BoarHog Posted February 27, 2007 Share Posted February 27, 2007 Hi, I'm new here and have been lurking for a bit, trying to read the threads. I'm hoping that starting to post will help me heal the tremendous anguish I am feeling. Hopefully I can help others by posting as well. Here is my story - I'm sorry it is so long. We met through a friend about 16 months ago, and it was love at first sight. The spark was strong as we fell in love within weeks, and we both recognized that our feelings were stronger then anything experienced before After 2 months I got sick with mono - a fairly bad case that had me on disability leave for a further 2 months. My GF took care of me, and did her best to support me while I recovered. Unfortunately, after the physical symptoms of mono had passed, I fell into depression. At first I blamed the mono and the job stresses I was experiencing (promotion year, "up-or-out" career model). I was eating poorly and not taking care of my body, so my libido and well-being sank to rock bottom. My GF continued to stick with me through this tough time, despite the fact that she had her own problems related to school and family. I am a naturally gentle, caring and sensitive person, and I tried to support her as well, but it was so hard when I could barely keep my own head above water. This leads me into the other problem I had. My prior ex girlfriend treated me very badly, toying with my sensitivity and emotions 3 times before I finally managed to break free. As a result, I built barriers to protect myself, and these barriers made it very difficult for me to share my feelings with my new GF. I knew my GF was totally different from my ex, but getting hurt again was something I feared more then death. In my already depressed state, I wasn't strong enough to overcome this fear of opening up, which ultimately led to my current situation. It has been about 10 months since my depression started. I hoped that time would heal me, but it did not. I changed jobs 4 months ago, and while I am happier with my new job, this didn't cure my depression either. Perhaps my biggest problem was that as a formerly strong and proud male, I did not want to admit that I was actually depressed - that it could actually happen to me. 1 month ago, things started to change. I finally acknowledged that I was depressed, and I summoned my remaining strength to begin a recovery. I forced myself to eat better and exercise, and I stopped hating myself. Feelings of well-being were returning, and as I mastered the depression I was working up my courage to share my imprisoned feelings with my always supportive GF. Unfortunately, I ran out of time. The heartbreak occurred in early February. My GF was devastated that after this time, she still didn't really know me. I do not blame her at all for this, because she put so much into the relationship, and my distance was hurting her. While I never treated her badly and we did have many amazing experiences and memories, I was not able to fully reciprocate. Being both gentle people, we never argued or fought during this time. However, this was likely part of the problem because we were not able to effectively communicate our problems, for fear of upsetting the other person. That being said, I recognize that she is a special person and deserved more then what I was giving her, depression or no. We have since talked and seen each other several times (although it's heart rending to meet or talk when we are no longer together), and I am proud of myself because I was able to overcome my fears of opening up. I told her everything from how depressed I was, how afraid I was to share my feelings, and how I want to commit to her into the future. She said that while she loves me, she needs time to think about what she really wants, and also to take care of herself. She was glad I opened up to her, and she told me that she learned more about me in the last hour of talking then in the time leading up to the breakup. I hope that I can show her how much I love her by having the strength to give her the time and space she needs. She is the one I want to commit to and care for, however I am so afraid that she will decide she does not want to see me again. She told me that before we met, she got back together with her prior ex after promises of change, but that it only led to more pain. I truly believe that with love and dedication, we can learn from our mistakes and improve, and I hope she can find a way to believe in this despite her experience with her ex. Right now, I have this burning desire to show her how I am learning and improving, but I hope I can be strong enough to avoid contact. I know it will be difficult, because I want more then anything else in this world for us to reconcile. I will keep this thread up-to-date with any developments. Thank you for reading and for any responses. If anyone wants to hear more details for whatever reason, just ask. I don't want to only "take" from this thread, so allow me to "give" something I have learned. While opening up, and being toyed with or rejected by a GF/BF is painful, it is nothing compared to the agony and regret of losing a Sweetheart due to fear and reluctance. If I could go back and change any one thing, it would be to accept that the previous ex did me a favor by removing herself from my life. I will never let fear of exposing my feelings deter me again, because I know that if it causes pain, then the person does not deserve what I have to offer. Quote Link to comment
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