Is my heart not ready to love again??

[anon_0275]

Hello. I'm a first time poster. I've recently broken up from a 1.5 year relationship; my partner was irresponsible, dependent, and clearly abusive. It took me a while to break away from him, but after 3 good months of self-convincing, I finally did. Not 2-3 weeks later, I'm at a friends wedding, and I meet someone--a friend of the bride (whereas I am mostly a friend of the groom). Surprisingly, I asked him out to coffee and Barnes; he nervously accepted. We've been dating now for only 3 months. He has repeatedly used the 3 words (I love you) and I've communicated to him that that makes me quite nervous, as I know I'm not ready to reciprocate these words, and possible feelings as well. He acknowledges that it is ok, yet I can't help but wonder if I'm capable of loving, or specifically saying it. I do care about him, yet I feel myself irrestibly draw away from this level of committing this quickly. In my last relationship, I held back quite a bit on this phrase--perhaps because I secretly resented him for doing all the things he was, and wasn't doing. What I can't figure out is if I would have said it had the situation not have been as stiffling. So more to the point: How long would you estimate would be a normal about of time for someone to open up to another person, after having a somewhat bumpy relationship prior? How will I know I actually love this person? How will I know that I'm not just saying it to be the pleaser, thus starting the door-mat type relationship all over again? And finally, is it wrong of me to have second thoughts about being in a committed relationship at this time? How do I balance my feelings of wishing to date him, yet be alone when needed, with his needs and his desire to be with me? I know these are indepth questions, but any feedback would be appreciated. Thanks.

[andromeda]

...to have all these doubts. There's no set time clock to when to say "I love you" because it's a feeling, not a mechanical response. When and if it is time to say it to this guy, you'll know. You won't think about it; it will be a purely emotional response, a feeling of security.

 

Three months is a relatively short time to speak of love, and he may be overly emotional, in love with the feeling of being with someone so agreeable. It's okay to have doubts and it may take a while before you trust things, especially after coming off such a bad relationship. So don't run your growing relationship on an egg timer. And don't let yourself be pulled along.

 

If you do enjoy being with him, just be with him. If you don't think you're ready, articulate this (I think you have already). If you don't feel for him period, then state that, as well.

 

I hope this helps.

[anon_0275]

Thanks for the response Andromeda (nice name, btw). I think him to be quite emotional, which is a good thing for him, as long as he uses it positively. I think of myself as an outwardly level headed person, but secretly quite emotional--or obviously emotional when I rattled. I liked your distinction between talking of love as an emotional element, and not a mechanical one. My first instinct tells me I'm acting at a mechanical level, not an emotional one. I've admitted to be quite afraid to let the proverbial genie out of the emotional bottle, for fear of what may or may not arise out of it. I think my next task now is to determine whether or not I do have feelings for him, and see if I'm able to allow them, rather constantly looking to see if I have them (like a pair of glasses on your head ) Thanks for the small course correction. Appreciate the feedback!

[crusher]

I was on the other end of the perverbial stick on this subject recently. I was cool to meet someone and start dating....Unfortunately, the guy I met was still in prior relationship recovery, even though he didn't want to admit it.

 

If you discover that this is not the right thing or its not the right time for you...be kind. Let the guy know very specifically what your feelings are for him and what block there may be for you to get further involved with him. If you care about the guy, that's the best thing you can do for him if you can't stick around.

 

Good luck!