About getting back together

[finalcloud13]

Would you guys say NC would hurt future chances of getting back together in a breakup caused by neglect, since it's kind of like reminding the ex why they broke up with you?

[Wandering_Sword]

Nope. Did you tell her that you were going NC?

[isisastaria]

That's my main fear of it, honestly. Doesn't mean I wouldn't do it tho.

[heloladies21]

You're not making any progress if you stay in touch in your current position. NC is your next step, it's just a matter of when.

[finalcloud13]

Nope. Did you tell her that you were going NC?

 

Yes, I did before, but I broke it about a week later when she messaged me.

 

I guess I'll also take this chance to ask if anyone ever got back together with an ex without doing NC/LC. In other words, by building up from friends again.

[savoie]

i don't think NC is a dumpee vs dumper issue.

 

NC is about moving past the ending of a love relationship that you are in denial about or can't let go of. for some people, NC is the healthiest thing to do for their own sanity and for the well being of the other party. some people can get rather scary when in desperate situatons.

 

if you feel you are to blame for the break up - then only you know what your chances are with your ex. however, if you are trying to manipulate your ex into believing that he or she didn't "see the real you" "i wasn't myself" blah blah blah - it won't be long before you are where you are right now - that is if he or she buys into it at all.

 

if you feel you took things for granted and neglected him or her - then acknowledge that to him or her - tell them how you feel. Listen to what they say......hushup and listen - really listen. if it is clear that it is over for them -then no more contact. if they leave the door open - then proceed with respect for yourself and for them. but be prepared to prove through consistent actions on your part - that you can be a better partner.

 

some people simply do not respect the decisions of others. rejection hurts - none of us want to be in this place. but you have to be 100% honest with yourself - did the relationship end over something trivial? or was it imcompatibility - which is a fundamental problem. are you just clinging to strings of hope or does that other person miss you in the same way?

[heloladies21]

I guess I'll also take this chance to ask if anyone ever got back together with an ex without doing NC/LC. In other words, by building up from friends again.

In cases like yours, NEVER. Search the archives, even if a relationship is started up again, it's always falls apart after a short time.

[DivaAlec]

In cases like yours, NEVER. Search the archives, even if a relationship is started up again, it's always falls apart after a short time.

 

But can you honestly say that EVERY relationship that is started up again always falls apart?

[Smith9108]

I would contact your ex in a letter.

 

In this letter, you should tell the person that you realise how you neglected them and treated them badly. Don't do this in an undignified manner, but with a tinge of humity.

 

Tell them that you are going into NC in order to heal yourslef from the monumental loss of losing them. Also, tell them that you want to take some time to improve the neglectful side of yourself. Let them know that you want to improve yourself, but that you want to do it for yourself. Tell them that you would liketo have a second chance once your ready for it, but that you at least want to eventually be friends (If you do want to be friends, that is) REassure them that you are not going NC to neglect them further, but that you want to work on yourself, so that you can be a better partner in your next relaionship (whether its with them or someone else)

 

Also let them know that, if given a second chance once you've healed, you would be willing to prove through repeated and consistant actions that you really have become a better partner.

 

With this, you would have made a mature, humble move and set up NC in a healthy way (And for good reasons) Of course, the ball would be in their court and you would have to be ready for whatever response they may make

[Wandering_Sword]

Yes, I did before, but I broke it about a week later when she messaged me.

 

I guess I'll also take this chance to ask if anyone ever got back together with an ex without doing NC/LC. In other words, by building up from friends again.

 

If you told her then go on NC. Without it, even if you reconcile you are going to blunder again and wind up at the same place. Right now you're so desperate to be back together that you don't even realize that the mistakes will be there and that whatever changes or perceptions of what was wrong with the relationship is going to crop up. You have not changed my friend, there has been no personal discovery and you think that you can make things better, just so as long as you guys are together again. That is wrong, you will kill whatever chances for reconciliation if you do not step back and look at this objectively. I understand the despair you are feeling and I'm telling you as someone who has been there, that you will make matters worse with every moment of contact.

[savoie]

i just read a few of your previous posts. i think the advice that wandering sword gave you is the right thing to do.

[finalcloud13]

Well, I e-mailed her and informed her that I am once again going on NC. I apologized for being so weak for her. I told her to please not talk to me unless it's an emergency or she wants to get back together. Told her good luck with everything and told her for the last time that I love her. I feel sad.

[in_love]

But can you honestly say that EVERY relationship that is started up again always falls apart?

 

I think he is MAYBE saying if the reasons why the break-up happened are NOT sorted then it will fall apart again.

 

Its a hard task to change yourself. We can all "briefly" change ourselves to become what THEY want but is it truly a change for good?