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Goodbye, ENAers


CynicalGuitarist
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my bad man,

but it's good to hear you're still kickin it!

you still haven't answered my question though

but i'm guessing by the looks of it you play an ICE MAN!!!

 

have you been able to find any places around your area with a cool music scene fit to your needs?

 

You're right. It's an ICX-120 I named Aura.

 

The music scene around here is bollocks. Full of pompous, pretentious snobs and elitism. I've been to lots of shows, but everyone simply acts like I don't exist.

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I know it's not easy....if it were, I would have put it's all downstream..lol

My life is a POS right now...has been for a long time. sometimes I just have to laugh so I don't cry so much. To me, life is a joke, but I wouldn't trade it for death. That will come soon enough.

 

Harass...yeah, your probably one of the few I dont ....yet.

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I know it's not easy....if it were, I would have put it's all downstream..lol

My life is a POS right now...has been for a long time. sometimes I just have to laugh so I don't cry so much. To me, life is a joke, but I wouldn't trade it for death. That will come soon enough.

 

 

 

 

That's exactly right... I laugh and joke and give so much crap to everyone just so I can avoid crying. I think it's my way of coping. Making a joke out of EVERYTHING

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I will share with you cynical a very good example to help calm that weary mind of yours. Whenever you're depressed and feel suicidal just remember this phrase and it will subside... "well I could be living 100 years ago, then I'd have none of the problems I do now but not the same opportunities either." It helps me because then I realize if I had been born 100 years ago there'd be almost nothing from today present, it would really be a hell back then! No running water, no microwaves, no cars.. hell you'd be hard pressed to find anything you enjoyed doing let alone a guitar that's electric. Take care and focuse on that concept, it'll help.

 

As for those saying you must stop being a baby, I don't agree. They are seeing your life through a broad perspective, unfortunately I've found these sorts of mentalities last only a short while, then you feel depressed and suicidal again. The best thing you can do is get medication like Zoloft for your symptoms, then try finding a job and getting yourself more focused on being out in the world. I've been seeing a psychiatrist and therapist for 2 years now and there's been little insight into my lifes troubles... in reality I'd have to say I don't have any problems at all, I have no friends, no gf, no life outside work.. basically all I do is exist. This in itself can be seen as a problem but if you reflect it's not really, it's just I wanna do other things

 

So yea.. don't off yourself, the best thing to remember is also what someone here said.. eventually you're going to die, who cares when? Wait until you do it naturally then you can be like "well at least I tried and I still failed, see f'ers I was right."

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The only thing pathetic is the pity party you hold for yourself. This corrupts most humans, did you know? You CAN change this viewpoint. It is not your true identity, just a choice you made to behave towards your problems. But no problem has to be a problem if you use it to grow.

 

If you leave now, you will be leaving the answers you've been searching for your whole life. You'll never hear what anyone says to you again- any child asking for help in the future (maybe your own), any lover in the future trying to get to know you and you wont hear yourself speak to others, the unique self expression you may have in this world will be lost. You'll never see your eyes again in your mirror. You'll have no more chances. As of now, you have every chance to turn your life around. It's your attitude which stinks and the self denial that perserveres of which you admit to yourself there can be no change. But let me tell you: there can be every change in the world. You just have to live differently. And this starts with your thoughts about yourself and life. They are a little immature and hopeless, like a teenager's still. The cynical aspect of the mind starts in a teenager the most, did you know? You have not left that stage. It's time you choose to do so.

 

If you give yourself the chance to keep growing, you will gain that strength you always wanted. Unfortunately, now that you've declared "it's too late" you will most likely make it so. Only you can say "Ok, wait a second" because even as we all shout "stop" you will be disappointed since you cant find a good enough answer. This is called Missing What Life's All About. You are choosing My Life Is Only About Me And So That Makes Me Alone. Like I said, like a teenager's still. Give yourself time to grow. A lifetime even and then you can decide in the end if it was worth it to live. But you are too young to make an accurate analysis of what your own life holds for you. All you can do is keep trying.

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  • 2 weeks later...
Cynical:

 

Begin today. No matter how feeble the light, let it shine as best it may. The world may need just that quality of light which you have.

 

I agree.

 

As I've said before... somebody has to be the screw up. Somebody has to be the tool. Somebody has to be the Charlie Brown-esque figure who gets disappointed. Somebody has to be the loser... otherwise, we'll just have a world full of perfect angels and that would be incredibly boring... so yeah, I actually agree with you.

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Every moment of your life is a gift, whether good or bad happens, it's to challenge you to grow. Dont step away from that challenge. Embrace it, always. There are heroes who have before that you can look up to, to the hardships of life (Martin Luther King being on of them)

 

Express yourself. Find yourself. Remember this moment is a gift. Every moment is one, whether it appears so or not. We only get one life to live. Stop placing expectations or boundaries on your own...and just work with the flow for a while. You have people here...strangers here like myself...who care about you.

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Listen, guy,

 

When I was right near your age, I wanted out, too. I have been there.

 

I know that you get to a certain point where other people's problems being "worse" don't matter at all and are irrelevant. There comes a point where evaluating all the "good thing" and "people who care" starts to only ring hollow and in fact make you more of a failure for not being able to care anymore or being ungrateful.

 

I will tell you that there are 2 things that helped me go on, when I realized them:

 

1. Since there seemed no more point in anything and going on...strangely there was also no more point in NOT going on. What the hell do you have to lose at this point? You feel like you've lost everything, well, so then LIVE FOR SHEER CURIOSITY. Think of your life as a movie (albeit a bad horror flick) that you just have to stick around for to see what the hell happens. Get outside of YOU and just witness your life as a series of events moving in an unknown direction. So, you can decide that maybe you will just go "along for the ride" now and give up attachment to what the current pass/fail brainsashing is telling you. There is no pass/fail here with this life. It is now just down to observation and being open to the mystery of what is around the next corner. This part is about letting your mind release itself on the grip of thinking you have to find meaning, but just becoming FREE TO WATCH AND SEE, BECAUSE THIS IS YOUR STORY AND THERE IS MORE TO GO. Wonder. Wonder what it will evolve into.

 

2. So this is the othe aspect of that, which is more about the heart: Out of the abyss, I found that I could see my life as a question, a journey. A quest that only a brave traveller would attempt. And that for some reason, I was given a ticket to this desolate and at times tortuous journey, but that I could be hero of this uncharted passage. I could choose to be the hero of my own warped epic -- because here is the clincher, if I give into death and self-destruction, WHOEVER AND WHATEVER THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE THAT GETS TO WIN!! Can you let "the enemy" win???!!! They/it will have the final laugh if you let that happen! This is your fight and how dare they disarm you. Think of the programming and experiences that have gotten you to this point as internal terrorists that you cannot surrender to. No, you have to fight back with all you've got, even if all you've got now is nothing more than a stubborn refusal and no better reason than not wanting them to have the last say over your destiny.

 

3. Finally, this one I learned only much, much later but I use it today when things look deadly dark: you think you ARE your life, and your mind. I know this sounds weird, and I don't know what your spiritual inclinations are, but all of your perceptions are just a bunch of electrical sparks going off in your head. And when you break those down under an electron microscope, there are only molecules and then atoms and then empty space there. You feel like you exist with these SOLID problems, but they are only as changing and fleeting as the comings and goings of stars being born and suns blowing out. Every breath you take is a new one, the last is gone. Every breath you will take is a moment yet to happen. And each moment is UNPREDICATABLE. And unreliable, and inconstant. Everything, everything, is always in perpetual change and motion. This breath you are breathing will arise and fall away and every thought you are thinking will arise and fall and turn into something else. Watch EVERYTHING in nature, and see that nothing is static -- it is the nature of existing that NOTHING STAYS. Which means that for all this talk that you are "only 19", yes, it doesn't really feel helpful to hear that because RIGHT NOW is all that matters, but when you telescope out and see the changing nature of everything, you will see that ahead of you are GUARANTEED CHANGES BECAUSE OF THE WAY NOTHING EVER STAYS THE WAY IT IS. It is merely a perception that things are stuck and too far gone that you lose sight of the fact that anything can change -- either slowly or on a dime -- just the way reality always goes. You can guarantee for SURE this is the one promise life will give you: that in 1, 2, 5, 10 years, you will be a different human being and when you look back, you will not even see this time in the same way.

 

Now I am looking back 20 years later...and I am glad I stuck it out. Someday you will be saying the same, trust me. Just go forward with a blindfold, knowing you have no reason to do so except that it is only a frame of mind (remember, a whirl of electrical impulses) you are in at this moment in time -- and nothing more. Someday, you will want to look back in this photo book of your life and be grateful you were hero enough to stay.

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P.S. God, I wish I knew how to play guitar!! It's the one thing I BEGGED my parents for, for like 10 years, and my father FORCED me to play piano, which made me end up hating life...I didn't go to college for a while just so I could work for my first guitar (which I didn't end up going far with, as this was the period I was suicidally depressed and then I went to college to try to do something with my life...)...but just wait...someday, I'm gonna teach myself to play even though I am turning into an old crone and won't look that hot onstage, lol!

 

If I lived near you I'd have to say wait, you can't go -- teach me to play!!!!!

 

IT'S NOT OVER TIL IT'S OVER

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I agree.

 

As I've said before... somebody has to be the screw up. Somebody has to be the tool. Somebody has to be the Charlie Brown-esque figure who gets disappointed. Somebody has to be the loser... otherwise, we'll just have a world full of perfect angels and that would be incredibly boring... so yeah, I actually agree with you.

 

Very well but and spot on there world needs color, souls of every light.

 

If your a loser then come sit down with the gang, Losers know a lot and can tell you where the pit falls are, so advice from the losers can help just as much as from the winners.

 

Thats why I talk to street bums, they have lived.

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Hey there again, CG --

 

Now I have had a chance to really read more thoroughly through this thread, and a lot of people have voiced some really good thoughts and advice, including that you see this time as your rite of passage, so to speak -- and that when you come out the other end, you will have waaaaaaaaaaay more insight and steely strength than most people, that will be your edge, your ally, your most attractive attribute!! I love men who have gone to hell and back and come back a better man for it (so in the girls area, which you don't need to be focusing on now, know that this will make you a very caring, empathic guy some day to a very sensitive and appreciative woman who is not just shallow!) Not to mention as others have said, all the mentoring you will one day do for younger kids who are lost, when you see yourself in them, only you can say "been there, done that". You gotta go through the hazing first, though...

 

And on that note, I'd like to take up where I left off with a more practical post: I think the idea of looking for jobs in a music store is a great idea, but to take it a step further: Do you think that you could teach beginning guitar to students at a music store? That's where a lot of the music classes are here. You could that way earn money AND be in your field AND a major side benefit would be that you might be able to use a practice room or something to play your drums, or even play your guitar on any amp you like. That way, until you get enough cash to put a roof over your own head and move out from your mom's, you will have work and personal play time on your own terms, with your music -- and teaching will be a great boon to your mental state. There is nothing like helping another person get better at something to feel worth something in this world! I don't know what the going rate is for teaching there, but here it is pretty good! (at least a buck a minute, for a minimum of 1/2 hour!) Once you get a good rapport with staff at music stores (if you haven't already), and are a teacher there, you can get anywhere, respect and connections-wise. That's how my first love started, and now he is a professor in music (though he still does his own creative work.) One thing leads to the next, but at your age with your skills, you could be great at teaching (many people with ADD are outstanding with people and teaching), and maybe you won't need to do a formal resume, you'll just need to bust out your axe and show them some licks and they will be ready to put a sign in the window saying, "GUITAR LESSONS HERE -- REASONABLE PRICE!!" You could even start lower priced, just to get your foot in the door.

 

I'm so excited for you, there are so many possibilities for you! Again, I would kill, myself, (um, not "kill myself", lol!) for some lessons...if you could convince me I wasn't too old!

 

You could then advertise also (or alternatively) for private lessons at your home through a cheap personals newspaper or other publication, such as Craigslist. So you can start even before you get the status of a guitar store in-house teacher thing going. My high school flame (the professor guy now) had students come over to his pad, $25 a pop when he was 17.

 

Ya think?

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All I can do as their mum is speak out and say what I think is best for them as I always have their best interests at heart but at the end of the day, it's their life and I cannot live it for them...they have to live it the way that they want and I have to understand that and support them in their decision. I guess I don't get it.

 

You sound like a great mom, one that many of us (substitute my dad) would have wanted. You "don't get" what? Parents that aren't enlightened enough to understand that their kids HAVE to make up their own minds at the end of the day, and support those decisions, even if it's not what they had in mind? I wish all parents could not imagine the kind of parents that try to mold their kids into THEIR idea, leaving them without a self-identity, terrified of screwing up, and feeling unlovable because of their choices.

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Hello,

Thank you for your kind words and generous advice. I'm sure you know that I am all alone living in a society where money and materialism and all define who we are instead of ourselves defining who we are, despite the tired, inane religious zealots (of all religions, not just christianity) whose plea to crucify the flesh only really preaches to the choir (pardon the pun). I don't know what lies beyond my body, and (for god's sake) I hope my spirit self isn't as ugly, indecisive, cowardly, and introverted as my physical self. Ever since I was a kid, I've been fascinated by death. I wonder why and if things really die and where they go regardless. Sadly, the enemy has already won. The truth is, we live in a cold, mechanistic, placid technocracy run by semi-civilized beasts still operating out of the reptilian brain. Sometimes I think the only way I will ever win is if I cease to exist.... because I didn't wanna be born in the first place. It was (amongst other decisions) something that's already been decided for me, and that's probably my sole defense of the human race.

 

As pessimistic and depressing as my beliefs are, I still wake up each day in hope of some kind of miracle that will get me out of the pathetic microcosm of bone, organ, and tissue which is my life. Sounds pathetic? It's probably the only thing enabling me to wake up in the morning.

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They sound a bit like scifi!

 

But I know what you mean and I've carried those thoughts before.

 

We're all going to die and that's why it's so crucial that we choose to live, really live, while we can. Stand up and smile at the world no matter what happens. Make a choice, 'I am happy' and live with it. Go out into the world with it and you can make positive impacts and changes through the choice to be all that you are, the best of it especially. We have it in us to create magic in the moment but remain guarded because of our boundaries. These boundaries are self made, perceived only in the mind as true, but do not exist. You can reach out to any person, get close to any person, and express yourself to anyone you choose.

 

The first step is choosing, not to hide from what happens to you or what you think is happening to society. we all have what it takes to create happier interactions and that's by caring, by making those closest to us matter. Dont be afraid to rely on someone, or to say simply that you need to. We all pass through this phase...and most do many times in their life. The key is to hold onto what you hope for, to never let the visions you have for your life fade, and most of all, to not fear change or to fear that you yourself may need to be the change, or change. You can reach any goal if enhance your visions and choose not to give up. life consists of conscious choosing but many of us choose unconsciously. You have chosen cynism and that is only digging you into a deeper hole of pain, sorrow and misery instead of enabling to live life to the fullest, while knowing that no day is promised. No years are promised. All we have is now to live.

 

Widen your perception past what's wrong with the world and be part of what's right. be you, the happy you that you can be. I know you can do it. Because I've been where you are before. I understand. I know. I feel it sometimes to. But you have to let pessimism go if you ever want to experience the good. And I know you want to. I know you want to so badly. I'm here for you. -hug- If you haven't been able to tell, we all are.

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They sound a bit like scifi!

 

Thanks, I take influence from David Icke and Bill Hicks... I know a lot of people think they're weird and even dangerous, but they're an inspiration to me... people who aren't (or weren't) afraid to share their beliefs and take a big risk by voicing against the "powers that be", to say at the least.

 

RIP Bill Hicks

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Thanks, I take influence from David Icke and Bill Hicks... I know a lot of people think they're weird and even dangerous, but they're an inspiration to me... people who aren't (or weren't) afraid to share their beliefs and take a big risk by voicing against the "powers that be", to say at the least.

 

RIP Bill Hicks

 

 

My inspirations are... Immaculee Ilibagiza, the Dalai Lama (his book The Art of Happiness is something I recommend to you), Martin Luther King, Gandi, Neale Donald Walsh inspires me, Cameron Diaz because she's ecofriendly, and Angelina Jole because she travels the globe to help people. Also the band Dir En Grey because they really try to convey emotions through their shows even if the songs they sing are sick and darkly. check out the link in my siggy! That's one of their songs from years a go but it's haunting and beautiful and I love it!! Rihanna's song "Umbrella" I love as well. ^_^ Lastly, the Goo Goo Dolls, U2, and Lincoln Park sometimes inspire me. I remember the first book to ever inspire me. It started me as the person I am when I was younger- "Enchantress from the Stars" by Sylvia Endagle. yup!

 

What do you recommend from these two people you mentioned and I'll check it out. I dont know them so I'm not biased.

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What do you recommend from these two people you mentioned and I'll check it out. I dont know them so I'm not biased.

 

I recommend Icke's "Secrets of the Matrix" (if it's still on google video) and for hicks, simply type in "Bill Hicks" in any video search engine.... usually on google video, they tend to have a lot of his full shows if you're lucky enough to find 'em.

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