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"i believe if a woman does something to a man, she deserves the same back"


the only time i ever condone a man or a woman reacting with more violence is in self defense - to protect from further injury or harm.


it seems to me you are rationalizing his behavior. your relationship with him sounds very unhealthy. he doesn't respect you and you both have anger issues. there may be passion between you but this is not the way love and respect feels.


you both have crossed a dangerous line - you seem to bring out the worst in each other. move on.......and work on your anger.

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he said not much about it,, just that he was sorry.. he SAID sorry.... BUT HE DIDNT ACT IT... i had to keep reminding him that he had a sore chin for a reason....


I always tend to pay more attention to a person's actions... because words are very easy to say but it's actions that back those words up and have true meaning.


but stilll i drove him to this with the way i acted... i made him so angry with me no?


Please remember that your boyfriend made a choice to cross the line and assault and batter you. He had a choice and an obligation to walk away- but instead he beat you.


Once a person crosses this line, it is almost impossible to go back- and it sounds as though this is not the first time this has happened.

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Ok, look, you WILL hear a million times that what happened is wrong. Because it is TRUE. But that isn't what is important right now.


Shake up, WAKE UP.


You have become dependent on this man. You - an obviously intelligent, capable young woman with so much going for her.


What will happen to you if you linger on this man?


-You will remain depressed.

-You will struggle to attain any personal success.

-You will remain alienated, dependent, and reinforce all the garbage thinking you have learned

-You could end up seriously injured, or even dead.

-You could end up in another horrible relationship.

-You could end up pregnant, and exposing a child to violence and abuse




The sooner you get that, the better off you'll be.


I bet you could tell me stories that would make me pee my pants. About people who were left with nothing. Who had no one to help them.


I don't know. Do you think the rest of us, in these cafe deluxe countries, aren't scared peeless too? Your ex sounds mighty priveledged. His only worry being footy. It ain't the case for all of us.


If he loved you - would it solve your problem?


Having the cops come by would have been a blessing! You could still speak with them now....or a resource center....or a woman's center.

Others in the UK would know better of what is there to offer.


Point is: You need to WAKE UP and DEAL WITH WHAT IS GOING ON NOW.


You truly do not have time to ponder every detail of this relationship, or even to spend too much time beating your own self up with blame and pity.


You need to take stock of your real situation and your resources.


Are you still living in his house?

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sorry about the swearing.. i thought it just took the swear words out...


thanks guys for your responses


im sure ill be back... soon


if you have read my other post... before... you will know that we ARE over,but that its my fault... i dont have to 'get out' of anything.. im single,, and hating it... i love him so much and hate myself for driving him to the edge.


sorry i cant see that it just not healthy im only just accepting that its over

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i am in agreement with hope75. additionally - using alcohol as yet another excuse for what he or you did is just another attempt on your part to justify very very bad behavior.


seriously - take time off from dating. find out why you abuse and tolerate abusive behavior. i imagine that the two of you likely say horrible things to each other as well.


end this cycle......get some help for your anger problems. you will be a happier person in the end.

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im not still living with him... in his ROOM.


he ended it tuesday, and i just left before he finished work. havent been back since.


i still have all my stuff there however. i will have to still collect that...


also though, i made such an effort to make our room beautiful... i painted it all.... in his favourit colors and i got nice stuff to decorate it with... i hate the fact that im now out, and i want to take back all the nice things i put in the room....is that wrong...

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sorry i cant see that it just not healthy im only just accepting that its over.


I'm not sure how you cannot recognize that a relationship where two people physically abuse one another is not healthy, but I am very glad to hear that it's over. Maybe with time, and some therapy, you will come to realize how unhealthy and dysfunctional it was.


Something tells me that you already have an idea... or you would not have posted in the first place.

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You don't need to live like this, kiama.

There's no reason for a couple to beat each other. You may accept this sort of violence, but if you continue to find it normal, you're in for a very tiresome life. You need to decide about this.


I have a friend who runs the Capetown electrical power plant, and I know it's not a backward place. I also listen to Kieno Kammies a lot from Joburg radio.

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Would you want your own future daughter to stay with a man who kicked her and beat her after he pushed her down... would you tell your own sister, daughter, friend, well you slapped him so he was right to push you down, kick you and disrespect you... NO.. you would not... nothing you described here has anything to do with healthy mature respectful love... please get some help, and do so for YOURSELF, not for him.. he's on his own self destructing path, and ONLY HE can choose to save himself....

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i just want to say one more thing. so many women cry victim in situations that they contribute to. i commend you for owning your responsibility to the abuse between you. but that does not mean that you are responsible for his actions......only your own.


take the time to get to know your feelings. why you react with anger the way you do - throwing glasses, provoking, etc. but don't carry the entire weight of this failed relationship - what he did was totally unacceptable.

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Would you want your own future daughter to stay with a man who kicked her and beat her after he pushed her down... would you tell your own sister, daughter, friend, well you slapped him so he was right to push you down, kick you and disrespect you... NO.. you would not... nothing you described here has anything to do with healthy mature respectful love... please get some help, and do so for YOURSELF, not for him.. he's on his own self destructing path, and ONLY HE can choose to save himself....


That's a good question. Think about what you would tell a friend, or your daughter, if they confided in you that their boyfriend was beating them. Would you think it was no normal then?

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this is slightly off topic and while i am female - i find it offensive to make this a gender issue.


women and men both abuse verbally and physically.


You are absolutely correct- it's an issue that is not isolated to any one gender.


I do believe that in all of my posts I pointed out that it was just at wrong of the OP to slap her boyfriend.


But since this particular situation refers to her- that's why I am asking her to think about if this was her daughter, mother, friend or sister, and if she would think it was as acceptable for them.

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i did notice that hope75. i wasn't addressing you as a poster.


i felt a slant throughout this thread so i finally had to say something - primarily because she has admitted to abusing him.


they both are abusive and they both are victims. i would guess that the cycle of abuse probably began for both of them in childhood by an emotionally and/or physically abusive parent - who could be male or female.


i think understanding that women are just as likely to abuse will help to solve the problem. it is heartwrenching - so many children suffer - and grow to be abusers themselves. stop the cycle! take responsibility for your behavior!

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yes... thats what happened.


and ive never been abusive to anyone else. i AM not like that, but he made me so angry sometimes. and i just wanted to get him to talk to me normally.


this is someone, that i disliked when i first met him. i thought he was an idiot. i got drunk one night, way back them and we ended up snogging, found out we lived a few houses away when we walked home together. i really didnt know if i liked him at all, but he was so keen on me... would do anything to see me, and i fell for him.... i was sleeping on a couch in a lounge at a friends place at the time... had nowhere to go. and 3 months after i started seeing him i ended up living with him.


id love to post my 'letter of feelings' that i wrote... but its really long and i dont know if its aloud on this site. its my whole story, and maybe then you will see why i blame myself for this all, and for his actions towards me... i can send it via private messages or whatever....


i just cant accept this all, im sorry.

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i cant eat. and i dont feel like eating, and i dont want to eat. i want to get really thin. im not fat, i just let myself go a bit... and have put on some weight.


but i want to get thin, and get some nice clothes, so that when he sees me out he thinks WOW. and hopefully then hell think twice about leaving me. i just cant bear the thought of him being with another girl. and i want to try anything to see hes made a mistake.


its the only thought that keeps me going... how to get him back...

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You need to start getting tough. This guy KICKED YOU for goodness sake.

Becasue he ended it, you are feeling rejected. That is perfectly normal.


If you cant eat (I understand that) just try small things, like a banana etc just to give you a bit of energy. Plus if you dont eat/sleep everything feels worse becasue you are tired.


You really have to start snapping out of it. You deserve better. Stop making excuses for his actions.


Try and stay strong, keep busy. Keep posting on here to make you feel better.

You will be ok. It will take time. Start worrying about you and not worrying about him

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i think you are confusing your fear of being alone with love...


you have described him as someone who lies around doing nothing but watching football, who also drinks too much, AND attacks you to the point of knocking you to the ground and kicking you like a dog.


how can this guy possible be a good partner, or someone who is really worth having in your life, other than a big useless and hostile lump you can point to and tell yourself, 'that's my man...'? he will not protect you or love you, he most likely alternates between ignoring you and abusing you...


you don't need him, you need to find yourself some therapy to understand why you would put up with such a person... there are many public services available to help people in your situation. please surf the web and find some counseling services in your area. you need friends and people you can count on to really be there for you and HELP you, not HURT you.


this guy is a loser, and your dependence on him has nothing to do with love, so please get some help so that you can discover what that really is. everyone deserves to be loved and treated right, and this guy is just a dry well and will never give you that...

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Kiama, try not to think of "him" with "another girl"... but instead start thinking of yourself on your own, and all the wonderful healing possilibities and healthy love that are out there for YOU. Even your comment about getting so thin, and having new clothes, this is not about "love".. it's about an unhealthy confused false need... and right now the best thing for you to do is to seek some therapy for yourself. Get your own emotional life in order, so you are not at the mercy of your confused unhealthy distorted emotions.. yes I know what you are "feeling is real". but it's distorted, you've lost a bit of perspective... okay? And you are worthy of a respectful, loving relationship.


Love is not about "attraction" it's about SHARING mutual values and standards in life.. it's about kindiness, respect. forgiveness, seeking understanding from BOTH OF YOU, not just YOU.


Any relationship that makes you "lose your own sense of self" is NOT an authentic, respectful, realistic, healthy love... it's not love, it's "dis-ease" taking over... and that's when self doubt, clingy-ness, depedence, indentity. are wrapped up into something "outside" of yourself, ie: this guy. those are your "feelings" not the "facts"..




This man does NOT hold the key to your validation or happiness, ONLY YOU hold that key.. once you give it away, you lose your realistic ability to attain validation and happiness, because those qualities can only come from inside yourself, no one can "supply you with those things".. it's about SHARING these qualities in a relationship NOT about "attaining them"..


it is impossible to "attain validation and happiness" from someone other than yourself.. it's NOT real, it's NOT healthy, it's NOT possible..


But what IS possible is YOU, you have the god given power and choice to get your own life in order, your own healing, your own happiness, your own self validation, all the time remembering that YOU ARE A LOVING, KIND, FOGIVING, WONDERFUL WOMAN who should be respected and cherished, first by YOUR OWN SELF, (which would mean leaving a man who behaves as he does, even if you slapped him)..


it's time for you to take back control over your own life, it's precious, don't disrepect the gift of your own life, by giving it up to someone else... that can only lead to "unfulfilled anxiety" over time, and it already has..


YOU have the power to change YOUR OWN LIFE.. and it's done one baby step at a time, by being in "acceptance" that this man will not change, and YOU are worthy of a man who is willing to cherish and respect you... so start to cherish and respect yourself, and make a plan to get away from this unstable rejecting man in a safe way... best, Blender

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I agree with other posters who think you are confusing love with fear of starting over and being alone.


A few of us asked you last night to imagine a scenario:


Your mother, daughter, sister, or a friend is being kicked and abused by a man.


What advice would you give her?


Can you answer that honestly?

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Hello Kiama,

Where is your family? your mom and dad? Do you have a good friend who can be with you now?


You want to take half the blame and although it was wrong to slap him he was very wrong to hit you back and the way he did. I'm afraid it will only get worst.


Only when you open your eyes to the truth will you be able to start healing and want better for yourself. Face what happened, stop making excuses for him. Abusive people usually tell you that you asked for it in some way, and even worst --YOU are telling yourself this.


You should never love someone more than you love yourself.


Question: Is this the first time something like this has happened to you?

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