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Dako said it perfectly... it all just depends on many aspects... some of it may even come down to timing and how you're getting on emotionally, mentally etc. at that point - sometimes we can tolerate more than other times - and sometimes it all adds up and you just have to call it a day.

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yeah, i was going to say, "define crap." are we talking he/she NEVER cleans the house or he/she doesn't care about the kids, or he /she is cheating on you?

 

I don't know..... I guess I would leave once i thought that we had hit a point of no return. irreconcialable problems that not even the world's best therapist could fix.

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cheating would be the highest along with physical abuse. verbal abuse...depends on how bad it was.

 

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how much crap are you willing to put up with before you separate or divorce your spouse?

If the crap were treatment that he'd protect me from if anyone else tried to inflict it (physical abuse, words that crush my spirit, loss of my home, raping me, risking infecting me with an STD without my knowledge and consent, etc.), I'd separate the very first time it happened, even the first time he threatened it.

 

I'd separate while I still loved him, before he had a chance to do something he'd feel like crap about when he regained the ability to control his impulses, before I had a chance to form an image of him as a less of a man than the man I married.

 

I'd leave it in his hands to do whatever it took to regain control over his impulses, his integrity, his compassion. And I'd give him a deadline of a year or two, then divorce him if he wouldn't or couldn't do it.

 

Other crap -- like not keeping the house and toothpaste cap the way I like them, not doing the things I want to do with me, not sharing my opinions on political or religious issues, not dressing the way I think he should dress, etc. -- I would not allow to make me angry or bitter. I'd work around them and focus on the love in our relationship.

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This is a very personal question. So I will answer personally...for me. I left my husband after almost 11 years because I had allowed myself, my thoughts, my actions, my personality to intertwine with his beliefs, etc...He was hateful towards a lot of things, little things that most people would not even notice. He would pick apart everything I did, my friends (wound up losing them all) the way I dressed, cooked...you know I could go on and on but I really have put that behind me. My SELF is back and I am happy and I pray that he is as well. AGAIN, this is MY experience and these are MY feelings.

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I've never been married, but when I DO get married the things that would break the camel's back would be:

*Cheating--I will not tolerate someone who is unfaithful

*Pathological lying--a great relationship is based on trust and honesty

*Abuse--whether it be physical or emotional, I'm too strong-willed to take it.

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that's good jen. but you really can't say that until you are in the situation. it is my understanding that most women put up with it a lot thinking it will stop or get better or they can work on it. why they waste their time waiting for repair, i dunno. that's good you have those things in mind as to when to end.

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that's good jen. but you really can't say that until you are in the situation. it is my understanding that most women put up with it a lot thinking it will stop or get better or they can work on it. why they waste their time waiting for repair, i dunno. that's good you have those things in mind as to when to end.

 

Well, I was in a relationship that was verbally abusive. I gave him one chance. I told him, look, I love you and I care about you but you can not treat me like this. This is your one and only warning.

He did it again, I bailed.

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in my experience once someone does something once, they usually can't stop doing it.

I disagree. Steven Stosny's had significant success even with physical abusers ordered into treatment by the courts. And much of this out-of-control behavior is fueled by addictions, which can also be treated.

 

If a woman (or man) is committed to someone who can't control his or her harmful impulses, tolerating it for a while is the worst possible move.

 

The lack of impulse control can be fixed in most cases, given some motivation, and separation from a spouse is pretty good motivation. The damage to her view of him and his view of himself (or vice versa) if the behavior is repeated will be much, much harder to fix.

 

Many see separation as something to do when you're fed up, but it can also be the most loving thing to do if you want to keep the marriage.

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I am praying and hoping that I take more time in determining whether or not I am compatible with the next person I date.

 

So - my timelines:

If I'm just dating, and someone shows tendencies to be less than what I expect, I'll possibly have a talk with them. If things don't change, I'll move on.

 

Once I find one that seems like I could live with for a lifetime, I plan to live with them for a lifetime. And love them for a lifetime. That includes getting married and staying married to them.

 

I know what I can tolerate. I know my patience is huge and I have enough of it.

 

What I can't tolerate is a person that stays around while Never making an effort. But I think I can tolerate mistakes (even huge ones) as long as they are not repetitive.

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