I wish I could make her happy

[Cohiba1200]

Married almost 6 years. Wife is clearly not happy with herself. She has changed almost everything about her - boob job, eye job, tanning, contacts, cut her hair short, colors it about every week, $400+ new clothes every month, you name it. She was unbelievably beautiful before all this.

 

She is also very tight with her mother. We have been married 6 years, she spends almost every (50/52) Friday night with her mother. Overnight. She is very quick to anger and has a reason for EVERYTHING that is wrong or uncomfortable. She is extremely critical of almost everything - co-workers, other people's driving, church members, celebrities, my friends, the waiter... you get the idea.

 

People often ask me why I don't have children. I joke with them that you "have to have sex to have kids". That's pretty close to the truth. Frequency is very low, and often the last thing on the agenda. It's like you have foreplay in the form of waiting before you get to the foreplay. Maybe all of this sounds like just general bitching, but when you look at the fact that we are both 31, and together make over 130K/year, we're healthy, there's no cheating, drugs, or anything like that - what's the problem?

 

I want kids, she doesn't "right now" (when?). She is unhappy with her job (she's unhappy with all of them, and she's had 3 in 5 years). I've given her everything she wants, and never really delivered any ultimatums. My folks tell me that I am the most patient person they have ever known. I know I'm spinning this because it's me that telling the story, but I have no where else to turn. I'm ready to move on. She's nuts and I'm getting there. Anybody else out there have something like this, where there are no crimes, just misdemeanors? What did you do? How long did you wait to do it?

[Mar]

Aww, hon.....when will you guys realize that, in a situation like this, you DID NOTHING WRONG?? It's a matter of you finding the wrong person that felt right at the time you married her.

 

There IS no set time limit on when your patience or affections run out.....it's simply when you feel that you can't keep it up anymore and still retain your sanity and overall happiness. Have you given this marriage your best? Have you talked about how you feel? Have you suggested counseling? If yes, than what else are you to do? YOUR happiness is ultimately what's most important, this I firmly believe with every particle of my being. How much time are you going to waste in trying to make an unhappy person happy?

 

If your wife is that unhappy with who she is (i.e. the boob jobs, eyelifts, etc.) then you aren't going to make a difference, that has to come from within HER. Until she can accept who she is, and, more importantly, be HAPPY with who she is, and look in the mirror with confidence every day, you aren't going to change that, as much as you love her and as much as you might want to.

 

It's your decision......your happiness. If you're fed up and have given it your all, you'll know when the time has come to break things off and move on. I truly believe that this is something that comes from one's heart, not the advice of others. No one can judge when someone's had enough, and is tired of the misery and pain and endless doubts. All I can say is that, if you've had enough and wake up with despair, it's time to move on. But remember that there ARE people out there (in here, actually) who have BEEN THROUGH this. We understand, and, while it might not heal your heart, it will help in talking, because who else understands better than us? Good luck hon, and take care....you're not alone.

[Gunther]

well, sounds like quite the predicament you got there, you just need to sit her down and talk about it. maybe you both need to go to some marriage counsaling. and tell her that you both HAVE to go to it. I think that you would benefit much more greatly from professional advice than what we can give you here.

[Cohiba1200]

Thank you! Mar, you are an angel. You have affirmed a lot of things that I knew that were true, only I didn't want to face them. OCS - I have in fact, suggested that we go to counseling, but she's not willing to go. I think that I am going to offer her another opportunity to go, and if she refuses (or will not participate actively) I will initiate divorce proceedings.

 

You people are terriffic. I have no one to talk to but you, and I thank you for your interest in my life. Anonimity may yet breed familiarity. Thanks to you again. Sooner or later, I will have a life, and I'll be able to contribute in meaningful ways to the people that I love. I have strength, and I will do it.

[Cohiba1200]

Filed for divorce about 3 weeks ago. Had her served over at Mom's (she's there every Saturday morning...) and she came home telling me that she'd do anything to change my mind, and that she never knew how bad it was for me - she was sorry.

 

I stayed away for a couple of days, and came back to talk with her. I told her that if there was any chance at all of working on our marriage, she would have to do some very specific things, like right now. Among them were that she go to a doctor, get some antidepressants or something, go to marriage counseling immediately, etc. She agreed to all of it.

 

I have to say, that she really is trying. A lot of the stuff, she's really working hard on it. Some of it, she has not, but progress is progress, I guess. The bad thing about this though, is that my attitude about the whole thing has not really improved. It's like - once I got to the point of making that decision, I just made my mind up that this part of my life is over and I'm ready to move on. I am going to continue with the counseling, but I am caught between "wanting to work on it" and feeling like so much of what I've felt for her over the years is just dead.

 

If this sounds wishy-washy, say so. I've just never done this before, and I am very, very confused. My first wish has always been that the girl I picked be the right one for me. I guess I'm finding it hard to give that up, regardless of what my gut, brain, and common sense may be telling me.

 

Thanks for your support.