Desperate for serious advice

[makeupgrl99]

I'm at a breaking point where I just don't know what to do, so I decided to come here desperate for some honest good advice.

 

This will be a long post so please grab some snacks before hand. And I apologize but please PLEASE help me

 

Over 3 years ago I met this guy*Ed who stole my heart. We started off as just buddies, but then it escalated into more but nothing serious. We would see eachother on and off with taking few breaks for couple months. After about two yrs I got back with my ex fiance because our breakup didn't leave any closure, and I wanted to see if there really wasn't any chance between us. My parents would pressure me to get married and well since he was my fiance, I thought it would be right to give one more chance to our relationship and try the serious thing. So I told *Ed that I have to get back with my ex fiance to try our relationship one last time for the sake of having closure and to make my family think more of me. *Ed was very supportive of me, but told me that he was beginning to fall for me.

 

Silly me still went back with my ex fiance. My fiance and I lasted for six months. After few months of us being together, things went really sour, really fast. I put my heart and soul into that relationship to make it work, I literally put my whole heart into it in hopes of finally securing my future, but unfortunately it didnt happen that way. We fought ALL the time, he would talk down on me and totally ruined my self esteem. I felt like I got fooled for giving him one more chance. One day we got into a huge fight because I found out he lied to me about another female, it started of as a pity argument but it escalated into this huge thing. He broke up with me OVER AIM. no matter how much I begged for him to give us a chance, he refused, talked down on me again, made me feel like it was all my fault, and told me I should've never went back with him.

 

After that I am not the same person I was before. I'm no longer ever happy, I get upset over the most insignificant things. I don't know why, my feelings for my ex fiance totally diminished, I no longer feel like I need him, nor do I want him to ever cross path with me again. In a way I actually think I have forgiven him for hurting me....but I do know that he changed me, and not in a good way. Its been over a year since me and him broke up, yet I'm still not the cheery, happy go lucky girl I used to be. ANd I do NOT wish to have him back, which is why I don't know why I'm such a different person (by the way I'm not the only one that thinks I changed, my family says the same thing).

 

Back to *Ed, after my fiance and I broke up, Ed was there for me. He would take me out, show me a good time, give me lots of attention, was always there for me, was soo sweet to me, something I have not had for a long time.

He is completely opposite of my ex fiance and I love it. He is what every girl wants her bf to be. Ed and I have been dating solid for a yr now, yes we have had our fights and arguments, but don't all couples? We talk about marriage, how we want babies and a house and all that corny stuff. Basically I'll say our relationship has been very serious. But I keep causing arguments between us because of my jelous insecure streak. I can't stop. I need attention all the time (I think its cuz of my previous relationship), I tried many times to be the confident gf who never gets jelous or anything but it just doesnt work.

 

Last summer I met this guy name *Joe, our personalities are so alike which is why we get along great. I met him thru friends of mine and we would hang out once in a while. Yes I am attracted to Joe, yes I would IF I WAS SINGLE probably hope for more then a friendship from him, but nothing has ever happened between us besides maybe some flirtations. My bf found out thru our mutual friends about Joe, for some reason everyone around the town told him that me and Joe have more then friendship going on which is where my my current problem started. I stopped hanging out with Joe for the sake of my relationship, but I still kept somewhat in touch with him, just little conversations here and there online or something. Nothing big deal at all. My bf became very insecure about it, once in a while he would catch me chatting with Joe online and would get very angry, thinking that we have something going on when in fact we were just catching up on stupid conversations.

 

About a week ago my bf and I got into a huge HUGE fight, he called me a name he shouldn't have ( W**re) and I got very VERY upset. I told him I need a break, I can't deal with this drama, I want some time to myself, to go out with my friends and not worry if my bf will get mad if I do that. We cried, we argued some more. Last wknd I saw Joe at a bar and we had an awsome time, nothing happened, we were just hanging out like old times. My bf found out about this and now he thinks that I wanted a break to hook up with Joe. No matter how much I deny it, it doesn't matter. He is convinced.

 

I don't know how to fix this situation. Part of me wants to be back with my bf Ed, he is amazing, I always pictured my future with him. But there is another part of me that wants to hang out with Joe without any drama. I just want to have fun. I'm sooo confused. Why do I feel this way? Why am I always stuck between two ppl unintentionally. How do I fix it? How do I decide what I want? How do I get my relationship with Ed to what it was in the beginning-a very healthy, happy relationship?

 

Someone Please tell me something to fix this, to guide me in the right direction. My mind tells me I should be single for a while, just to solve my wild oats, but my heart tells me I belong to Ed. I can't stop crying and thinking that I just ruined my life because of my selfish actions. I feel like a huge part of me is missing since Ed and I broke up. Literally I feel like I just tore my heart to pieces, it hurts.

 

Please advice

 

and thank you for reading this ridiculous long post but I just feel like I needed to let all my feelings out on this for the complete picture.

[Beyondthesea]

Whoa darling. Honestly, here is my opinion...

 

You need counseling to get over your past issues so you can have a good relationship with anyone.

 

My questions...why is Ed so insecure about your relationship with Joe? Is he possessive of you? If he's so amazing what were you fighting about that he'd call you a wh**e?

 

I think you should be single a while personally, but even if you do go back to Ed, you need counseling to deal with all the issues that are arising.

[isisastaria]

Oh, sweetheart...go ahead and cry if it helps. Just remember to think good thoughts and laugh too right now, K?

 

I think you first of all need to ask yourself if the guy you're with now is treating you right. I don't think calliing you a *ahem* is good at all. That can only get worse. Why would you put up with that? People fight...that's normal. But cutting down your self esteem is only normal for really sick people (sorry).

 

Just ask your heart. What is your heart trying to tell you? Go look at some of your baby pics/old school pics and ask yourself what you want for that little girl's future.

 

Let us know how things are!!!

*HUGS*

[crimson k.]

it kind of disturbs me, in the beginning where you said you dropped this new guy(ed) to go back to your ex because you were wondering what had happened between you two and because your parents wanted to see you married. I think your bf has the right to become upset with you about Joe, you admitted that you would want to be be with him if you were single, except this Ed guy is holding you back. Yeah, youre personalities match, but i thought ed was sweet, supportive and showed took you out. based on what i read you sound exactly like my ex gf. My ex gf left me because she wanted attention, i gave her plenty of attention verbally and physically. I have the feeling you kind of want both worlds, but to me that doesnt seem right. My gf lied to me when she went out with this guy from work and he ended up becomeing her bf in two weeks. why? i found out from her friends that i was "controlling" and i wouldnt let her be "free". i dont thin any guy in their right mind let their wife/gf hang out with another guy unless they knew that person was emotionally strong. my ex gf, is an attention seeker and she is very insecure and emotionally unstable. if i were you id focus more on the bigger picture than whats happening now, you know i could give you so many angles in which to look at this: here are two, break up with Ed and just go out and have fun with your friends whether they are guys or girls. yeah, you wont have the EMOTIONAL support from Ed when you get home, but im sure you can develop this with a close friend whether Joe or a female friend. Second choice: Understand that going out with another guy makes Ed uneasy, would you let Ed go out with another woman? you say you have an insecurity problem and i bet that would bother you, try to see it from his view. Tell Joe,"im sorry but i respect how my bf feels about you" . wouldnt you want to have fun and go out with your bf than another guy? also, if you know in your heart that you wont fall into temptation with him, whether it be kissing or worse, try to convince Ed to show him you are strong. if he suspects you are weak emotionally he will feel uncomfortable, also what is scary is that you would want to be with Joe, if Ed wasnt your bf, you kind of have a desire for another person. I bet that would break his heart if he knew that. Maybe a third option is to not be with both and just really think about who you might hurt, who will be happy. my gf was like you and i really tried my best to keep her, but her desires to have fun overpowered her reasoning to have a good relationship with me. i never called her a * * * * *, but as of now i think of her as one because she was talking to this guy at her work and i found out she was dating him.just take some time off, if you want to go out and have fun maybe you should be single. Take care and i hope you make the right decisions without hurting Ed. hope he said he was sorry. if Ed is really into you, you shouldnt have to worry about anything, you have someone that really loves you. I played a huge impact on my ex gf life and she still cheated on me because of her desire to be free, even though we always went out and had our own good times. be careful.

[EmotionalCreature]

It's hard to totally understand anyone's situation because we're not them. I am not trying to judge you but it looks like you jump from one ship to another.

 

You admitted it yourself that you get upset easily and cause arguments from insignificant things. There is no such thing as trouble-free relationship, well maybe there is and I've never seen one.

 

I've seen some women who said they are so happy with someone else that's not in a relationship with them, and being with someone who are so nice to the point that those men don't want anything from them. From a man's point of view, that's possible because they have nothing to lose, they are not yet emotionally bonded and have gone through hot and cold with those women. No happy and painful past to cherish, that is why it's so easy for them to 'want nothing from you' or act as if they don't want anything from you.

 

Being in a relationship means you have to communicate, trust, understand and compromise. If you don't want to compromise the relationship won't last, it might, until the euphoria and romanticism runs out. What if you leave Ed to be with Joe and you guys start arguing? Jump to another ship again until you find someone that will put up with your crap?

 

Maybe Ed is angry because you do things that may send a wrong signal to Joe (or other men) that you have feelings for them, the feeling of risk alone of losing someone he loves could cause such anger.

 

You seem quite immature with your decisions and not very good at putting yourself in your partner(s) shoes.

 

I agree with Crimson K, and Crimsom K for your information, I too was labeled 'controlling' though in a different context, I never meant to do that.

 

Like Crimson K said, if you want fun in terms of sex or flirting, be single. Stringing someone along is one of the most painful and cruelest experience you can give to a man. I really wish you would have already learned some of these things from your past relationship, don't just let it all be a waste of time, learn from it.

 

We're all human beings with hearts and feelings, not just the women that has feelings. Apology if I don't make you feel like I pat your back and kiss your forehead, I just feel you need to see the reality and who you're really hurting. Ed might meet an amazing woman tomorrow and move on and he will be happy, while you're out there seeking a 'trouble-free' relationships that may not even exist.