyfriend and have never felt closer with another person and this is something I wanted to share with him. I know he loves me too so I guess the doubts about sex are just from being uncomfortable. But he says he can't imagine he'll be ready too soon and I really want to. I want to do it right, with condoms so we don't have the anxiety afterwards. I know I'm ready. I'm willing to wait and I would never force or pressure him into anything but it's very frustrating.

Does he just suddenly feel like he's not ready because the consequences suddenly seemed too real since we were unprotected? Or is he really just not mature enough and needs to wait? Do you think he'll calm down once he's positive I'm not pregnant (which I'm not...I got my period)? If his mind changes once he knows I'm not pregnant, should we have sex or should I insist we wait because he said he wasn't ready?

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he said like he thinks sex will make us have less fun together and take away like an innocence


Perhaps he's worried about something in your relationship changing. Perhaps he believed he was ready for sex, but now that he feels the full gravity of another person being involved he is unsure.

To me it certainly sounds like he's worried that once you have sex, that may either become a new focal point of your relationship OR that perhaps it will somehow fundamentally change the way you both behave together, in that he feels you both may have a harder time with the innocent fun you used to have once 'sexual fulfilment' appears on the agenda.


As for solutions? Search me Give it time and re-assure him with respect to the strength of your relationship.

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You are in a reasonable position now. You could just enjoy the relationship as is and wait it out until he is ready. He is man, let him come to you and initiate when he is ready.


He is too equivocable. When you two decide to have sex again, if I were you, I'd make sure he doesn't have a chance to equivocate. That is really what seems to leave things so awkward. Focus on the responsibility aspects of it more too. Doesn't seem like he is ready in that regard.

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