Problem with Vanity

[MFL101]

Here is my issue:

 

I am in my 20's and I have been dating someone for a short period now (1 month). I really love the time we spend together and everything.

 

Now here is where my vanity comes into play....

 

She has some acne on her face, not like a horrible case but it's noticeable.

 

I want to figure out some way that I could "hint" to her to get it taken care of. It sucks that I am fixated on it, but I can't really help it. I was thinking about getting her a gift certificate for a spa for a facial or something...but that might be too straight forward.

 

I can't come out and say something about it at this point, we havent dated long enough yet....

 

What do you all think I could do?

[lessy20]

Well I'm thinking she is fully aware that it's there and she hates it as well. I doubt she just doesn't care, maybe she has tried a lot of treatments that don't work? I've never had a problem with that, but I have had friends that do and they are extremely insecure about it, it would only make it worse if their SO said something about it.

[Batya33]

Yes, you can help it. I have dated people who have similar "flaws" - and either you accept it, or you don't. It is a choice - it's called getting to know and like the person so that even if you notice the flaw, it doesn't matter to you - it's a neutral if not a positive. I have dated for short periods of time one or two people who made "suggestions" - one was to wear "more makeup" and that "his mother would take me to a makeup professional to learn how to apply makeup." Stupidly I went out with him one more time. But then I wised up.

 

It would be incredibly rude for you to suggest that to her unless she suggested it herself. If she suggests that she is unhappy with her acne, you can say "well if you are unhappy, I would support you if you wanted to look into some treatments or procedures." And that's it.

 

If you just can't accept it, please let her find someone else who can look past her physical flaws.

[CharLit]

I very much doubt that she is unaware of it. Acne is incredibly hard to get rid of in many cases, and a facial really isn't going to change skin conditions which are usually down to hormonal imbalances caused by puberty.

 

If this really is a dealbreaker for you, end it, but I would advise against saying anything about it directly or indirectly. You would just be confirming insecurities she doubtlessly already has. In most cases, acne will just go away by itself eventually as people mature.

[woebegone]

I used to have acne, and it has always been one of my biggest insecurities. Luckily I found someone who thinks I'm beautiful. I hope she can find the same.

[annie24]

I agree with batya. I am sure she knows she has the acne, and has probably spent hundreds of hours obsessing about it and trying to get treatments. it was really hurtful to me in the past when I was dating a guy, and he was picking out little things about me that were flaws, even my acne. I mean, it's not like I wasn't trying to get rid of it, and actually, i got a lot of it from kissing him! (kissing a guy with facial hair makes me break out).

 

I think if she actually asks for some help, give her a gift to the spa, otherwise, don't say anything. it takes far more than just 1 spa visit to get rid of acne. unless you want to give her a $1000 gift certificate for multiple sessions.

[melrich]

From the little I know of acne I believe it can be very hard to clear up, it's unlikley to be something as simple as "having a facial".

 

It's a very sensitive subject, like lessy20 says, I am sure she is very aware of it and has maybe even tried some treatments. I certainly wouldn't be "buying her a gift" that may in fact be a quasi treatment.

 

Maybe it is something you could raise with her from the angle of has she ever seen a dermatologist about but personally I think there would be a chance that she would not respond well.

[Batya33]

I used to have acne, and it has always been one of my biggest insecurities. Luckily I found someone who thinks I'm beautiful. I hope she can find the same.

 

Not to put too fine a point but I don't think it is about "luck" or "thinks" - it's simply that you "are" beautiful, acne and all - ok fine, acne probably doesn't make you "more" beautiful but if you are lucky than so is he.

[MFL101]

Thank you all for your advice.

 

I didn't mean to come off as someone who this could be a dealbreaker for.

 

I can look beyond it, but I was curious to see if anyone has had the same kind of problem before. I don't want to pick out her flaws, I just want to help if she needs it I guess...

 

Thanks again.

[annie24]

well, of course, if she brings it up herself, like you two are in the car, and she is looking in the mirror and says, "I hate my pimples", you can say something like, 'I have a friend that went to the dermatologist and it really helped her, have you gone to one?" To get rid of my acne, I got a facial every 2 weeks for 6 months which got VERY pricey, but it got rid of them, but I stopped going, and they came back (but not as bad).

[sophie274]

I think most people have at some time or other dealt with acne. I'm sure she knows all about x-cream and y-gel and facials this, and dermatologist that ... unless she has been living under a rock! If I were you, I would only say anything if she specifically says "I need help with my acne can you help me?"

[EvaGina]

well, of course, if she brings it up herself, like you two are in the car, and she is looking in the mirror and says, "I hate my pimples", you can say something like, 'I have a friend that went to the dermatologist and it really helped her, have you gone to one?" To get rid of my acne, I got a facial every 2 weeks for 6 months which got VERY pricey, but it got rid of them, but I stopped going, and they came back (but not as bad).

 

funninly enough I had almost the exact some conversation about my dermatitis with Macca, we were even in the car!!

 

The thing is, if she goes "I went but nothing worked well enough for the price" or "I cant afford it" then reassure her its nothing to worry about...

[Batya33]

Thank you all for your advice.

 

I didn't mean to come off as someone who this could be a dealbreaker for.

 

I can look beyond it, but I was curious to see if anyone has had the same kind of problem before. I don't want to pick out her flaws, I just want to help if she needs it I guess...

 

Thanks again.

 

it seems to me you didn't post out of wanting to help her, but out of wanting to get rid of her flaw ostensibly so you could be more attracted to her or more accepting of her appearance. Helping someone who has a physical flaw means first deciding whether the person knows about it. Here, it is presumed she does. If she knows about it, she will ask you for help if she needs help from you. Problem solved.

[musicguy]

ProActive

[musicguy]

so what if she has acne. People break out more than others. I know way back in high school I had pretty bad acne. You shouldn't be focused on that, but focus on your relationship with her