Feeling better...

[mintblossom]

I've been feeling better lately. I feel well. I feel healthy. I feel balanced. I feel more centered. I feel more okay. I feel able to forget and let go. I feel more able to take care of myself. I feel better about not letting hurtful people bother me. I feel better about rebuilding my life. I feel more possibilities. I feel I can enjoy myself. I feel I can heal. I feel I can forgive myself more. I feel more of a right to take care of myself. I feel I may be able to move on from this abuse. I feel I will be able to trust and take care of myself. It's scary......because I actually do feel a lot more relief, healing, and freedom. I feel a heavy stone lifting from my heart, those heavy knots untangling. I think I will be alright....more healing to do.

 

Does this mean those abusers who purposely hurt me and wanted to harm me and break me.....does this mean they don't win? Because I know some of them purposely sought control over me or to make my life miserable. Purposely wanted to burn and break me.....out of jealousy and most likely because they were just so miserable with themselves and their lives and how they live.

 

Does this mean I will be better?.....This is new to me....I hope this mood will last.....

 

This good feeling actually scares me because it's new.....these new thoughts are a little bit different from my previous doomed, depressed thoughts.

 

I had this mental belief that...once they harmed me....I was permanently damaged, permanently worthless, permanently maimed, permanently harmed. With a key emphasis on permanence, I felt permanently......hurt, lost, destroyed, humiliated, embarrassed, angry, sad, despised and torn. It's still really hard to think myself out of this one.....because I can't change the past. So if anyone has some advice about this particular belief...I would like to hear.

[blender]

Well, sometimes in life we can get stuck in a "certain thought pattern", it becomes like a "habit" that is hard to break, even if it's not a "good habit" we still have a hard time "letting it go"... because the "unknown" can seem scary to us, but thats one of the most wonderful things about life, we don't know what is going to happen, but we can choose who we want to be, how we want to behave, and that we strong enough and have the courage to accept life's challegnes with grace,

 

These new habits of "healthy thought" are not so easy to form, and "feelings" of insecurity, sadness, happiness, contentment, anger, fear, confidence, all these feelings "ebb and flow" each and every day like waves hitting a shore, they come up, they disappear, and we can find joy in all of it, because when we are "hurting" we can choose to "learn" from it, and when we are "happy" we can choose to "share" it...

 

It's all about choosing a good attitude.. and it seems to me from all that you wrote, you are starting to choose an attitude of hope, courage, and enthusiasm.. it won't always be at top level.. but it's building inside you.. and you are growing, learning, and healing, and wonderful things are ahead for you because of this.

 

and all the time we are "feeling" it reminds us we are alive, we have a "choice" about what we want to believe, so stick with your "new belief" of you're going to be okay, you're going to be happy, you're going to take back your own personal power and make plans, set some goals, just for YOU. And the first goal can be, "I'm going to choose to have gratitude for my live, my health, and I"m going to choose to be kind".

 

When we are sad or our hearts are broken, this is the most valuable opportunity to discover just how strong, wonderful and courageous you can be... it's a gift.. yep, sometimes experiences sadness is a gift.. it's all in how you "choose to experience it".. turn this all into your own energy to be who you want to be for YOU.

[Gracelove]

Good job girl!!! Keep up the good work.

 

There are evil and dangerous people out there. Someone once told me that you're not supposed to understand people like that because you're not that way.

 

I don't know. I think that the whole thing is less personal than we think.

 

I was raped, and I'm beginning to understand that it wasn't personal. He was just evil and thinking about how he could make himself feel more powerful.

 

One of my closet friends set me up to be raped, that wasn't personal, she was just a selfish sociopath.

 

My point is, that it doesn't have to do with something being wrong with us. I believe that the people who hurt us the most, probably don't think about us much at all.

 

It's natural to feel pain, angry, sorrow, shame, guilt, hopelessness, etc. after someone has severly harmed us.

But once we are removed from those situations we don't really needed to feel threatened anymore.

Because to be honest, I'm sure we are the last thing on the minds of those that hurt us.

[mintblossom]

yeah....i know none of them probably ever think about me, remember me, and none of them even care the least bit. but i feel i am left with the residue and emotional aftershocks of the horrible events.

 

im a good, caring, decent, feeling, compassionate person so i really feel the blows. it shocks me how some people can take GOOD moments and GOOD feelings like friendship, kindness, mutuality, sincerity, honesty, and affection and turn that into a mess of anger, control, abuse, disdain, disrespect, shame, blame, accusations ETC.

 

you're right...im not meant to understand persons with that type of mentality. i have never been that way, never will be, and never want to be. i never want to live that way and treat others that way.

 

still dealing and struggling with the aftermath though...

 

gracelove, i feel i can relate to you because i too was set up to be used for sex. i wasn't raped per say......but the night i was used......i spent that night crying, shaking hysterically, i wanted desperately to go to the hospital emergency room, i was sick to my stomach, i couldn't sleep, and i called some crisis hotlines. (prior to that i had never needed to call a crisis hotline before). the lady at the rape crisis center told me that my feelings and my intentions were pure and good.......that i wanted love and respect and that HE was the one that turned it into something cheap and meaningless. but.....i think i must relate to a lot of your same feelings. it sure felt like rape......

[Daddy Bear]

Does this mean those abusers who purposely hurt me and wanted to harm me and break me.....does this mean they don't win?

You bet your brand-new, nearly ready-for-flight butterfly wings it does!!

[mintblossom]

why do i feel those wings have been torn and ripped off me? ah but yes....i am a flightless bird that needs to grow some feathers. and claws....some nice sharp claws.

 

im so broken and depressed. i am so sick and tired of being sick and tired. i feel like i've had the crap kicked out of me by this world.