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Answer when he calls? Pleaseeeeee help!

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Hey guys, i don't know if you remember me, it's been awhile. Brief summary: Boyfriend broke up with me after three years because he simply "didnt feel the same way about me anymore", told me to stop calling him on Christmas day...since Christmas, I have remained in strict NC-aside from looking at his facebook page and i unblocked him on AIM about the end of january, but didng IM him. I'm seeing someone else as well. So last night, i sent an email that i wrote about two weeks ago. I let it sit in my drafts folder to think about it. I decided last night to send it. I also sent all of his things in a box with no note or anything this week. I kind of looked at it as "creating my own closure" because he cut me off so quickly, we never even said goobye. So im going to post the email that i sent him, it's rather long, if you don't want to read the whole thing you don't have to.


Dear ....,


I've begun so many emails and letters to you, and normally, what happens when i try to write someone a letter is that I can just write and write and write. And then, even if I don't mean to, I hit the send button..because I feel so proud of how well I've expressed myself that..the other person HAS to see it. It's just too good for them to not see it. But everytime I try to write you a letter, nothing ever seems right to say. One reason is that in a lot of ways I feel like there's nothing more to say. But at the same time I feel like there is so much more to say. Another reason why writing you a letter has proven unsuccessful thus far is that what i have to say always just turns into hurt and anger, which helps neither of us. And in a lot of ways, I have been waiting for you to make the first move...after all, you were the one who made so clear how unwanted my efforts to communicate are. So what do I want to say? What could i possibly have to say to you? Why am i even writing you now? do I want closure? I don't know, the more i think about it, the more i think that there's no such thing as closure...For a long time, I thought closure would be to make you feel how i felt. I wanted you to feel how i felt on christmas day. I wanted you to feel how it feels to spend three years with someone, and have the last thing that they say to you is "stop calling". Or how i felt the entire last six months that we spent together, and how badly you treated me, which in retrospect, was extremely bad. Or how it made me feel after the first few weeks, realizing that you never were going to call...when you never called or wrote or expressed any kind of apology or sadness. And that's probably what hurt me the most. But i have realized that none of those things would help me to move past the fact that i lost my best friend, which is ultimately, the final thing that I have to get over. And it's still a battle, just not having you in my life. To me, it's so strange how everything turned out okay, and how i didn't die. i really thought i couldn't live a day without (his name). It's so weird how you wake up the next day breathing. And realize that life does go on. and it's funny, when i met someone else..i wanted to call you..not to rub it in your face, but to share it with you. to be like this is so exciting! maybe out of habit, or maybe out of the fact that regardless of everything your friendship meant everything to me. i mean, same thing with ben folds, or for anything else good or bad that happens..i miss having your support, i miss having your input, and i miss hearing your voice. i miss being able to call you and tell you what's going on in my life. i miss my best friend. I really, truly do.


You hurt me so badly (his name). I don't think i've ever felt more betrayed or let down in my entire life by the way that everything happened. And my guess is that this letter is going to mean practically nothing to you. That you wish I would just let it go, or something of that sort. And I understand that this did not affect you as much as it did me, because you had begun letting go of me long before we broke up. I also understand that the person that i was holding onto for so long is not the person who you are today. But someday, when you come accross something that reminds you of me, or a song that makes you think of me, or you just want to call me--and your heart gets very sad, just know that i am thinking of you and praying for you. please know that my love for you extends beyond solely boyfriend and girlfriend, and that i will never stop caring for you. i'm not saying that you need that, but i'm just expressing to you that nothing you could do would completely burn the bridge that we spent three years building. I'm glad now, that I have waited this long to write you a letter, because at this point, i can write this letter knowing that even in my subconscious I am not trying to accomplish anything by writing this. I'm not trying to prove anything to you, and I owe you nothing. This letter is as real and as sincere as it gets and i mean every single word of it. I am not trying to make you feel a certain way or bring up old feelings. It is just time. i hope that you find what you are looking for, no matter what that may be. i want the best for you. And as hokey pokey as it all sounds, just know that in spite of everything, i will remember you with a smile, and that your memory will always hold a special place in my heart. Love changes, but it still never fails.


No regrets,





okay, so a couple hours later he replied with this:



you're wrong.



your letter means a lot to me. we'll talk, i promise. in a few days, im working through some stuff.




(his name)



ps its great to hear from you



I'm confused by his response. I didn't think that my email was asking him to contact me. But i'm also going crazy. He's back in my head now, which is awful. I wanted it to be overwith. What do i do when he calls? (He will, hes not that big of a jerk)...do i not answer? do i email him back? in a sick way i want to talk to him, but probably for the wrong reasons. And it would break my heart if he just wanted to be "friends" or have "small talk"...ugh..what do i do?

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This is exactly why it is almost never a good idea to send your ex a letter. Because once you send it, you start thinking about what their response will be and then the whole "well what did they mean by that" thoughts consume you.


Maybe the best thing for you to do now is send him another email saying something like, "it was nice to hear from you, I hope you are doing well but I dont think I am ready to be friends with you yet"


Obviously you should word it a little differently but that should be your point. Talking on the phone as friends and small talk which is probably what will happen, will hurt.

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Maybe he feels guilty and wants to talk to you to tell you that he's sorry for breaking up with you and maybe this can also be your closure. You guys get together one last time and find out why this happened. Didn't you write that he just dropped this bombshell on you unexpectedly and never gave you a chance to find out why.


Maybe he feels he's together enough to give you the reason "why".

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Normally I dont' think people should send emails to exes, but I have to say, I thought your email was very dignified and it brought a tear to my eye. (I have 'flu, though, so am crying at everything!). I thought it was well written, and generally got your point accross, and it brought YOU closure. Good for you.


Now what? Maybe let him respond, see what he has to say - you don't want to get back together, but you do have a fondness for him. I would let this exchange go one more time, and then end it again.


But it was a good email - it said what you wanted it to say, and it didn't beg for him to get back in touch.


Good luck.

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That's exactly the problem..i wrote it thinking i didn't but as soon as i saw his message in my inbox, it felt like i was back at square one..i hate this..i don't want to lose how far i've come, but i don't want to pass up a chance to hear what he has to say...a large part of me does NOT want him back, but a small part of me knows that if he showed up at my doorstep it would be hard to turn him away. but the point is that's 99% probably not what he wants to talk about he probably just wants to ease his own guilt...

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perhaps you can just say "If your calling to apologize, don't worry about it, I already forgave you regardless. Unless your calling to say you want to talk about the possibility of dating again, then I'm not ready to hear it, nor am I interested."


maybe not word for word, but what do you think?


Also, although you may feel a setback, you will not loose everything so to speak. If you got knocked back to square 1, it will take you a few days to get back to where you were before this..what took you months to do before.

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It takes a long time before you can completely close that door. Every time you talk to your ex that door opens up just a bit.


I have had my ex (she broke up with me 6 months ago)contacting me about once or twice a month for the past few months now and every time I actually respond, I feel like I am back at square one for a little while.


You are in a tough spot and I know exactly how you are feeling. Maybe just keep the conversation short if he calls you.



Good luck

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Hey CareBear, I feel your pain. Letters can be a great way of venting one's feelings. Writing your thoughts can be cathartic.


Then you either choose to send it or not. Having chosen to send the letter was not a mistake...you expressed some deeps thoughts and poured you heart out. Your breakup is recent so everything, feelings, thoughts, emotions are still fresh.


The wait will be tough, but let him respond. Keep it short and sweet, get closure...Then commence NC.


The song in your signature says it all:


And it's so hard to do

And so easy to say

But sometimes, sometimes

You just have to walk away




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Hi Carrie,

Be assured that a lot of us have actually done something similar (I definitely did), but have gotten through it. I used to write long emails to my ex, and in hindsight, I did it to maintain a connection with him. I'm not doubting what your saying but maybe there's a part of you that still wants to remain in his life with the hopes of eventually getting back together. I think he wrote that he'd call you because you mentioned several times how much you're missing his friendship...and guys always like to feel useful or like they're coming to someone's rescue (which ain't bad, I guess). But in this scenario, I don't know if that's best. Don't know why you 2 broke up, but I'll look in your past posts if you don't feel like summarizing it here, but did you break up on bad terms or "okay" terms?


One thing I've learned in the past though is to NEVER create drafts of letters to the ex. If you absolutely must write it, do so but then delete it immediately. When things sit in your draft box, you'll itch to send it. It's like going on a diet and leaving a box of double-stuffed oreos on the kitchen counter to look at every time you walk into the kitchen. Too tempting.


Last thing, YOU WILL GET PAST THIS! I looked at a journal entry I wrote about a year ago where I asked, "will I ever get beyond this torture?" (I had been in the most rocky relationship that lasted 3 years. It truly was torture every other day). But I stand today freed from that relationship and entering a new one that, so far, seems to be pretty amazing. Now, you mentioned that you're dating someone new? Do you think he may be a rebound? Or do you really feel potential with this guy? I'm asking because it's easy to just find someone to say you found someone after your ex, but when you start to speak out what you like about this person that's totally different from your ex, I believe that you really start to separate yourself from your past relationship. If you don't want to talk about the new relationship you don't have to, I know that's not what this topic is about.


Well, I wish you the best, keep us updated.

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what do you say to this response to his email?



i really don't think it's necessary for us to talk at this point..if you just want to make friendly small talk, im not really up for that..and if you have unresolved guilt and that's why you want to talk to me, i really don't want to take part in that, i dont need an apology/explanation, that's kind of what the letter was saying..i wrote it more for me, not for you, and if you benefited from it, all the better....ive forgiven you, but on my own terms..i'm sorry..im at a really good place right now, the best ive been in a long time, and i dont want to jeopardize that.


Again, best wishes.





...i feel like he really wouldnt expect me to say anything like that, when we broke up for very short times before i would always be the first to cave..i feel powerful sending that..but will i regret not taking him up on his offer? the way im looking at it now is that he couldn't really want to talk about anything that would help me at this point, the only thing that would be remotely helpful to me is if he wanted to get back together, which is not the best thing for me....so send it? or just not answer his call?

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i do feel potential for the person im seeing. sometimes its hard because i am so used to having the intimacy of a three year relatioship...so i think that's the only thing that im really missing about my exboyfriend..and yes the guy that im seeing now has SO many qualities that are exactly opposite of my ex, that i am highly enjoying...my ex was the jock type, cared what everyone thought all the time, acted different around different people..the guy im seeing now is very "coffee shop-ish" if you know what i mean, a different kind of attractiveness, very laid back and very comfortable in his own skin...and so much less superficial when it comes to the way that i look, and the reasons that he likse me. its refreshing. but still, i feel weighted down at times by my old relationship, so i fear at times that i will hurt my new relationship because of that. but it seems to be getting better all the time, so im just waiting it out...i am also studying abroad in uganda next semester so that kind of takes off the pressure of it being ultra serious.

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i sent that response, and he emailed me back about an hour later saying that he'll respect my wishes, he's been thinking everything through lately, he hasn't put me out of his mind, he misses his best friend, it's hard not to talk, blah blah blah, it sounded like a lot of bull * * * *.


but i feel like i've washed my hands clean of it all.


now i just have to recover from actually hearing from him




why do we let them do this to us

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