Pre_Marrital Problems.

[Desperate_D]

Ok so me and my gf have been dating for over 3 yrs now. and we r gonna b gettin married in a few months time..and we r currently living together as well. we have been living together for the lst 8 months or so. when we first moved intogether we had alot of space problems and we'll glad to tell u guys we made it through tht but now lately the relationship has become very very dull and monotonous.. we hardly tlk like we used to..i dont feel close to her as much as i used to..we seem to be in totally different worlds atm.. and i really want things to be great between us before we get married..i cnt communicate with her at all she always seems to be in a bad mood.. if i bring something up i feel strongly about she jst seems to get more annoyed about things and shuts me out..lately ive started to think about how i really feel about her.. dont get me wrong i still love her but its not the way it used to be..we had alot of problems in the past so now i seem to see her in different light so i dont feel close to her like i used to..im kind of lost in my own world too and when we seemed to have so much in common and so many great things to talk bout now its jst very dull and frankly boring to hang out with her.. these things scare me more cuz i am goin to marry her and i dont want to get into a marriage knowing i dont feel 100% about it..but one more thing i shud mention is that the marriage is no matter wht so i really want to solve all these problems..i hope u guys can help me out..thanks !

[annie24]

oh yikes! welcome to enotalone.

 

I think you should definitely put the marriage on hold and sort out these issues first. I think you two should maybe get premarital counseling, either with a priest or with a counselor, and try to work some of these problems out before proceeding. don't worry about the invites, people, caterers, etc.... they will deal just fine. it is most important that you two sort things out so that you won't be getting a divorce shortly down the road.

 

good luck

[sizzle2028]

dear Desperate,

 

i am sadly to regret that my relationship of almost 3 years had just gone through the exact same thing, lets just say im your soon to be wife and my boyfriend is you. in my situation we have no plans on getting married yet. but in my boyfriends view i was always moody... and i was getting annoyed at everything, and he was starting to rethink the whole relationship. this happened literally 2 days ago. we almost broke up it was insane. and i had to confront him ( i knew something was seriously wrong) because he has no communication skills AT ALL it was very difficult and when he finally told me. and he showed the emotion i have never seen before ( cryin very very much so) ive never seen in our whole relationship it was a huge eye opener. in our case he moved a couple hours away for work and im still in school so we have a long distance relationship so the strain on our relationship is not good. but it can be compared to you first livin together id say... the only advice i can tell you is to really give it too her straight, knock her on the side of the head "physcologically" of course.... u need to sit down and tell her that this is how ur feeling. who cares if she doesnt want to listen, its too bad . relationships are a two way street and if she loves u as much as she says then she will shutup and sit down and listen to you.

 

and if shes anything like the communicaters i know. maybe it will take her a couple of days to realize what she has turned into (no one wants to hear the truth about themselves if it hurts hehe)

 

so because all of this went down... we have become closer, and now we are goin to continue to try to communicate more in the future, i hope this long story helps. i dont know if it will but when i read this it reminded me of what happened with me and my boyfriend the other day. and i had to say something. reply if u want to know more

[annie24]

oh yes, and please, no netspeak! write out words...

[sizzle2028]

sorry about that

[melrich]

I would suggest some pre-marriage counselling as well. Relationships do go through stages and living together means there is a lot of daily routine in your relationship.

 

You two need to work out if your relationship is in decline or this patch is just an adjustment period. The way you are feeling now, I wouldn't be getting married. Sort out your feelings first.

[Leonhart]

Premarital counselling is great. They're paid to help you through that stage in life, so why not take advantage of it? A pastor or minister can be a cheap source of advice, but they tend to know what they're talking about, too.

[pinksheep]

I agree with the premarital counseling idea. My sister and her fiance see their priest every other week and she said their relationship is 125000% better. It's definitely worth a shot, especially if the marriage is 'no matter what'.

[Desperate_D]

thsnks all for the replies. i come from an asian background so the weddin will not b postponed even if i wanted to. its jst not goin to happen. its more like a deadline before which i need to solve all our problems. today i spoke to her bout it n she seems willing to try but i dunno if its me or her or * * * is goin on sometimes

 

i knw for sure she wont agree to councelling..i love her very much so i guess ill try to figure things out with her somehow..

 

ps -sizzle2028 pls continue ur story..sounds alot like me n my gf..go on...

[annie24]

hey desperate D - the netspeak comment was directed at you too please write out words....

 

anyways, what does that mean "you come from an asian background thereforeeee the wedding will not be postponed." I know that many cultures are strict, and you don't want to cause embarrassement to your family by postponing, but I think that getting married to "save face" would be worse in the long run.

 

After all, if you get divorced, then you have lawyers and fees and the same embarrassement there. this marriage is about you and your wife/fiancee, not anyone else. who gives a rat's butt what your mother's cousin's wife thinks about you postponing the wedding?!

 

It's your life, do what you want, but if I were you, i would stay true to myself and not go through with anything if i were unsure. marriage is a big step, one of the biggest steps, and undoing it can be very complicated and difficult! i read somewhere that the average divorce costs $25,000. that's about as much as the average wedding. do you really want to spend $50,000 on a round trip to nowhere? I say, postpone and get counseling.

[shydragonfly2]

Hi, I am pretty new here but have something to offer. I am engaged also and we have had our share of difficulties. Things seem to really be moving in the right direction now, but one thing I did, since my bf will not go to counselling either is, I took a few simple ideas from counselling and asked him to do them in our communication. For instance, no yelling and taking turns to speak and each of us do that mirroring thing, where when the first person says what they wanted to say, the second person repeats what they think you meant so you each know you have been listened to and understood. I also have learned to stand my ground with him without getting emotional about it, like, if he starts yelling, I say calmly but firmly, do not yell at me, we agreed no yelling. It was challenging at first but it seems to be working and we are doing much better now. Hope that is useful!

 

Shy