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ive caved in big time, i think ive ruined my chances now

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for those that dont know... i split with my BF on valentines day. we had a little dissagreement that turned into a huge drunken row with me standing in front of my front door crying and begging him not to go n leave n wrestling with him to stop him going.. then stood in front of his car 2 try n stop him leaving but he crashed into a tree as drove anyway.


i admit i was foolish to act the way i did but it really wasnt me ,,,, every single hysterical epsidoe i have had over the 2 years we were together (not that many) was when i had been drinking alcohol. i admit i had a bit of a problem.. was drinking 2-4 times a week. since splitting up coz he said im a psyco and i need help.. i have given up drink. its been 2 weeks now and i have not touched a drop, i never ever want to be that hysterical person ever again.


i did NC for 7 days but then caved in... mailed him and acted cool n not like i was missing him and he was the one saying he was missing me. we talked about meeting up one sunday very soon to catch up.. i was gonn play it very cool till then and make sure i turned up lookin gorgeous n be really lovely n friendly n make him c what he would be losing.


but after that day.. i just caved in more and i started to ask him to get back together and to be honest .. i have asked him every single day to be with me.

i have gone all needy on him again and i think really really messed up my chances. he has been getting pretty pissed off with me and saying that he dont wanna be with someone who acts like me...

thing is he is so opver-reacting.... he knows that i have only acted hysterical like that when i have been drunk and i asked him if he has ever seen me acting foolish when i havent been drunk but he couldnt answer coz he knows he hasnt. i am a lovely good person that would never cause any1one harm purpously but i think he is just being so stubborn and listening to everyone he knows who now hates me coz of the state of his car (his mum is one of these). he knows i have given up drink but he just said "i will never want to be your BF again". if he knows deep down that i have never acted psyco when i have been sober and he knows i have given up drink then why he feeling so strong about this.


also yesterday he mailed me saying that in the big showdown arguemnt.... i tried to keep him "hostage" in my house?!?!?!?!??!? do u think that is over-reacting a little?? i was nt trying to keep him hostage, i jsut didnt want him to walk out n leave the arguemnt unsorted coz it hurts so bad when he does that. he said "dont say u tried to keep me there coz u love me.. that wasnt love , that was insanity"


i am not insane or a psyco, i was just drunkand never ever act like that at all when i am sober. i feel he is soo blinded by stubborness (he is really stubborn) and everyone he knows who is poisoning his mind against me. i know that they will give him so much greif if he ever comes to see me again now as they all think i am a b***h and tell him he can do a thousand times better then me


i want him so much, i am losing so much weight where i cant eat, i am a total mess and its not getting any easier, im so tired coz i cant sleep.

i went out on saturday night with friends and i was down all night, i just couldnt get him out of my head and enjoy myself, just felt permenantly sick.

i have never been in such a mess in my life.


i havent contacted him since 6pm yesterday, its now 11.20am. think im gonna havta go back to that horrible NC.

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Strictly speaking from a legal sense - if you physically stop someone from leaving that is called 'forcible confinement'. It is unlikely the cops would arrest you for it but they could.


It can be as scary feeling for a man in those circumstances as for a woman because, although he would probably have the strength to physically break away, it is highly likely that it would escalate and he would the one arrested and charged with domestic violence. So it puts him in a very difficult position and many men don't want to risk it happening again.


I think you need to back off for now and give him some time. But be prepared that he may not ever want to patch things up.

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Hi there,


I'm sorry, you're in pain and it's not easy. But to be honest, I think you have to take a deep breath and step back. Read through what you've written:


i have gone all needy on him again and i think really really messed up my chances. he has been getting pretty pissed off with me and saying that he dont wanna be with someone who acts like me...

thing is he is so opver-reacting....


He may or may not be over-reacting (I don't think he is, to be honest), but you have to realise that being so needy is not going to win him back. It's just going to drive him further away, and make him realise that he doesn't want to be with you ever again.


You MUST take a step back. You have to focus on yourself, and think about healing from this, and probably having no contact with him is the best way to go. You may find that you can meet him rationally, but at the moment I think you're driving him further away.


No one has ever been argued into going back with someone - they feel what they feel, regardless of how it seems to you. If you take time out for you, and work on yourself, and not him, then it migth be that he sees the new person. I don't know - I think NC isn't about getting someone back, and I think nothing will make someone come back to you.


But you can try to get over this neediness and dependency, and see how fabulous you are and try to think of new things to do.


Sorry not to be more upbeat, but give your ex space, and don't try to convince him to get back with you.


Good luck!

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Hi there,


CALM DOWN AND BREATH DEEP! All will be ok, you are now panicking and not acting rationally.


Let me ask you first, what was the argument about? Why did you start arguing at first place?


I think the fact that he drove into a tree is a big problem. He was stressed out and not in control. Have you apologised to him? If he is upset about it, you might need to say sorry and let him get over the incident. Pushing him, begging him, crying to him, pleading him will not help you and will only make him feel more upset because right now he is angry. You honestly need to think more of his feelings before yours. Don't blame yourself because it is not abnormal how you have acted, however, you may need to step back a little and give the situation some breathing space.


He is obviously questioning the relationship right now as you have drinking problems. He may be asking himself if he could deal with this all of his life. So if you think alcohol is a big problem for you, why don't you do something about that. Go and solve this problem first before trying to win him back. He will look at you in a different light if you show him that you realise what is causing the problem between you two and you are actually doing something about it.


You cannot force him to be with you or to talk to you or to forgive you. It is his choice to stay away so let him be. Accept it and let it go. He needs some time to himself to get over this.


I would send him a letter and tell him how sorry you are for this and that you hope he is ok. Tell him that you care for him and you are going to try to do something about this alcohol problem and stick to your words and do it. He will trust you again if he sees that you mean it. But show some concern for his well being. Remember that he might have an accident on his way home as he was under such a stress and you did not even ask him if he is fine. You cannot make it all about you and how you feel otherwise he will not care for your feelings.


And don't worry too much. If he loves you and cares for you, he will come back. But stop forcing him into it. Men hate to be pushed and told what to do. That's what my boyfriend says to me.

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i am not insane or a psyco, i was just drunkand never ever act like that at all when i am sober. i feel he is soo blinded by stubborness (he is really stubborn) and everyone he knows who is poisoning his mind against me.


Just a red flag in that section (along with the majority of it).


I think you are trying to justify lust for love. Perhaps you need to let love go.


Dane Cook said "Screw guys, I just wanna dance."


I'd say follow his advice. Escape this drama and clear your head. When you have spent 2 months doing that, return to this post, and look at what you have written, I think you'd be surprised.

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I too agree with the above posters.


But i want to focus on the trace of self-responsibility I hear in your post that is obviously fighting with the hurt and injured side of you.


I have posted about this before - it is a good piece of biology to know.


The place in our brain where our emotions are located is connected to our spine. Meaning, anytime you feel upset, you feel the urge to act, because the spine carries the emotional message to rest of the body.

So it's almost an automatic feeling.

That may be why you feel "it isn't me" feeling.


Well, it is you.

But, you can take control of that part of you.


Hop on Superdave's NC challenge.


This thread is designed to getting you back to that in control feeling.

Read the rules and follow them implicitly.


If you are hoping to get back together with your ex - there is a possible way.

Let go of how much you feel he is overeacting. This may require you to swallow some pride.

Start researching "panic" "co-dependancy" and tips on how to get used to be alone, on the internet. You will need all this information to proceed.


If you are able to write him a letter (I would send it by post) and tell him what you've learned ( it will only take an hour , tops, to get all this info) and that you'd like to start practicing with him.

If he still says no - take a week practicing the tips and write again. If you really practice what you learn from your research, he will notice it in your writing style.


The reason I say all this to you is because you are exceptionally intelligent and can comprehend what you are about to research. It takes an educated and conscious mind to come and ask for advice and support. Many people never do and flail hopelessly for years, trying to manage on their own.


Good luck and keep us posted with your ideas/feelings.

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