help me

[kiama]

my bf just ended things on monday. i had become too much to handle.... been tog 2 and half years. i developed depression over the last year of our relationship and my whole personality changed. im waiting for paperwork to be done so i can get my uk passport (its taken 3 years already) - thats a long story...

 

so since weve been together hes supported me entirely, i cant work til i get this passport, so had no money, do nothing all day, and live in his bedroom... it got me depressed. i changed, became so different, got insecure so found it hard to trust him and always questioned him. became controlling, totally sufforcated him, but he was all i had and i was entirely dependant on him. it pushed him over the edge. i NEVER told him about the depression however - was too ashamed, and believed i could get over it on my own.

 

he said that for months now he has just lied to himself and told himself that we would work, and that it didnt. he said he just didnt want to tell me cos it would hurt my feelings. weve split a good few times before, but i said i would change and we tried again. thing is i couldnt change without medicin so we were going round in circles.i understand that i made him miserable but this time round i have a solution and know the only way things will be different is if i get medical help.

 

but he wont here it. is this because he so doubts ill ever change? ive now told him about the depression and how it altered my ways etc, but he says its not me.. its him not wanting to be with me. he says hes not happy with me. WE WERE PERFECT AND HE LOVED ME UNCONDITIONALLY BEFORE THE DEPRESSION GOT TO ME. so how can he just not see iv a solution to the problem now. he says he just wants to be single, have his freedom back. i asked if we could talk about trying again when my circumstances change, and he says he doubts it.

 

im so lost.how can he just be over me like that.could deep down in his heart he believes we could work out and that he just has to maybe SEE a change in me first. he reckons he will be 99% happy in a month. im so devastated. Im 26 hes 23....

 

he said he wanted to marry me and that i was the best thing that had ever happened to him... and he meant it when he said it, so can it be possible to just forget those feelings.

 

he says im being selfish. hes being very blunt about everything and is acting like hes getting on fine. was making jokes during our msn messenger chat...saying he was so exited about going away next week (hes just booked it). Is he rebelling against me now? Doing everything that i wouldnt let him do without me.... is this a phase? or is this a dead end? i want to think that when i get my passport, a job, earn money and buy a house, he could visit and see how well ive done, and we could give it a go.. i really am hoping that.

 

is it possible for someone to break up with someone, and give them a chance in the future, is it likely in my case?

 

i just cant leave him. i just cant do it. i need a way to get him back and prove how with medication things would be different...

 

:sad: :sad: :sad:

 

we live in a very small area, and i will alway see him out. is there a way i can behave to make him see what hes missing? would getting a makeover - and dressing to kill have ANY effect.....

 

oh my god this is the end

[isisastaria]

Can you look at this as an OPPORTUNITY rather than "the end"? I know that seems hard right now. But look...and I mean ...truly look at your life. Your brain/body was just telling you that something was wrong. Your body has been telling you that this wasn't healthy for you.

 

It sounds like a nightmare.

 

Please look at what you can do for yourself. Once you get your citizenship, you can get a job, yes...but what have you been doing aside from that? Can you go meet people? Find things you like to do?

 

Excercise!!! You can go for a run, can't you? They can't stop you from doing that! READ BOOKS! Get involved in YOUR life. Depression is just a warning from your body. That is what it's supposed to do. GET OUT THERE! DO NOT think negatively! Don't think of a relationship until your head is straight. Until then, you can't be in a good relationship. That's just a fact

[BeStrongBeHappy]

First, i think you need someone who will stick by you no matter what, and be understanding of a problem and try to work on it with you. but he does not seem to want that.

 

And people do break up for all kinds of reasons, and his reason for leaving may not be your depression. He is young, and maybe he has decided he just wants to be free and not in a relationship, he may have made that decision if freedom is what he wants.

 

I think you really have to go about the business of getting yourself better as your first priority, not trying to get him back. your own health is so important, and if he is being callous and uncaring, you need to surround yourself with people who will buoy you up, not make you feel badly.

 

Please continue with getting your treatment and recognize that regardless of what you do, he may not want to be in a relationship, and your depression is probably not the cause of that, just something he wants for himself. If he does get out on his own without you, maybe he will realize he misses you, but don't focus on that, focus on getting well.

[isisastaria]

I think you only got two responses because new posts kicked yours off pretty quickly. It's good you started a new one. Get on with your life! You'll see him, who cares? Just find someone who can love you when you're back on your feet!

[pearlylove]

Damn, our situations seem pretty much exact!! Except 1) my relationship lasted a year and a half and 2)I had depression from the very start. i had just gotten out of seeing a really good psychologist and when things were going so well for me i went off the medicne. after that 3 months of happiness things pretty much went down the drain. my depression got the best of me till my friends made me live after i attempted to drink myself to death. i thank them so much for making me NOT go to some suicidal center, but letting me try to fix things on my own. well i wasnt actually trying until now, and that's what I wanna tell you.

 

This breakup has really, REALLY pushed me to get better. Like you, things were PERFECT before that nice D-word creaped in on me. So, i dunno if while you had depression, you were relying on him at all to help you feel better. I know i did. Anyway, i'm trying to tell you that this break up can really be the best thing for you (and me) right now. it is truly giving us the motivation to get better for the hope that maybe he'll see when we're better and wanna give it another shot though.

 

ths is gonna sound like the worst thing in the world to do, but NC really is a good way to go for now since we are bound to do thngs based on our emotions that are gonna push them further away then we want them to be (i just initiated it this past thursday). it'll force you to learn how to be dependent on yourself ONLY and as long as you let him know it's not permanent...maybe when things are settled down and you can look at him without your heart breaking, then...he may see that you are doing better. but honestly..it might help you to not even expect or hope for that right now. that way if down the line someone better comes around you wont pass them by or if thngs dont end up workng out with you and this past boyfriend you wont get even more down.

 

hope this helps a bit, i just thought it was amazing that our situations are so alike. keep posting. i'd love to have more conversations about this.

[kiama]

pearlylove.. thank you, ive sent you what i wrote down and sent him to your private messages. its LONG im sorry, but you seem interested... other guys, its not private, ill send it to anyone whos interested.... just let me know, i didnt wanna post it cos its pretty long and that may just put people off reading it....

 

i was relying on him to help me... so much. i was just waiting for support but never got it. and maybe that caused my extreme actions, i was TRYING to get a reaction out of him, except that backfired and i got the wrong reaction. instead of him TALKING to me like i wanted, he got mad at me...

 

atleast you are feeling like the break up is a good thing... im not... i know it isnt. and i know he truly loves me, even though hes now saying hes not interested. im sure of it, but then why is he being so mean to me... i have texted and he wont reply.

 

i was hoping that hed go out last night and get drunk and emotional and send me a message, but he didnt. i cant help thinking that he had a great time, and that he was playing the field.