Romantic gestures

[annalise23]

Hi

 

I feel so

 

I broke it off with my boyf on wednesday. Its a long story, but mainly we argue a lot and he has some issues from his past which makes him very argumentative.

 

I really believed (and kind of still do) that this is the best thing to do.

 

However since yesterday, I have been bombarded with texts messages (all saying wonderful thoughtful things) and finally last night i came home to flowers and a card where he poured himself out more.

 

He has also bought a puppy, as he knew I really wanted one.

 

So, as a result it has sent my head and heart on a rollercoaster!!

 

 

Its so hard. How do you push someone away when they are doing this? I have to though, as the relationship was not good. It is now we are broken up he is saying all the right things. This cycle of breaking up and getting back is all we have done and it kills me more and moe each time.

 

He wants one more chance. There have been a few chances now in 6 months. Surely enough is enough. As much as he does these nice things, how on earth can they change this man. Next week will be the same, argue fight break up. Its all i have known with him.

 

 

I guess I just need reassurance its the right thing, to give in to the pain is too easy now.

 

Im so if he was not doing all this effort now, i would be ok.

[J6hn]

Did he ever used to do this?

Maybe he's actually put some effort into reflecting on himself. Perhaps he is willing to change for you as he's analysed his errors.

 

If you truly want to just forget him, tell him exactly what you feel. Then do NC.

[Batya33]

if you truly believe he is argumentative "because of his past" then I would seriously consider staying without him. He chooses to be argumentative and/or chooses not to work on that problem of his. That won't change in the least - and likely will get worse -- unless he chooses to work on that.

[annalise23]

He has told me there is a reason he is like he is.

He wants to work on it.

 

I have heard it before. I want to just run to him and help him. But i cant. i have done so many times. Nothing changes. he always wants one more chance.

 

Im hurting so much. i cant go back, its not the right thing for me, or him. He can do all these gestures now, but why not before. When in the relationship?

 

I just need reassuring to follow my initial feeling instead of being weighed down with guilt becasue of the nice things he is doing now.

[Stari]

Hi there,

 

Your situation sounds all too familiar.

 

So, as a result it has sent my head and heart on a rollercoaster!!

My ex mentioned that the back and forward made her exhausted.

 

How do you push someone away when they are doing this?

Do not respond to him. Do No Contact.

 

Try not to feel bad for doing NC. You don't wish him bad things in life.

 

You recognise that there were good things about your ex; Otherwise you wouldn't have gotten back a second time. But being a good match in some aspects might not be enough when other things are lacking.

You are right, a good match will not put you on a roller-coaster.

 

It's a past chapter for you.

[annalise23]

Thank you

 

I feel sick and upset.

He says he has soemthing he wished he would have told me that would make me understand why is he is like he is. But ven if he does tell me, it wont change the way is he towards me. I think it will take him a long time to sort himself out and he should probably do it single.

[Batya33]

He has told me there is a reason he is like he is.

He wants to work on it.

 

I have heard it before. I want to just run to him and help him. But i cant. i have done so many times. Nothing changes. he always wants one more chance.

 

Im hurting so much. i cant go back, its not the right thing for me, or him. He can do all these gestures now, but why not before. When in the relationship?

 

I just need reassuring to follow my initial feeling instead of being weighed down with guilt becasue of the nice things he is doing now.

 

"wants to work on it' and "working on it" are two different things. He had time to buy you all those things but - hmmmm - no time to look for a good counselor or therapist?

 

He is not doing nice things. Since when is it nice to treat someone badly and then try to win her back by buying little trinkets?

[annalise23]

THAT is a good point, why treat me bad then win me back with all these presents.

 

He needs to work on himself. If i went back it would be out of guilt. And his issues will still be there, only i will know about them. And then if we argue it will be his defense when he says and does nasty things. If anything me knowing would make the situation worse? Because I would be mean if i fought with him knowing he is like he is. Make sense?

 

If I know why he is so defensive and angry, then great. But what would change? Nothing. Except i would start making more excuses for his behavior. As i keep doing now.

thanks for the advice it has helped me!!!

[Beyondthesea]

I have heard it before. I want to just run to him and help him. But i cant. i have done so many times. Nothing changes. he always wants one more chance.

 

I've been there too, with all the presents and promises as well, and you know what? You've answered your own question...he never changes.

 

It sounds like he is abusive to you actually...defensive and angry, then great. He has you on a rollercoaster and that's why you are so confused and wanting to reconsider.

 

If you ever have to make excuses for someone else's behavior, it's them who has the problem, not you.

 

link removed Go to "articles" then read "identifying losers in relationships." This is actually a valid site maintained and created by a psychologist. Go and read that article and be safe

[annalise23]

Thanks I will reade that article!

 

I think whats eating me up most is guilt. That I should be trying to help him and listen to what his issues are from the past. But I keep drumming it into my head 'it makes no difference, he wont change. Not for a long time anyway'

 

He is 33. I think at that age change is going to take alot of work!!! He is set in his ways. He has even told me that.

 

 

Last time i got promise note, which again said all these promises as to how he would treat me. That was about 6 weeks ago. And here i am again.

 

Its funny because when write on here I say it exactly as it is. But when im talking in my head (not in an insane way, but my own thoughts) I make excuses and try to find away to work it out with him. Writing it down is much easier!!

[annalise23]

Should i feel guilty for not helping him, listening to his issues?

[Beyondthesea]

Honey go read that article. You are feeling guilty because he has manipulated you and you are confused now that you are 'free.'

 

You have no reason to be dealing with him or his issues. That is something he has to deal with himself.

 

100% no contact. Change your phone number and email address if you have to. I had to do that, and even had to change the locks on my place.

 

When you're dealing with someone manipulative, it's not as easy as walking away from a normal relationship. They find ways to get to you, the way he is doing now.

 

Every time you talk to him is another chance for him to manipulate you. Do not talk to him anymore, do not deal with him anymore. As soon as you do this, within about 2 weeks you will feel like a different person, I promise you.

 

I truly believe you should go for a few counseling sessions to sort things out...

[Beyondthesea]

P.S.

 

I know your situation, I've been there myself. It was horrible! I didn't know what to do. He said he had to talk to me as he had no one else. Well, everytime he talked to me, all that would happen was the blame game would start, manipulation would start, and I'd get off the phone feeling insane and waves of pain and guilt would hit me over and over again.

 

Yeah. Nope. Not the way to go.

 

If I had to deal with it again, I would have done 100% no contact immediately.

[annalise23]

I have even bee considering that. I have just been reading that article the bit about the break up panic really hit home. I have never experienced a break up like this, it is so intense!

 

I have told him no more contact, thanks for the gestures but it cant be anymore. He has said ok so fingers crossed he means it. Otherwise I will have to start getting tougher and start spelling it out to him a little stronger.

 

I just want to stop feeling guilty, feeling like Im giving up on him, which is all he has experienced all his life. I have tried and tried. I am worn out!

 

My mum is taking me out in a minute to a theme park to keep me occupied and at least help me smile!

 

Thanks for your advice and for that site, it is really good!

[Beyondthesea]

That's the thing...it's not you who has to deal with him. HE does. You're feeling guilty because that's what he has told you...everyone gives up on him. What that really means, is that his behavior is so outlandish that people realize it's his problem not theirs...he wants someone to 'fix everything' for him. Sorry, welcome to life dude. Fix it yourself! No one fixed me when I was going off the deep end but me!!!

 

Go out and have fun. And refuse all contact with him.

 

And PM me anytime, I've been there babe. It was the worst time of my life, and I made it through laughing on the other side...and so will you.

 

Many blessings...

[annalise23]

The NC thing is a must now, as i do ok until i hear off him and commuincate.

I just want to be abe to get on with it, not have him tell me all these things about how hes sorrry and how he will change.

 

It is nice to see someone who has been in this situation and come out the other side!

 

 

[annalise23]

Thank you thank you!! I will pm you and let you know how im doing. I am going through with the break up, I just hope it isnt 100 times harder by his gestures.

 

I have stopped crying and even feel a little better. The sick feeling is fading! Thanks to you

[Beyondthesea]

Have a good day and talk to you soon

 

Just remember that if he was going to change, he would have done it. That's the 100% truth.