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first time she meets him and she plans to have sex that night.


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I have this friend. yes, its actually my friend, not me lol. she's been my best friends since i was 10. and i will be turning 18 in less than 30 days. anyways, that just goes to show you that we had planned to have our kids grow up together. i love her to death and i don't plan on letting anything come between us. until now..

 

a few years ago, she had met a few guys online. we both ended up befriending them, and she talked to them on the phone a lot. then, i don't quiet remember what happened, but we stopped talking to them for some reason. (they were brothers btw)

 

i found out a few months ago that she recently had been talking to one of the brothers again. a week after i found out she had been "talking" to him, i had found out that they were in a relationship. she still hasn't met him. it took me awhile to get my head around the entire situation, but recently i have called her and tried to understand her relationship. ive been supportive and have learned more about the situation.

 

but today i found out that on the day she meets him for the first time in about 15 days she rented a motel room for him and her. and yes they will be having sex. she is 17 years old and she will be having sex for the first time, on the first day she meets him.

 

im upset because she should have told me. but im also upset because she's making the wrong decision. she used to have dreams of going to college and being an english teacher.

 

she doesn't want to go to college.

 

she hates her mom and her whole family.

 

im lost for ideas. if i talk to her, she'll be upset and just do what she wants out of revenge towards me.

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hi - I know you think your friend is making a mistake (and yes she is!) but it is her life and she will do what she wants. being harsh or judgemental, I don't think she will hear you out, so you should try to be gentle when talking to her.

 

best case scenario, they meet, have sex, and all is fine. not really a big deal..... however, there are tons of crazies out there, going to a hotel room with a man she does not know...... people die that way!!!! there was some story on CNN recently about some man who scheduled a "sex date" and the woman tied him up and he was ok with that, but then she started attacking him with knives and drinking his blood! he barely got out of there alive!

 

this guy may be planning on attacking her or worse, killing her. for that reason, she shouldn't meet him alone in a hotel room the first time!

 

talk to her seriously, encourage her to meet him in public, at starbucks, no hotels!!!! she should not be alone with him until she has known him for a while. there are so many crazies out there!!! worse comes to worst, tell her mom what is going on. or tell the police if she is not of the age of consent, if he is older than her by a few years, tell the police that your friend met a guy on the internet for sex.

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OK it is understandable that you are upset but I'm not sure it is warranted.

 

im upset because she should have told me.

 

Why "should" she have?

 

but im also upset because she's making the wrong decision. she used to have dreams of going to college and being an english teacher.

 

Having sex with someone does not mean you have to give up going to college and becoming a teacher. People's dreams change. Why are you thinking there is such a direct link between her meeting this guy and changing her goals?

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yes ^^^^^ I agree with melrich. definitely, it is her body and her decision, and it doesn't mean that her life is going downhill for having sex. I am more concerned that she is meeting a complete stranger from the internet and going to a hotel room with him. that is very dangerous!

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wow i reread that i do see how some of you feel. although i do feel as though she should have told me because its our friendship of eight years and i had wished that she would have asked me my advice on the matter as we always have in the past. i feel like she doesn't care about what i think. and yes i know it is her FULL decision and she will do what she wants. but ever since she met this guy her "dreams" have changed. she feels she is fine the way she is and she doesn't need anything because she has him. and im afriad that if they break up than she will feel she has nothing. im afriad for her.

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wow i reread that i do see how some of you feel. although i do feel as though she should have told me because its our friendship of eight years and i had wished that she would have asked me my advice on the matter as we always have in the past. i feel like she doesn't care about what i think. and yes i know it is her FULL decision and she will do what she wants. but ever since she met this guy her "dreams" have changed. she feels she is fine the way she is and she doesn't need anything because she has him. and im afriad that if they break up than she will feel she has nothing. im afriad for her.

 

well, it is part of becoming an adult, not feeling the need to consult with your friends about your life decisions.

 

but it is also part of becoming an adult to make safe decisions. to be honest with you, if you are really concerned about your friend, don't make this about you, or how she should have consulted you re: her virginity, but that it is just not safe to have sex with a stranger you just met. don't discourage the relationship, just maybe suggest she meet him in public a few times before being alone with him. she will be more likely to listen to you if you are trying to help her out, not condemn her decision.

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I think the original poster just threw the "she should have told me" thing out there. I can see that it's not what is really bothering her.

 

I agree with annie, tell her mom. Your friend may hate you for this, but she will either thank you in the long run when she grows up and realizes that wanting to have sex the first time she met a guy from the internet is STUPID. Just tell her that. It's "stupid!" And it's better be safe than sorry. Tell her. If she doesn't listen, tell someone else.

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In my oppinion i think you should let her make her own dicisions. They best way to learn is to make a misstake. Trust me i know, i've made plenty of misstakes in my life, and have learned much. the most you can do, is just try to be suportive, and not be a wall that tries to block her. If you do she will just go ahead and do it any way.

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  • 3 weeks later...

this isn't straightforward at all.

 

if you tell her mom, you will lose her friendship.

 

if you don't tell her mom and something bad happens to her (even if he doesn't kill her, he gives her an std or hiv or just rapes her) then you may lose her.

 

if you tell her that she should see him in a public place she may stop confiding in you completely.

 

you have to see her in person. tell her that you are concerned for her safety first and foremost. this can not be a judgment on her person, bad or good or giving up her dreams. you are right about what you are saying, but you can't help her with her life. but this *is* a very dangerous situation she could be heading to. tell her that you don't want to betray her trust but that if she doesn't meet him in public and let someone else know about it, when and where, maybe even invite some friends along, which is normal and healthy, that you may have to warn her mother for her personal safety.

 

this is better than just going straight to her mom, which may get her in big trouble, shows you care but aren't betraying her. it is potentially a threat so you have to be careful about how you present it so that she doesn't start to distrust you and stop sharing with you... i think this is a good compromise. but whatever you do, absolutely don't let her do what she is planning on doing...

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  • 2 weeks later...

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