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I'm looking for some third party advice and suggestions ... Here's my story:


the short version ... two girls ... B and K ...


B is my ex from a 2 yr LDR, 10 years younger, lives in another state, just finished college. I am still very much in love with B - she was the first and only person I've thought about marriage and a family with. We broke up because she was more consumed with figuring out her life after college, trying to find a job, and wanting to enjoy her last semester of college (even if it meant giving friends more attention than me). The end came when she was supposed to come down to visit and didn't get on three separate flights within 4 days - she said she just couldn't do it and wasn't ready (even though we had seen each other almost ever other weekend for the past two years). I find her attractive physically as she isn't too feminine or masculine.


K is local, around my age, farther along in life. Treats me like a princess but I don't have the same fiery passion that I did with B (I don't have the same physical attraction to her - she isn't unattractive but she also isn't what I pictured myself in a relationship with - K is very masculine). However, she treats me better than any other girl ever has and openly shows me how much she loves and cares about me. K and I started dating and seeing each other immediately after B didn't get on those flights. Part of me really enjoyed getting the attention and K and I are very compatible people and were good friends prior to this.


B has worked through her issues, has a job, is more settled in the real-life versus college life and realized that I am still her love. She wants me back, said she would move for me, said that I'm the only one she can picture herself with. K wants a future with me as well ...


So my question is - do I take the safe route with K who is probably more stable due to her age and maturity, who is local, who treats me like gold, but who doesn't fire me up or meet the physical appearance that i want? Or do I follow my heart and risk more heartache with an LDR who is still 10 years younger than me, but who I find a lot more physically attractive? Plus she is someone I can see myself marrying and having kids with (a lot more than K)!


Or do I need to lock myself in a dark room and figure out what I really really want? I don't want to pass up the 'good girl' like you see in so many movies and K is definitely a GOOD GIRL! She is intelligent, doesn't fight my ego, and fun to be around. B is also intelligent and fun to be around, but our egos clash as both of us are typical fire signs (aries and leo).


I'll take anything at this point ... guidance is appreciated!

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If you can't choose between them, maybe you shouldn't be with either of them.


Take a break from them both for a while and see how you feel about it.


I don't know if B will ever follow through on her plans to see you, but I don't think you should be in a relationship with K. Does she know you feel this way?

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No, K does not know how I feel ... my closest friends tell me how good K is for me, how good she treats me, how much happier I am now that the drama with B is over (they don't know that B and I have talked nor do they realize how much more in love I was with B) ...


My biggest fear is being one of those girls that passes up a good thing right in front of her eyes ... being the one that lets the good girls get away ... I've seen girls do that so many times and it frustrates me to the point where I don't want to do it myself ... my head knows that K is better for me ... my heart wants B

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Regardless of whether you get with B, I would seriously reconsider the relationship with K. Don't think about what your friends say, the facts are that you have been speaking to and making plans with your ex behind her back.


That's not a good sign.


Don't stay with someone because you think it's better intellectually.

No matter how worried you are about passing up the "good girl", if you aren't content to be with them, you're never going to be truly happy.

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Well, a friend of mine is in the same situation. She doesn't know if she should pick one guy or the other. I have been in the same situation. Thing is, you already know. Stop and breathe...close your eyes and you will see. Your intuition is so strong. It's powerful. So USE it! I told my friend she already knew. I asked her which one. She gave an immediate answer. It was INSTANT!


I think you know who you want deep down. I think this is just feeling bad for hurting one. I think it's your conscience. Which is great. Picking one doesn't mean you stop loving or caring about the other.


Good luck with EVERYTHING in your life. I wish you happiness and love, good, positivity and prosperity.

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Going with pure instinct (i.e. my heart) it screams B ... but B and I have some major scars that need to heal ...


She lied to me on more than one occasion which didn't settle well with me ..


Right before the breakup she was at a party with friends and didn't answer my phone call to make sure she got home safely for over 2 hours (leaving me to worry about her and not being able to sleep) - when she did finally answer her phone around 5 am she lied to me about why she didn't answer. Eventually she fessed up to her screw ups that night, but I'm still not over what she did to me and how she discounted my feelings. She said wanted to have a good night out with the friends - I didn't think it needed to be done that way! I'm still very angry with her about this.


We didn't see each other for the entire month of December despite having booked flights - she said she didn't want to come down with her head messed up. At the end of december, she booked the three flights that she didn't get on - most of which she told me within an hour of them taking off.


My heart wants B but how do I heal from all that she has done to me ... when I think back to what happened I get so upset and angry towards her ... she hurt me so badly and I know that some wounds take a long time to heal ...


Is it better to fix a broken bike or go get a new one?

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Not trying to be rude, but... Why are you even asking?


So my question is - do I take the safe route with K who is probably more stable due to her age and maturity, who is local, who treats me like gold, but who doesn't fire me up or meet the physical appearance that i want? Or do I follow my heart and risk more heartache with an LDR who is still 10 years younger than me, but who I find a lot more physically attractive? Plus she is someone I can see myself marrying and having kids with (a lot more than K)!



That is a BIG no. No, in fact it is not a big no, it is a HUGE no. If at this point you don't feel attracted phisically to her, it won't get any better with the time.


Unless you can say without doubt that a life with no physical intimacy would be fine to you, then it is a no go.


So, if the previous point takes "K" out of the picture, only "B" is left.




Somehow I suspect you already know that, but I can't figure out what is the answer you are looking for. Looks to me that you want to convince yourself to stay with "K" and that "B" is not as much of your ideal partner as you pictured her.



Remember to keep in mind the option "S", s as in single, so you can find a girl that:


- Does not involve a LDR

- Is not 10 years younger than you

- Does not have a conflicting ego

- You are attracted to physically, and feel that "spark"

- You can see yourself with for a long time

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I think the appearance thing is more complicated in that I can have a sexual relationship with K - I'm not repulsed by her ... but since she is more masculine, I don't feel as comfortable with her in public ... maybe I'm just being shallow here - in fact, I'm certain that with K it is more about worrying what others would view her as ...


She is quite a beautiful person inside which makes her attractive to me - but there is the image factor ...


If I had absolutely no attraction to K I think it would be easier, but I fear that it is more of me wanting to be with someone who is more accepted physically than not ... and B is more accepted.

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Being able to have sex with someone is an entirely different thing to being compatible and satisfied.


Sex has a lot of physical factors involved, as it is a natural function. So if you find someone you are not repulsed to, you've find yourself someone to relieve your sexual needs with. However, relieving those needs is not the same as building a sexual relationship that can keep going and get that flame going as the time goes by.


You said so in your first post, so with your last post you only made it worse, as now it is not only the fact that you don't feel that urge and passion to have sex with her, but you also don't feel comfortable being seen with her.



At this point, where you are both "happy" with each other you can deal with that. But imagine a situation when you are going somewhere and you argue on your way there, can you see how that would only add to the situation? You would arrive, you are upset about the argument, and you also don't feel comfortable being seen with her. To me that doesn't sound good.


How will things be in bed after you get used to each other and routine and boredom enter into your life? That is something unavoidable, even with someone you are really attracted to, at some point you have to put effort into it to avoid it from becoming part of a routine. So if you weren't passionate about her physically to begin with, that would only make things worse in the end.



I get this little notion that you may be pressuring yourself into a relationship.

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I think that you got a third option. How about taking none and see to what it leads and then pick either B or K a month or and a half later (50days) ?


Otherwise, I believe that for two good reasons, you should pick K. The first one is from my personal opinion: To follow liers is insane and it is not a good choice. My second one is about a morale of life. "Move on." You are up to the part where K is in the scene, not B.

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It sounds like you and K have something good, however, you say the physical attraction and chemistry is not there for sex. Sounds more like a good friend than a lover to me.


You really have to follow your heart on this one. The longer you sit on the fence, the more you are going to hurt everyone involved, probably K and she doesn't deserve that.


However, B hurt you in the past and seems to have a problem with commitment, at least with you.


You have to take risks in life even if it means your heart potentially breaking in the near future. It really sounds like you want to be with B, but are afraid to hurt K and are afraid of getting hurt by B. Just be with B and see what happens. You will never know...

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Hey OJ,


You could most likely grow to love K, but is that what you want to do?

You're realtionship with B has some things that will need to be worked out..

it depends on how honest you are both willing to be, and how hard you both want it to work.

I kind of agree with some of the others, is there a third option? Maybe just chill for a bit and see what happens, do you feel you need to commit one way or the other right now?

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  • 1 year later...

Searching the web, looking for pieces of wisdom and advice scattered through the seemingly endless lines of text and personal expression found in countless forums and I stumbled accross this thread...


I am a str8 male, involved in a hard/difficult choice in life.


I was engaged, and we split, since then we have both worked on ourselves and our personal issues. During this time of reflection I met a new person, who is wonderful, but not my perfect complement (if there is such a thing). Recently, my ex came back and wants to re-explore and see if we can really have what we both believe we are capable off.... What do I do? Who do I choose? Either way I hurt someone …


Anyway, I feel my situation is somewhat similar to the poster of this thread. I hope she was wise enough to listen to all of you.


I wonder what she has chosen.


This thread, with the words and thoughts many of you have shared and expressed transcend sexual identity and preference. (I see this is the GLB&T forum). They are helping me explore my feelings and how to navigate my way through this choice in my life.


I thank you for your advice and wisdom; though not intend for me, I listened to them none the less.

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  • 3 years later...

Life is a chain with an endless number of rings. None is indispensable, yet all important. Neither one is perfect, yet we must choose one to connect our chain together. But to choose it, we must first find it within ourselves and ask God for guidance. Instead of expecting perfection, which will never occur, before assembling, we must decide which one of all rings will beatify it the most, so we can put it in front, as only so we can display our chain with pride. But so much attributes do we expect from that ring that seldom do we find it within our chain, and the higher our desire of exclusivity, the more imperative is the expansion of our search. But it’s the chain of our lives, so it deserves the best of us to put it together, and usually, the deeper we had to go to track that ring down, the more value the chain of our lives will have on us. Fausto Gil

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