What do I do now?

[KrashBurn224]

My ex left me back in early December. We stayed in decent contact on-and-off over the first month or so after the split. Several times early on where I did the old beg, plead & promise routine... that of course, resulted in only pushing her further away from me.

 

Shortly after New Years, I decided the best thing to do was to distance myself from her (basically, no contact, but we do somewhat work together so it wasn't entirely possible), work on improving all facets of my life (emotional, mental, physical, spiritual, etc.), and to move on the best I could while still maintaining some hope that we could reconcile.

 

I made tremendous strides in my self improvement. I'm in the best shape I've been in in probably 10+ years, I've gone out on dates with several women, I've gotten back into regularly attending church, I've reconnected and spend a lot of time with many friends...

 

But most of all, the last few weeks I've noticed much more attention being paid to me by my ex! Ultimately, this was my intended plan and my biggest hope... and it seemed to be working.

 

So, I asked her out and we had our first date last Saturday... approximately 2.5 months since the break up. We had an amazing time... I mean it was fabulous, beyond words, almost magical.

 

We had a great dinner, amazing conversation, talked through some of the issues of the past and really felt like we put them to rest. We talked about how we've been and how we are still attracted to each other. To cap it all off, we spent the night together and enjoyed each other sexually.

 

Now it's Friday, almost a week later, and I have no clue where we stand or really how to proceed. We did drink during the date, and there are definitely some parts of the night that are fuzzy and/or blank for me. I'm actually somewhat embarrassed to bring that up to her, as in the few conversations we had about the date, she seems to recall everything quite clearly.

 

We did a lunch date yesterday, and it seemed a little weird to me. We've talked positively about the date evening, but neither of us has mentioned anything about the sex, nor have we directly said anything about where we stand with each other or how to proceed next.

 

She seemed fine throughout the lunch, so I feel a lot of it is me putting stress and pressure on myself. I certainly don't want to put any on her, but I also want to know if we're really heading down a path towards reconciliation. She's not the type to sleep around. We've both dated other people since the split... and I'm the only one that got intimate with anyone else. I think, for both of us, sex is a pretty sacred thing that isn't taken lightly... so I'm confused by the lack of discussion around it. Namely on her behalf.

 

Is it possible she's just as scared to bring it up as I am?

 

Am I suppose to just keep playing it cool and rolling with the punches until she starts making the definitive moves towards reconciliation?

 

This is harder then I expected. I truly love this woman and want us to have a future together. Unfortunately, we did split up once already and second chances are hard to come by... I don't want to mess this up...

 

What's a guy to do in such a situation???

[Locke2121]

Hmm, it may have been a tad early for sex. You need to pull back just a bit. Let her know that your interested in a good time, but that you have your own life to live, and that it takes precedent.

 

And don't just let her know it, believe it yourself.

[KrashBurn224]

Hmm, it may have been a tad early for sex. You need to pull back just a bit. Let her know that your interested in a good time, but that you have your own life to live, and that it takes precedent.

 

And don't just let her know it, believe it yourself.

 

A tad early? Man, I'm thinking like a month or two early Honestly, I didn't plan to have that happen. My plan was to just have a great fancy dinner, take her home and go back home myself... but one thing led to another... and whammo.

 

I definitely need to pull back, I couldn't agree with you more. I guess I just don't know how... or to put it better, I'm unsure how to pull back without feeling like it would almost be a sign of rejection and/or regret on my part.

 

Any ideas on how to let her know what you've advised... without botching up the potential for us getting back together? I should be way too old for this type of confusion now... but I'm completely dumbfounded at this time and the last thing I want is to ruin this second chance relationship before it really gets started!

[Locke2121]

Good, then your on track and ready to keep moving forward!

 

Hmm, well preventing this shouldn't be TOO hard. You simply have to make sure that you don't come into the same situation that led to it last time. Let me guess, got just a tad tipsy? Or maybe you volunteered to drive her home or vice versa...something along those lines?

 

If thats the case, have a nice believable excuse.."Sorry, I can't drink/stay over, busy day tomorrow. But I'd love it if you called me in a day or two..I really miss these night out!"

 

Something that is totally believable, will defuse the situation, but keeps the possiblity of continued romance open. Its all in the delivery!

[kekep]

If I were you, I'd leave it alone right now...don't pursue anything further with her for the time being. She might feel pressured from you if you start contacting her all the time and she isn't ready for it. You said you had a lunch date with her and it was a bit awkward?? Maybe allow for things to settle for awhile and for her (and you) to reflect on the possibility of a future relationship. Continue working on self-improvement and building your confidence up; if she displays a continued interest in you, allow things to develop naturally. Don't try to force it. Once you start planning and trying to manipulate the situation, it is sure to backfire on you.

[KrashBurn224]

If I were you, I'd leave it alone right now...don't pursue anything further with her for the time being. She might feel pressured from you if you start contacting her all the time and she isn't ready for it. You said you had a lunch date with her and it was a bit awkward?? Maybe allow for things to settle for awhile and for her (and you) to reflect on the possibility of a future relationship. Continue working on self-improvement and building your confidence up; if she displays a continued interest in you, allow things to develop naturally. Don't try to force it. Once you start planning and trying to manipulate the situation, it is sure to backfire on you.

 

Well, the lunch date wasn't awkward... I just felt awkward. Kinda like I wanted to scream... "We slept together! What does that mean for us right now"... but instead just trying to remain calm and cool.

 

I guess where I'm having the most trouble right now is... I know we're both still attracted to each other. When we're together, everything is exceptionally great. In the end though, we are each others ex's... there is history here... so what the heck is natural mean anymore??? It almost seems to me like getting back together, after already splitting once... even though it's what I really want... seems more unnatural then every being able to let things develop naturally. That's already happened when we first got together... now isn't it repair and rekindle time??? Maybe not. Maybe I'm just over thinking things right now!

[kekep]

It is frightening to me how similar our situation is. My ex and I share a phsyical attraction combined with an emotional connection. There is definite love there, but not the way that it used to be. I think we've lost that forever, and what is left has been tainted by years of hurting each other. We have done the back and forth, on and off thing as well. I know exactly how you feel. Frustrated. What I will tell you is in a real relationship, where it's 50/50 and both people are fully invested, there is no need to contain your feelings or hide your emtions. You say you have all these questions you want to ask her, and yet you admit you're afraid by asking her you will push her away. This is not a relationship. Take a step back from what's going on here and try to look at it objectively. Yes, you two are attracted to each other...you will always feel a connection to someone you have a history with. Yet, it's been shown time and again that the relationship doesn't work. For whatever reason. Trust me on this, I'm speaking from experiencing this type of situation firsthand, you need to pull back from her for awhile. It hurts and it sucks, but that's how breakups work.

 

 

Well, the lunch date wasn't awkward... I just felt awkward. Kinda like I wanted to scream... "We slept together! What does that mean for us right now"... but instead just trying to remain calm and cool.

 

I guess where I'm having the most trouble right now is... I know we're both still attracted to each other. When we're together, everything is exceptionally great. In the end though, we are each others ex's... there is history here... so what the heck is natural mean anymore??? It almost seems to me like getting back together, after already splitting once... even though it's what I really want... seems more unnatural then every being able to let things develop naturally. That's already happened when we first got together... now isn't it repair and rekindle time??? Maybe not. Maybe I'm just over thinking things right now!