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I want to break up with a single mother.


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I feel like a have committed a great crime, and need to commit another.


My first great crime was going out with, getting engaged to and building a house with a single mother - when I felt in my heart that it wasn't right.


My second great crime is what I want to do now, call it all off.


For some time now I have felt that my lips were sealed, as if what I wanted didn't matter. I'm really not sure who actually sealed my lips, was it her or me. Needless to say, I never acted as I really wanted.


I got myself into this awful mess when I was having a terrible personal and work life. I was on the rebound from another girlfriend, my father was dying of cancer and was also in the middle of changing my career direction - which was not going according to plan, and I was also living 600 miles from home. In addition to the ill health of my father, I was love sick, home sick, money sick and career sick !


Recently I have been experiencing an awakening, my old self is coming back, and I have awoken in night mare. How on earth did I get here ?


What seemed like the right thing to do with myself of the past was not the right thing to do with myself of the future.


Part of me says, do the crime, do the time. But part of me begs not to hurt myself anymore.


I do love her, and her kids, but I am finding it such a departure from the things that I really find enjoyable in life, and the things that make me tick, that I don't know whether I can handle it anymore.


One of the kids has a fear of abandonment and the other is hugely dependant on her mother as a result of huge difficulties with her father.


I need help, I need advice, I havn't spoken to anyone.

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...as to what activities you enjoy that you could not partake even having a family. Dating other people? Travelling?


And how long have you had these warning signs? From the beginning, or just lately, when a definite commitment seems to be a necessity?


This is indeed a momentous decision, just as your decision to get involved with this woman should have been. But I understand your reasons. You sounded lonely, like some stability (hence a family) would re-ground you and let you pick up the pieces. Fine. But now you have a big decision: do you really love her? Can you compromise these things, or is their pull too great? Will you decide after doing these things, possibly, that they weren't worth it afterall.


Best you should talk with a professional therapist as soon as possible. Not only do you have one life in your hands, but three. Do it for them, please.

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Let me give you some advice.. This is coming from a single mother of one child. If you don't feel ready to make the commitment, don't do it! I was married once and it's much better to back out now then later on down the line when you've built your life with this person and the children have become more attached to you. If you're not happy now, chances are, you won't be happy later. If I'm correct, you're probably feel trapped right now. I know that feeling all too well and it's not a good feeling.... and if you aren't feeling happy in the relationship, there is no way you can make anyone else involved happy. Don't feel guilty either.. you are trying to do the right thing. You can't stay with someone just because you feel guilty.. that will never work! Eventually that person will find someone else who is actually ready to commit to her and the kids... Just be true to yourself!

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I read your post and just wanted to say that what you are feeling is very normal. We all have entered into relationships that we later come to regret. I can only suggest that you consider speaking with a professional about your concerns and begin to garner the required support you need in order to help you through the decision process.


Sometimes, we enter into relationships with people under the subconscious beleif that we can somehow "change" or "save" the person - when in reality - we are hoping that the other party can save us. I am not saying this is happening with you, however you may want to do some soul searching to uncover any hidden dynamics that may be at play. Recently, I authored a book that deals with the very subject you have addressed here on this fora - feel free to visit my website to learn more.

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