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just looking for advice


rich84
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I'm new to this... my girlfriend and i have been dating for about 2 and a half years. just this morning i found out that she cheated on me with a friend. I care so much for her... i love her, but now she needs time to decide what to do. this is the first time i've been cheated on... any advice or if anyone is willing to comment or talk. you don't know how much i'd appreciate it... so the question is wait and forgive or should i cut my losses?

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Cut your losses. If she cheated on you then she obviously doesn't care about you the way you care about her.

 

And what is this crap about her needing time to decide what she wants to do? Do yourself a favor and make the decision for her. Sure it will hurt for a little while but you will be far better off without her and that much closer to a girl who deserves to be with you.

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you should be the one that needs time to decide what to do.

 

she did something that in my eyes shouldnt be done, loads of ways to justify it but i dont believe in any of them.

 

what you should do now is up to you, do you think you could bring yourself to trust her again? do you think you will be comfortable touching her knowing she was with another man? will you become resentfull of her? will you become jelous?

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her excuse was that everyone thought she was cheating anyways... so she drank too much and then 2 times in one nite, then a week later again no alcohol and by choice... I'll admit that i felt that something was not right, so i kept confronting her. i just noticed little things had changed and she started to get distant. i met the guy mid january, and by the end of the month she slept with him.

reply question: can you ever really trust anyone..

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but now she needs time to decide what to do.

 

she needs time to decide what to do? this sounds backwards to me. if anything you should be telling her that you need time, and that maybe you can find it in you to forgive her if she proves she can be trusted, but thats going to take time...and that YOU need time to think about this. Considering she cheated on you...you should not be chasing her around at all.

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Take time to think for yourself. If she needs time then you should def. not talk for sometime.

My ex made out with my roommate one night when they were drunk. I decided to forgive her, and not him. She never forgave herself and instead of fixing things, meet another guy and proceeded to do it again.

 

If you do decide you want to work, and she does as well, I recommend counseling, either by yourself or couples. It will do wonders to get you past this problem if you want to.

 

Take time, evaluate your relationship, and really figure out how much she means to you. Was this a drunken mistake or something that had been in the works for sometime? This could help you right there.

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"her excuse was that everyone thought she was cheating anyways... so she drank too much and then 2 times in one nite, then a week later again no alcohol and by choice..."

 

i know i have to work things out on my end... and that it's ultimately up to me if i want her back...

 

her angle is that she needs time to find herself (whatever that means). she said that she still wants to be with me and that she still loves me, but that she doesn't know how strong the love is and also that if she chooses to try and make us work. that if done wrong, moving to quick or jumping into it without knowing for certain... she doesn't know if she would cheat again or not...

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Cut your losses. You should decide weither or not you can trust her again. You probably feel like you love her so much that you are willing to give her a 2nd chance or make it work. I made the same mistake and it only gave her more time to figure herself out about her feelings for the other guy. Let her go and take time to think.

 

Nothing can make it better at this moment. You just need time to think clearly and re-evaluate what happened.

 

I wish I would've done the same. Not because I want her back now but to have some self respect and dignity.

 

Ask her to give you some time alone. Trust me, it'll shock her when you do... you'll be in control instead of her. It'll let her see how much stronger of a person you are.

 

Again, I'm sorry it happen to you. Good luck and keep posting if you need to vent/talk/ask any questions.

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she doesn't know if she would cheat again or not...

 

Personally, in my opinion, that would be the end of all discussions right there. If she can't even promise it won't happen again, how are you going to trust her again?

 

I know it hurts to let her go and this whole situation is not fun at all...but don't let her hurt you more.

 

I'm a bit surprised as to how calm you appear to me. Not a lot of anger?

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i grew up kinda to myself... it's hard to show emotion on my sleeve, whether it's anger or sadness... i really start to fall apart when i'm alone without anyone to talk to. so i've been trying to talk to some people and i joined this... i've got a friend coming over to talk to and to help me get my mind off it for now... believe me... it's going to hit later... and as hurt and betrayed as i feel right now... i'm not the type to call her names or get violent. that stuff leads to trouble...

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With complete honesty, I would walk. It wasn't a one time thing that was completely by accident out of the blue (not that it would excuse it anyway), and she is taking this time to 'decide what to do.'....

 

I completely understand how much pain you must feel right now. I know how hard it must be for you to decide what to do, but my advice...decide for her.

 

If you did keep dating, not only would you feel untrusting of her all the time, but it would take a LOT of work to repair this relationship. So much, and I'm sorry to say, she isn't playing the regular 'cheater role.'

 

She isn't phoning begging, crying for forgiveness, feeling guilty...she took time off from the relationship. That doesn't show an ounce of remorse, and you certainly don't deserve this.

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Honey, if she cannot even say she is sorry for it (which even if she says she is, she is saying she isn't if cannot promise she won't do it again...) you need to cut your losses and move on.

 

Yes, you can indeed trust people. People whom earn it, show it and deserve it. Not people whom treat your trust and love for them like poo on their shoe.

 

Her excuses are poor - "everyone thought she was...so she did"???? Not that there are excuses.

 

Some couples CAN work through infidelity...but not where one party is not showing responsibility for it or for earning the trust back. She is the one taking "time to think"? It should be you in that state. She is taking you for granted. Sorry, but to stay with her is showing her how poorly she can treat you.

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hey everyone... thanks for your words of encouragement... it hasn't even been a full day, but i've lost someone i care about, also found out she cheated (by way of intercourse and other things) on me, found you great people... then went out and drank every time i felt pain or anger... so now i'm going to pass out after a 28 hour day...i think that's about all i can handle... thank you all again, but please... don't stop.. even if it's repetative, let me hear from you... I'm man enough to say that i'm going to cry myself to sleep now, goodnite

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damn... 3 hours of really bad sleep just didn't help at all. at least when i went to bed before i was really buzzed. now i can't fall asleep, i try and i keep thinking about stuff... keep seeing this guys face... the note i found that broke the ice... the look on her face whenshe was telling me about it. this is the most amount of pain that i've felt before, i don't know what to do...

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hearing your story reminds me of my bad breakup. i had a suspicion of something going on and downloaded a keystroke logger on my computer. i found IM's messages about how they 'can't wait to see one another' blah blah.

 

it sicken me reading it. my stomach felt like it fell out.

 

i won't bore you the details with my story. you can read it in my old posts.

 

i moved out of our apt to give her time to think... bad mistake. i should've kicked her out. i let her play with my emotions for 1.5 yrs.

 

Looking back I wished I had the guts to walk away. I didn't. I hoped. I asked if we could get couple's therapy. I kept the communications line open and still hungout her... in all to hope we get back together... because i 'loved' her.

 

The thing is... it has nothing to do with 'love' or 'loving' her. The question is... If she loved you, why did she cheat? You need time to think about that statement. Your head is probably cloudy with a million things and thoughts.

 

You probably think you can forgive her... but can you forget? Till this day, I can't forget what happen. The person you fell in love with... isn't the same person now. She's changed.

 

The trust is broken and will never be the same.

 

My advice, tell her you need time to think what happen. When you're ready, you'll contact her... She'll want to stay 'friends'. Don't contact her answer her contact.

 

I know it's early in this whole mess and you're probably having a hard time dealing with this...

 

Take a 5 minutes before you want to say or do anything and think about what you're going to do or say.

 

PM if you want to talk...

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yes my head is clouded, millions of thoughts and feelings.

 

i got about 3 more hours of sleep and since i've gotten up i watched tv, felt bad... and just got back from a get together with her father.

 

yesterday it just felt right to call him, he's always been open and there if i needed it. i got a bunch more information that i didn't know and tried to correct lies that she told. the story her family knows and the story that i know are nothing close to the same. now i'm all alone again, so this is where it kinda starts getting bad again. i miss her and i know that i love her, but if we don't end up together then i just hope that she is better off. could i sit and bad-mouth her... yes, but that isn't the person that i am. thanks again everyone

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Hang in there buddy, I've been in the same position as you with someone I was with for ten years. Yes it is devastating at first, but it will get better once a little time passes.

 

Six months later I feel great most of the time and I am happy that I had to go through that. It makes you a much more caring and thoughtful person when you are crushed like that.

 

You'll make it through this mess just fine, and you'll come out of it a much better person.

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Sometimes you need to go through this yourself.... every one of us is going to tell you to get out, run, walk away, end it... move on etc.

 

You have two choices, take our word for it. Tell her that she broke your heart, and you cannot trust her again, as she doesnt even show remorse for what she did.. thereforeeee its over.

 

Or, stay with her and get hurt again. Theres 2 kinds of cheaters I think... the people that do it, and then die from the guilt when they realize what they have done. Your girl doesnt sound like shes dying of guilt. So that means shes the other kind... once a cheater always a cheater. Guess what? That means you have heartbreak on speed dial with this girl. I wont say I told you so, but When I see you posting again about how 'this time' its really over... well Ok so ill say I told you so.

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to all of those who have shown an interest. i just spent about 2 hours with her talking... and think more truth came out. but talking to her has helped shed more light. i think (like you've said) that in time i'll be ok. but that doesn't help the immediate pain and hurt. the talk that we had today i think helped to close some open chapters.... and a realisation that we won't get back together

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to all of those who have shown an interest. i just spent about 2 hours with her talking... and think more truth came out. but talking to her has helped shed more light. i think (like you've said) that in time i'll be ok. but that doesn't help the immediate pain and hurt. the talk that we had today i think helped to close some open chapters.... and a realisation that we won't get back together

 

then you are better off without her. My vote is tell her its over, and then go no contact. No talks, no emails, no chats nothing. Forget she existed. Pretend shes dead.. whatever.

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