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Should I tell my ex what I'm doing if I go NC?


RedDelPaPa
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Hi everyone.

 

Should I tell my ex what I'm doing if I decide to go full on NC? Or should I just do it and let her ponder why I no longer converse with her? She hasn't given me any explanation for why she doesn't want to be with me. So, whatever.

 

Your opinions please?

 

Thanks,

N8

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Good points folks. Thanks.

 

Some say yes, and most seem to say no. What's up with this?

 

I've heard some people say "Friends tell friends what they're doing. If you have an ex that you want back, the last thing you want is to end up just a friend, so don't do it."

 

Makes sense.

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My belief is if the "ex" is NOT asking then there is no reason to say anything. Just make a promise with yourself, one day at a time, to go "no contact", IF or WHEN, the ex ever asks "why" you are not responding, or calling, THEN you can say in a kind way:

 

"I was respecting your choice to end the relationship and getting on with my own healing, if you have "discovered authentic feelings" for me during this time then of course you may contact me, but if not, then I don't feel it's best for us to be in contact, I'm sure you can respect and understand this".

 

this is a respectful loving way to set a boundary and standard/value for your own life and heart, and it also leaves the door open if the ex ever does discover authentic feelings, and they also know NOT to be in contact if they don't. This is a powerful, empowering, attractive and healing thing to do.. so again, if the ex is NOT asking, then there is nothing else to do, but start "no contact" contract with YOURSELF, for YOU, for YOUR own healing.. letting go, is really about setting YOURSELF free.

 

Again, hear this loud and clear if you care to absorb any of this, do not "announce' your no contact if the ex is NOT asking... because sometimes we trick ourselves into thinking, "I'm going to tell the ex "I'm going no contact and I'll probably get some response or provoke some emotion in them"

 

well this is NOT a good idea for why you would want to tell her.. these type of un-asked for "announcements" we make towards the ex usually just causes them to roll thier eyes, and then leaves us with the feeling of "ugh, why did I go and have to "say it, when I wasn't even asked?"

 

So just do it.. one day at a time for yourself, and IF she ever does ASK, then you know what you're going to say.. but NO reason to say anything now, after she's already made a choice to leave and remember she is NOT contacting you in any respectful, loving intentional way...right? so best to let her have the opportunity to wonder about you, and then she if her curiosity gets the best of her, trust that she will "reveal" just that in her own way..

 

And you don't want just a "curiosity call" or an "I need a boost to my ego and my guilt alleviated" kind of call.. nope. If the ex contacts you at all, set a clear loving standard/value for your own heart.. and say the truth, in a self respecting way by setting boundaries, of "they can only contact you if or when they discover that they want to intentionally work on being a couple again, if not, then it's too soon to go backwards right now and just be "buddies" after all the intamcy shared...and this is not the time to "re-define" yourself as a "buddy or friend" only to water down the place you once had in their heart... so stay away, get busy with your own life for today.

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good for you "hyruleGuardian".. you're doing the right thing.. as far as other saying "honest communication is important".. well all I can say is if the EX is NOT communicating with you, then it's time to be HONEST AND COMMUNICATE WITH YOURSELF... and try 'no contact" one day at a time, so you can heal, re-gain some perspective, feel all your feelings instead of

re-acting to them by saying something to the ex.. just take time and give the ex space and make a choice to "accept" that they ended the relationship... and for now the most important thing to think about is YOUR OWN healing, and "no contact" will help you do just that...

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I had no intention of getting back with my ex, but I told him that I didn't want to talk to him anymore and stuck with it. I would feel wrong to just drop off and leave him wondering what was going on even if he was abusive and kept hurting me when I tried to reconcile or end things gracefully. Especially since we were married.

 

I just couldn't take being broken down and screamed at anymore. I gave him my lawyer's contact and told him if he had any questions, to ask her. I then cut off all contact and deleted my email addresses.

 

Anyways, I told him because I wanted him to know it was absolutely over and didn't want to leave him in limbo (especially since the lawyers move damn slow!). I also wanted to end it clearly for myself - I made a vow and I honoured it for myself as well.

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Aurian, I think in your situation you did the absolute right thing for yourself, he was "screaming at you and you felt broken down" so it was important for you to set a specific boundary with him. And you knew that were you no longer interested in trying to work on the relationship with him.. so choosing to go "no contact" while you were still "hurting" I'm sure was so difficult to do, but was also the most self respecting choice..

 

Letting him know your choice for "no contact" was right for you, because you didn't want to leave him in "limbo", because you knew that it was 'over" as far as you were concerned, it's very difficult to make that vow to yourself and to honor it for your own self respecting sake... but oh so worth it..wow, good for you.

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I totally agree with this. You seem like a very respectful person.

 

I have decided that if someone dumps you with no explanation they must either:

 

1. Not care about you at all;

2. Be trying to get away from you;

3. Be with someone else.

 

I can't think of any other possible reasons? Tell me if you think there could be some others.

 

If someone has doen that to you, why bother giving them respect back. You owe them nothing. If someone chucked an egg at you would you smile and say "hello" to them? No.

 

So if someone has shown you obvious disrespect by not even telling you proper reasons, then stuff it. Just do no contact.

 

Oh thought of another reason: they are a little bit selfish and a little bit of a coward.

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Well, if someone leaves you in an abrupt way, where you don't even know what happened, or even understand why.. and the ex didn't explain it to you... it usually means they didn't want to face "themselves".. whether it because they can't face someone when they need to be "emotionally responsible" whether it's to 'break up" or to "reconcile"...

 

And "no contact" IS done out of "RESPECT".. for self respect, and because you respect that someone has made a choice to not be involved right now.. it's all about "respect".. whether they know it is or not, of if they treat with respect or not, it's up to you to conduct YOURSELF in a way that makes you feel good about yourself..in the long run, not the immediate reaction to desperate feelings.. just feel those feelings..work through them with friends, family, a therapist, but NOT with the ex, and if some has hurt you because they chose to leave....then the most self respecting and respectful, healing thing for you to do in a self loving way is to "let go with love"...especially self love.. because when our hearts have been broken, it's the most difficult time to maintain our dignity, and to rise above the pain to make choices that will help us heal..ugh... it is so hard to do, but so worth it.

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Yes totallt agree. Your posts are really helpful.

 

Basically who cares about being polite when they have shattered your heart into a million pieces? If they love you but have left you for their own reasons then they WILL understand why you have started no contact. If they don't then they have no empathy and are not worth the trouble anyway.

 

Ha! Writing this is kind of formulating advice to myself as well.

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Well, it's always better to be "polite".. because you can politely maintain "no contact"... it's not about being "NOT polite" or about "getting back" at the ex, it's about "getting your sense of self back on your own"... for you, for your own healing.. and growth... the ex is the ex for whatever reasons, there's no blame, there's only "lessons".. so we can choose to learn so much from our heartache.. and being "polite" is a sign of self respect... and I mean "politely going no contact".. meaning, "no angry words, no verbal negative gossip", instead just get busy with your own life, and if the ex is NOT asking how you are, or asking you why you are not in contact, then the most self respecting polite thing to do is to maintain "no contact".

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Well, it's always better to be "polite".. because you can politely maintain "no contact"... it's not about being "NOT polite" or about "getting back" at the ex, it's about "getting your sense of self back on your own"... for you, for your own healing.. and growth... the ex is the ex for whatever reasons, there's no blame, there's only "lessons".. so we can choose to learn so much from our heartache.. and being "polite" is a sign of self respect... and I mean "politely going no contact".. meaning, "no angry words, no verbal negative gossip", instead just get busy with your own life, and if the ex is NOT asking how you are, or asking you why you are not in contact, then the most self respecting polite thing to do is to maintain "no contact".

 

You are a lot more of a reasonable person than me.

 

I kind of like just giving them no explanation. Why should any be necessary?

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Hi again folks. And thanks for all the great incite.

 

Originally, I broke up with her(my ex). I was quite upset with her, and it was a spur of the moment thing. It wasn't more than a few weeks later, that I approached her like a gentleman, told her I'm sorry, and I would like to give us another go. She dodged the question and wouldn't give me a straight answer. This was like 6 months ago. 1 month ago, I found out she's dating a new guy, so I approached her gentlemanly and asked her in a confident, professional manner(no whining or begging), one last time for reconciliation. And if not, can I have closure. I asked her to simply tell me sorry, we're not compatible or something like that. She didn't have to say anything rude. Just politely make me understand there is no chance of us ever getting back together. So I could stop pondering it and move on. Once again she dodged the question.

 

So with this said, she hasn't shown me any respect for my feelings, and the ball was long ago moved to her court. She well knows I'd like reconciliation. She refuses to be straight with me, so I don't feel like I owe her anything. This is what's making me lean towards just going NC without giving her any heads up. I like the idea of communicating to her what's up, but I don't know that I want to, or that she deserves it.

 

Thoughts?

 

N8

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