What have you learned from your last relationship?

[kate111]

I have learned I have a tendency to become codependent that I have to fight against.

 

I have to learn to be more assertive.

[Pisces_Princess]

To go slowly and be cautious if the other person wants to go too fast (quick burn, quick to fizzle out!)

 

To love totally and without reservation

 

Look out for red flags and gut instincts and listen to what they are trying to say to you

[Semid]

I've learned that actions speak louder than words

 

I've learned that I am a good friend and a good girlfriend

 

I've learned that no matter how hard you try. If he needs professional help there is nothing you can do.

[bitbybit]

Yes, to listen to what they are trying to tell you, because they usually ARE -- and if you don't like it, leave.

[This is Horrible]

no matter how much two people love eachother, that is not enough.

 

my ex and i spoke about it last night, and we both loved eachother more than anything, which is why we tried so hard to make it work, but in the end it wasnt enough....and that is the hardest thing to stomach- that we just werent compatible on certain things and that those differences are what held us back from reaching our full potential.

[kate111]

Don't expect that supporting somebody to achieve success will make them appreciate you. They may just upgrade you when they are confident instead.

[Grosse vache]

No matter how many times you tell your boyfriend you will leave him, he will only do something about it once you have actually left and no longer care.

[NyGentleman]

That how great you think you are to the person you are with...how much better you are than there past relationships ...could mean nothing if they havent comes to terms with being over an ex....

 

The ex factor has the potential to destroy anything in its way....no matter who or what is in the present with that person....the mentality will not be there....and one day it all blows up in your face...without a rhyme or reason....

 

I learned the hard way...a girl who is willing to walk away from a relationship that was friendship and intimacy related for 1yr 4mos and 4 days....

[uppercut]

If you don't know her well, be sure to buckle your condoms.

[Shiva 2007]

LOL uppercut, do they sell the buckles separately?

[thelonelydoll]

If you stipulate sobriety as a condition of the relationship, get rid of him/her if he/she shows no real interest in getting well. I thought I was being supportive, but in the end, I was just abused. Over and over again.

[Shiva 2007]

^ agree 100% you are right on and the sobriety comes in many forms, even addiction to porn or money

[thelonelydoll]

Very true!

 

Tragically, I have a drug-addicted brother and have learned many things about addictions over the years - but then I failed to see my own enabling behavior!! I allowed this ex to string me along with a lot of phony lip-service about how I was the only person to make him truly look at his alcoholism, and all sorts of stories about going to AA and a counselor, but one of the last things he said to me was that the bottle "never lets him down."

 

I let him know alcohol would be a deal-breaker last September - and then I put up with his alcoholic rages for six months.

 

I also learned to listen to my best friend's 92-year-old grandmother. She warned me early on that "he'll never change" - and she was right all along.

[auburnslp]

1. I learned that if more than 4 people who are not in your immediate family and that don't know each other all tell you that it's doesn't look like it will work out, you should listen. Not because other people are always right, but because if their unbiased, they can see something that's clouding your vision of this other person at the time.

 

That is the biggest thing I learned from my second failed marriage...I jumped into it and asked her to marry me after about a month-and everyone, family, friends, all tried to warn me and I wouldn't listen...believe me I learned my lesson and will always listen...I advise everyone to do the same...

[cubsfan]

i have learned to not date a man immediately after a marriage or long relationship ends-he still has issues w/ the ex-no matter if he said "I'm already over it". DO NOT believe him.

 

if he abused you physically or emotional one time, IT WILL happen again. get out!!! if he starts being controlling, GET OUT!! it doesn't get better

 

If he's bad w/ money, do not move in w/ him.

 

do not lose yourself when you are in a relationship. it will bite you in the butt.

 

After being dumped, please take time for yourself to heal!!! I can't stress that enough. you must get comfortable or back to the place where you feel complete w/out having a man around. then and only then are you able to have a healthy relationship.

 

you must love yourself before you can love anyone else.

 

Do NOT EVER let a man put you down or call you names, if that happens, GET OUT!!!

 

once a man breaks up w/ you, do not ry to be friends right away. it can't be done. maybe a year down the road.

 

once a man breaks up w/ you , no contact is the only way to heal. DO NOT let him try to contact you in any way or you'll never heal, I highly recommend counseling for the breakup of a marriage or long term relationship.

 

hang,out w/ the girls, get a pet, exercise, journal, talk w/ friends and family, read self help books....it all helps but time is the only true healer. (Unfortunately)

 

do not rebounded. usually doesn't last and then you're stuck grieving for 2 men, not just one.

 

let yourself grieve, cry, get p-----d off, rage, you must go thru all those emotions in order to heal over the breakup.

 

DO NOT sleep w/him post breakup. you make yourself look desperate and you are still broke up. and you will feel like s---t after doing it because you betrayed yourself and you are so much better than that. he SHOULD know better than to pull that crap w/your emotions.

 

I"m brand new out of a breakup so that's why there's so much. hope someone gets answers, help, relief from this!! I know i did reading all the posts. thank u very much everyone!!

[Lava Rocks]

• Believe their actions over their words. The exception to this would be when they say, "I'm not looking to get into something serious now." BELIEVE IT! No matter what.
  

• If you feel more lonely in their arms than when you're alone, it's way past the right time to leave.
  

• Do not be someone's rebound. Make sure anyone you date has had adequate time to resolve any issues from past relationships. NO RECENTLY DIVORCED MEN!!!
  

• If you see big huge red flags in the beginning, run like hell.
  

• Treat yourself kindly. Accept no less from others.
  

• Set proper boundaries, stick to them.
  

• If he does things to deliberately play on your insecurities, puts you down often, and/or tries to use his female relationships to make you jealous, kick him in the junk. Then leave.
  

• If he doesn't call when he says he will, he's not just "being a man." If a monkey can figure out how to get termites out of a log with a stick, he can figure out how to dial a friggin phone when he says he will. It's that easy.
  

• If he asks you to buy him a beer, a pack of smokes, or dinner on the first date because he's "so broke"...then proceeds to stuff dollars into a bar-top poker machine...he's not broke, he's just a loser.
  

[NaNOx9]

[*]If he asks you to buy him a beer, a pack of smokes, or dinner on the first date because he's "so broke"...then proceeds to stuff dollars into a bar-top poker machine...he's not broke, he's just a loser.

 

I think that one takes the cake!

[Shiva 2007]

thank you it's beautifully written!!!!, although I would like to add, if you end up sleeping with anyone soon after, make it clear to yourself and to them that you are not interested in getting into another relationship so soon, it's way too soon and you are feelings cannot yet be trusted, you cannot give anything of substance to them, you are still trying to give to yourself.

[Shiva 2007]

=D> lol, that was pretty good, thank you, I love these posts they are great to read and be reminded, of some of the foolish mistakes we have all made.

[bird]

Don't lose sight of who you are. Maintain your friendships, and have some activities/time/dreams independent of the relationship. If you notice your self-esteem at an all-time low, ask yourself why it happened and how you can fix it.

 

Love yourself first. (Like on airplanes when they tell you to put your own oxygen mask on before helping others.)

 

Don't stick around in a relationship that you know isn't working. Don't tolerate abuse in any form. Pay attention to the red flags. As Oprah once said, "The first time a guy shows you who he is, believe him."

 

And a few repeats:

 

--Maintain healthy skepticism re: love and long-term plans.

--Proceed slowly.

--If your friends/family disapprove of the partner/relationship, find out why.

--People change, you have no control over it, it just happens.

--Treat yourself kindly, and accept no less from others.

--Don't allow him to play on your insecurities.

--Set boundaries and stick to them.

[mca1975]

what i have learnt (especially from my last one) is dont ignore red flags/signs that dont feel right. Trust your own judgement and act upon them accordingly, do not push them to the back of your mind or think that you are just being silly, cause usually you're not being silly at all. you are ignoring your natural intuition

[bird]

Omigosh, I totally forgot the most important thing:

 

Don't depend on someone else for your happiness!!

[auburnslp]

if she slowly reveals over the course of a year-long engagement that she has an eating disorder, was sexually abused as a child and thus is incredibly insecure and has sought no treatment for it, has a son she has totally abandoned in another state, has a daughter from an affair with a married man that she treats like crap, spends all her time on the computer revealing intimate bits and pieces of her life and pictures of herself in a public online journal forum, for attention and validation, covertly stays in touch with old boyfriends and one-night stands from her past and has a myspace page like a trashy teenager's where she flirts with them all and invites them out to bars on "girl's night out" where you are uninvited (I found this out later) and posts bulletins like "what would we do if we were locked in a room together alone for 24 hours", goes out to bars without you and slow-dances with other men and acts like a total tramp from all accounts, but of course swears she never slept with anyone, complains constantly and demeans you all the time for no apparent reason, well,...

 

do not believe for a second that your love and the stability you can offer will make everything all right. Don't get caught up in wedding plans and ignore the red flags, thinking what I just wrote. You will be divorced within a year, as I am in the process of doing.

 

And when she cries and begs and swears that she will change and you stupidly give it a shot, yet find out that she continues to do some of the same things behind your back, well then you know it's done. That's when you realize that the attention and validation she gets from her many "friends" and party buddies and flirtatious encounters will always outweigh the love and attention you, as one man, could ever provide. That's when you realize she has a real and true sickness, and then all hope is gone.

 

I guess this can all be summed up with what has been said before-run from the red flags. I have learned to run like hell, and never look back-at least as soon as I get used to being alone again.

[Wandering_Sword]

I hope you feel better brother. That is some monumental pain you went through. I would be a puddle after going through all that.

[This is Horrible]

trust your gut and not your heart.

 

when you trust your heart ou do not always do the right thing, although at that particular time it may seem right.