finewhine Posted March 5, 2007 Share Posted March 5, 2007 Warning: this is long. But if anyone's curious about the progress of someone ten months out of a 3.5 year relationship, read on: OK, I'll be the first to admit I'm going through a crappy time in life. I am in the middle of a job switch and some other lame stuff. I'm almost over the hill - everything should be totally calmed down by May (only two months, woo!). I'm nearly where I want to be with respect to healing from my breakup. Orlander gave me a great suggestion a couple weeks ago that has really changed the way I feel about things. Basically, he said that it does not matter how poorly my ex treated me before or after my breakup, and that I should wish him well. This advice has helped me tremendously. I think wishing the best for my ex has permitted me to achieve a near-complete split from the pain he caused me. Additionally, even though I have known since I initiated my breakup (ten months ago, sheesh!) how wrong the relationship was for me, I am finally able to understand this on both an intellectual and emotional level and, as Blender would say, separate the facts from my feelings. Fact: my ex treated me like garbage for the last six months of our relationship. But I finally understand that he treated me like this because of his limitations and our basic incompatibility, not out of pure malevolence (although there was certainly an element of malice there). Fact: my ex started dating someone a week after he forced me to end our 3.5 year, marriage-track relationship. But I finally understand that his choosing to do so has nothing to do with me and everything to do with his inability to face himself. Fact: the woman my ex chooses to date is my polar opposite. But this doesn't reflect on me in any way; rather, he wasn't invested in our relationship and his choice of someone so, um, lame has to do with his need for an ego-trip. In conclusion: My ex's ideal relationship (whether it's with his current girlfriend or some other not-so-lame girlfriend/wife) looks NOTHING like my ideal relationship. It has taken me ten months (!!!) to understand this. Although it was wrong of him to treat me so callously, his actions reflect on HIM, NOT ME. He never had the potential to be what I needed him to be because it isn't in his nature. Similarly, I wasn't what he wanted, either. Gee, I figured that out when he treated me like refuse, but I just realized I could never be who he wanted because it was contrary to my nature. Another great recent development (thanks, Orlander!) is that I am finally beginning to understand why I stayed in an unfulfilling relationship long past its prime. I was living comparatively. I looked to my friends in relationships and believed that to be worthy of their company, I needed someone meaningful in my life, too. I also realized something truly ugly about myself: my old insecurities (most of which have dissipated, but not completely) made me want an ally. My ex has (had?) similar insecurities, and we fed off each other to feel OK. And finally, we had a real connection. Having seen my best friend fall in true love, I don't think what I shared with my ex was quite that. It was real enough for me at the time, but I was emotionally stunted, insecure, and hadn't yet achieved the modicum of self-actualization I continue to improve upon on a near-daily basis. I know myself so much better than I did back then, and I'm so much more secure. Here in the present tense, I am filled with a feeling of raw acceptance. I feel a little worse for the wear. I'm a little sadder and a lot wiser. I've been on a hiatus from dating/hooking up since November, and I feel that it should continue until I get everything with my job/living situation ironed out. I simply don't have the strength to feel attracted to anyone. Basically, I feel like a turnip that has been attacked by Bunnicula. But hey, a dessicated turnip is better than a sobbing, oozing, crazy turnip any day. I guess I'm licking my wounds a little, kinda hibernating, and will enter into a new phase of dating when I feel a little more energetic. In summary, I hope that my happiness and zest for life returns to me soon, but I think the final acceptance of my breakup has knocked the wind out of me. I'm still occasionally possessed by random urges to contact the ex to see if he misses me; I'm still occasionally flooded by thoughts of him (not missing, but remembering); the thought of being in the same room with him still makes me a little sick. But it's nothing compared to how I felt before, and for that I am unbelievably grateful. So there's where I'm at. I don't know if I have any questions aside from, "Has anyone felt anything similar?" and "Am I doing basically OK?" Quote Link to comment
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