No "O"

[k-mango]

Ok my boyfriend and I have been together for 9 years and we are the only people that we have been with sexually. He doesn't know it, but he has never given me an orgasm..EVER. We have tried various positions, oral sex, and other forms of intimacy but nothing works. Is it possible that I am physically unable to have an orgasm from sex, or is it psychological? I have had an orgasm before but it was through masturbation...not sex. I have no idea what to do about this because I love this man with all of my heart and I have never cheated on him, but part of my brain is wondering if maybe it's that I can't have one with him specifically. I don't want to leave this man and want our relationship to continue but not being sexually satisfied for 9 years is starting to take a toll on me. I feel as if I'm missing out on one of life's greatest pleasures and I can't stand it. Please help me.

[arwen]

Hey mango!

 

Welcome to ena!

 

Wow, 9 years together without a single 'O'... First off, let me start out by telling you that MOST women don't have orgasms from penetration. So the trick is to work around it a bit. Why not masturbate while he is stroking your breasts during foreplay? Or have him finger you? Teach him how to?

 

Arwen

[EvaGina]

I cant finish unless im touching myself... and I cant "O" from oral (unless there is porn involved)

 

Not cumming from plain penetration is completely normal

 

edit: you dont fake, do you?

[jsx730]

First: Learn to make yourself "O" reliably. If you can't do it, you can't expect him to.

 

Second: Don't stress over it. If it happens it happens.

 

Third: Like previously stated, orgasm from penetration alone is not likely. So, try masturbating while having intercourse.

[Locke2121]

link removed you go. There are some great tips for couples in here. May I recommend the section on stimulating the G-Spot?

[EvaGina]

Didnt read your link Locke, but with the Gspot thing, its different with every guy depending on the direction and amoung of "bend" he has in his hang

[k-mango]

I'm able to give my self an orgasm but for some reason he never can...I try moving his hand, giving the obvious signals, but I have never told him that he has never given me an orgasm...yes I fake it...almost every time and it sucks. I don't want to tell him after nine years b/c I feel like that would crush his ego and then he def. won't feel confident enough in the bedroom to give me one....ohhh I don't know what to do...is there a nice way to put it...other than to just say..."hey by the way the entire 9 years we've been together you have never made orgasm" Please help

[jsx730]

Can you just make yourself orgasm with your hand while having sex?

 

This is the only way my girlfriend can come through intercourse. I don't think it's abnormal.

 

Certainly don't tell him you've been faking. Just start working your hand down there during the deed.

[EvaGina]

oh dear

 

I have absolutely no advice... you are right, it would crush him, and he would be eitehr totally upset or understandably very angry, seeing as you have in effect been lying to him for 9 years.

 

stop faking... wean it off, after 9 years you can say you have gotten "sensitised" to what he is doing...

 

EDIT: do you masterbate while having sex?

[JoeWho]

Definitely do not tell him that you have been faking it for 9 years. Maybe you could try just masturbating while he is next to you just so you can orgasm with him there. Then once you are comfortable with that, things could progress toward him.

[scarew]

A couple ways you can work around it without hurting his feelings. As one poster already mentioned, say that you are simply becoming used to what he has been doing and might have to try new stuff to have an orgasm.

 

Option B- express to him that there are several DIFFERENT kinds of orgasms a woman can have and you would really like to experience them with him (this is a fact by the way). You can say that when you're with him you get a certain kind, but one time when you masturbated you had a really intense, good one, and you want him to give you one of those. Then teach him how.

 

It will be easier to teach him once you have established the idea that he will have to try new things/techniques. This way he will be forced to be patient and so will u. If you are planning on teaching him, DON'T GIVE UP! Don't fake it again and say that it worked. Be strong enough to tell him that its just not working and "finish off" the old way if you get too tired to continue. Then try again the next day.

 

Really, there are 3 or more different types of orgasms that women experience, so use that as leverage in this case.

[k-mango]

I've never masturbated during sex we talked about that once b/c I came very close ONCE and began to finish myself, but he moved my hand and said he wanted to help me finish. He's a bit of a control freak in the bed...he likes to be in control of what's happening and if I tried to do that I feel like he would be offended and think he's not doing a good enough job. I know those are his issues and that shouldn't stop me from getting pleasure out of sex but it does. I want him to give me an orgasm more than anything but it's just not happening. He can't give me one through penetration, "fingering", or even through oral sex. I just don't know what to do and I don't want to hurt his feelings by saying..."hey you know it's just not good for me." Ohhh I'm so frustrated with this situation...it's starting to make me wonder if he's just bad in bed. That sucks if that's the case because I love him so much and I would never leave him b/c of sex, but at the same time it makes it very hard for me to resist temptation. Since he is the only person I have ever had sex with in my life it makes me wonder....could I have an orgasm with someone else...would it be better....or would it still be the same. The curiosity is there and I don't want it to get the better of me b/c I pride myself on the fact that I have never cheated. Oh the confusion!

[EvaGina]

I've never masturbated during sex we talked about that once b/c I came very close ONCE and began to finish myself, but he moved my hand and said he wanted to help me finish. He's a bit of a control freak in the bed...he likes to be in control of what's happening and if I tried to do that I feel like he would be offended and think he's not doing a good enough job.

 

that is not a good sign at all.

If you arent comfortable telling him what you need, then why are you even having sex with him?

I hate to be a wet blanket, but I cant see you ever orgamsing in a situation like that.

[doyathink]

oh yeah....been in your shoes. I dont fake one, but I have a hell of a time having one with my SO. I've never in my life had a problem with having one with other men...just my current SO.

 

I've told him what to do.....and what NOT to do...and he seems to continue to do what I've told him doesn't work. He has no idea where a womans G-spot is...and apparently doesn't care to know.

 

At times, when I get close....he will just quit doing what he's doing and it's frustrating to no end. I will even tell him...'don't stop'...and he STOPS!

 

Hope you can figure out a solution...good luck, I dont have any good advice to give you...sorry.

[arwen]

Hey mango,

 

I think you don't need to tell him about the faking. Honestly, I faked sometimes and it was just because I could feel 'the O' was not gonna happen. The need to 'peak' is different between men and women. I can have very good times without the O, it's not the goal of everytime I have sex with my bf. But of course, most of the times it's nice if it happens!

 

I think that it would definitely crush his ego, but also because he probably doesn't understand that sex is still 'nice' for you without the 'O' (I assume you enjoy it but something is just missing, if HE would not orgasm I think that would be a terrible thought to him but I am not a man so it's hard to imagine. In addition men are different as well, so generalizing is a bit dangerous

 

Anyway, have you tried oral? Why don't you give him hints while being kind of 'excited' about it (encourage him when it starts to feel like the O may arrive things like that? Or... buy toys, just for fun and have him play with it.

 

Durex has a vibrations ring that is kind of fun. He puts it around his penis, and and there is a part that vibrates, that is designed to reach your clitoris. Sounds good, huh? Well, I tried and it's a bit strange in the beginning lol. It's worth a try though!!!

 

Another thing, why not touch yourself until you're almost there (he can watch... ) and have him finish the job?

 

Arwen

[TheFoglifter]

Yeah, you kind of made your own bed with this one didn't you. It is the fear of many many men that one day their partner is going to come out and say "I've been faking this whole time".

 

Ignorance is bliss, and after 9 years, you would probably get dumped for lying. I'm sure the guilt is more than enough punishment, so you'll have to get very creative in fixing this problem.

 

I would suggest that you do it under the guise of "trying something new". Probably NO man anywhere, ever, is going to say no when his woman wants to do something new in the bedroom. Figure out what will make you orgasm, and get him to do it. Try some new positions that let you touch yourself while doing them, and do that.

[Svech]

There are such special pills to increase libido. If I'm not mistaken it is Sentia (or other drugs - there are many brands). My wife used Sentia to be able to have orgasms and it helped her.

[candy604]

can you see a sex therapist or buy ur bf some books??

[julsiebear]

that is not a good sign at all.

If you arent comfortable telling him what you need, then why are you even having sex with him?

I hate to be a wet blanket, but I cant see you ever orgamsing in a situation like that.

 

I have to agree with Eva, communication is key! You've got to tell him what you need, even if you don't tell him you've been faking. If he's not letting you help yourself while he's with you, you've got to let him know that you want to try it. I'm sure he'll be alright with it as long as you explain that it makes you feel good!

If you're not comfortable telling him these things, you are probably up for a long, hard road ahead.....

[Mavis VDSande]

I have to agree with Eva, communication is key! You've got to tell him what you need, even if you don't tell him you've been faking. If he's not letting you help yourself while he's with you, you've got to let him know that you want to try it. I'm sure he'll be alright with it as long as you explain that it makes you feel good!

If you're not comfortable telling him these things, you are probably up for a long, hard road ahead.....

 

I agree totally - after 9 years with this guy - you should feel comfortable enough to discuss bedroom activities and concerns.

 

Maybe you could arrange a romance evening where you both massage each other and "re-discover" what turns you both on? Like ask him what he likes and prompt him to ask you what you like. Start with simple things like stroking each other's hand and hugging each other naked, then move as you like.

 

But anyway I would seriously think about telling him how you really feel. Otherwise it can get more hurtful for both of you.

[Aleadragonhawk]

Best advice I can give you? Stop faking it. It gives a TON of wrong signals, and you've essentially taught him that things that don't bring you pleasure bring you to orgasm. Also realize that vaginal intercourse is normally NOT enough to bring a woman to orgasm. Around 90% require some kind of clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm.

[StillClimbing]

INCORPORATE A SMALL VIBRATOR. IT WILL FEEL GOOD FOR YOU BOTH.

 

If he askes why you want it suddenly, just say you want to spice things up. You have already lied for 9 years...not sure I would want to break it to him at this point, esp if he is a control-freak with a big ego. Just tell him all your girlfriends are talking about how much BETTER things get with the little toy.

 

I'm sure he won't mind...and if he seems like his ego is fading, just remind him how much you love intercourse with him and only him.

 

It will all work out!

 

BTW, it is not because he is bad in bed. I used to think that with my 1st boyfriend too...5 years of just him and no O I wondered if it was his fault. I've since been with others with the same result. Actually, the firt bf was the BEST in bed...! Try the toy, let him use it on you, and then finish yourself off and tell him about it. He will love it!

[Japanfreak05]

I'm in the same boat K-mango. It's only been 2 years for me and my guy. But I fake it every time too. I wish I had some advice, but I don't know what to do myself. It is so fustrating!!!! I hope things work out tho!!