don't know what to do

[starz4tearz]

I am worried that I’m either becoming dependant or throwing away my relationship with my current partner.

 

In the past I have started in a full on relationship and everything has been fine but then my partners have become so smitten with me that I lose interest - but continue the relationship because I don't want to hurt them.

The last relationship I was in lasted for 3 and a half years, probably 6-10 months of those were happy. I haven't been single ever (over 10 years), as soon as I finish a relationship I find someone else, sometimes I have started seeing other people before breaking off the current relationship. I need to break this cycle otherwise I’m going to destroy this relationship too.

 

I love my current partner - he makes me truly happy. We have only been together for 4 months and things have progressed way too quickly. I feel like I’m following my normal trend which scares me. My partner has never previously been in a serious relationship and the love that he shows for me is stronger than anything I have ever had before. This scares me too. I feel that I am doing something to cause these almost addictive relationships. I feel like I’ve put myself in another relationship because I can't bear to be alone but I also feel like my partner can't cope without me.

 

I have a massive lack in confidence but lately I have been receiving allot more attention than usual, even though I’m happy with my partner I find myself tempted by these other 'proposals'. I have never been more satisfied with anyone so why would I want to play around on him?

 

I approached my partner and told him I wasn't ready for this kind of commitment, that I was scared and needed to be on my own for a bit. It broke his heart. I didn't even last until the end of the day before I was trying to patch things up again - but then the following day I tore him down again.

I know I really love him but I can't let go of these concerns and now I’m hesitant to try and talk to him because I can't keep up this emotional rollercoaster.

 

I know there is no answer to my thread but please post your thoughts and experiences.

 

starz4tearz

 

P.S I've been dealing with depression for around 12 years and believe the relationship issues to be linked to this I haven't been able to resolve any of these problems in the past via therapy or meds - i'm still searching for the trigger event.

[Daligal83]

Even though therapy hasn't helped you with your depression so far, my suggestion is to see someone about your relationships. They can help you work through why you keep repeating the same pattern and help you break that pattern while hopefully maintaining your relationship. It can take awhile to find a therapist that you click with and can help you most effectively, so maybe another shot at it is your best bet.

 

In the meantime, does your partner know about this pattern you have? Maybe if you explain to him how you feel differently about him and you're afraid of repeating the same old pattern, he'll see it different and you guys can take it down a level. He could also support you through therapy and that makes it a better chance of keeping your relationship.

 

I don't know if this makes you feel any better, but the majority of time with guys I would be interested until he showed serious interest in me. Then for some reason I lost complete interest and just wanted him to go away. There are a few times this hasn't happen and two of those have ended up in serious relationships (including the one I'm in now). Just wanted you to know you're not alone.

[NyGentleman]

WOW, sounds exactly what i just went through this weekend with my friend/GF of 2yrs...Look at the above/below post ..Hurting so bad....What you just said made me cringe bc thats exactly what she said to me, although we weren't together that long its still the way she felt, even had some depression issues, this is all to familiar....

 

Although she hasn't been tempted to do something dumb (i don't think) she still told me she was not ready for a serious commitment after telling me 4 days earlier she wanted to be with me, loved me etc....and you have to understand what a huge step that was for us, a friendship of 2yrs up until 6months ago became alot more and than i would say from VDAY on have been the most serious and the most heartbreak ive been through in awhile....

 

Her ex has alot to do with her depression/commitment issues as well as a very unhealthy upbringing (no parents, moving around the country alot etc..)

 

Now my side im completely heartbroken and as of right now am in No contact with her bc of how cold she is acting towards me...its like she was a light bulb when things were good for the 6months we were close (not official) she was on on on...now that light bulb is off, she turned off and i dont understand why or how she could have done that ..its like we never had anything together its just short of saying she might even be bipolar or something....

 

If you need to talk im currently going through this as the guy...you can message me if you want...

 

Take care of yourself, and just be honest in the entire situation, its the best thing you can do for everyone, the more time that goes by the more feelings get in the way....

[starz4tearz]

I have spoken to my bf about the previous relationship issues and my depression issues prior to us becoming so serious - he seems to understand to a point where i'm coming from but there are some things he just can't wrap his head around . I feel like anytime he does something wrong (when it comes to my issues) he should know better and it aggravates me even though i know deep down inside that he can never understand exactly where i'm coming from.

On that note i have never spoken with anyone in depth about my depression issues and i regard the fact that i can talk to my bf about these things very highly. If i am having a panic attack or am just generally stressing i try to make it clear to him that it’s not his fault although sometimes i can’t acknowledge this until after the fact. In other relationships i haven’t cared – i used to just take it out on everyone.

 

I ended up caving and called him again and we talked. We decided that we can only try to see how things go but now i feel like there is a lot of pressure on me bc i know how he feels and i don’t want to lead him on.

He understands how i would want to back away with my previous issues but he admitted that he can't just turn off his feelings now - he doesn't think he can back off. I will talk to him about relationship counselling (the prospect of this kinda scares me too bc it also indicates the seriousness of our relationship).

Again the thought that i'm dependant has crossed my mind - i can't bear the thought of being single / on my own for more then a day but when i'm in a relationship i'm not concerned if i don't see my partner for a few days - i guess it's just the reassurance that i have someone there for me but i'm still worried that i'm making this relationship into something its not because i don't want to be alone (10 years = 3 co-dependant relationships).

 

I have a lot of other stresses in my life currently and right now i feel like curling up in a little ball and forgetting about everyone. I believe that i'm trying to cut all the things that i love / make me happy out of my life so that i can withdraw without as much pain. At the same time i’m worried that maybe this is what i need – to be on my own and assess my previous experiences and resolve any issues that remain.

It frustrates me that i can sit back and assess exactly where i'm at and what i'm doing (emotionally) but then when it comes down to it no amount of reasoning with myself will help me stop stressing.

 

NyGentleman - I feel your pain bc i can see what i'm doing to my bf. I know how stressful it can be to love someone and everything to be all good and then all of a sudden BLAM! you're dating a complete stranger. I'm completely conscious of what i'm doing when i'm tearing my life down around me i'm just helpless to stop. Has your gf brought these issues up with a counsellor or family doctor? If you are concerned that she is Bi-polar then perhaps proper treatment might help (i’ve considered bi-polar as a possibility myself but am yet able to find a doctor committed to helping me)

I'm afraid i can't offer you any advice as to what to do or say to her to make things better but personally i feel that she's being so cold bc she does care about you and is trying to distance herself from you - for me i guess it was just the commitment factor - it was all good until i realised he really wanted something serious out of us, that's when i got scared (although i realise that nothing has or is going to change?? I don’t understand it myself!)

 

I don't know what i'm looking for here - as bad as it sounds i'm reassured to know that i'm not the only one going through this.

[NyGentleman]

Your here for advice, as am I and everyone else..Its the little things that count in this world and anything helps to get through times like these...Everyday I wake up now I am getting stronger....

 

In my case I do no know if she all of a sudden doesnt care for me anymore (that would make no sense what so ever) but did exactly what you are doing, she ran when we became official for the sake of the next level being more commitment oriented..Now whether this has to do with her upbringing or past relationship issues about all the drama, and abuse to some degree and it not working out after some time, who knows..

 

As far as the bipolar, my father had it (he passed sometime ago) and i know the signs and personality changes to look for and well she def expresses some. Things like one day being completely depressed for no reason, not wanting to do much and not wanting to talk to anyone, this includes being in a negative mood, or the opposite ...In our case it came down to her being in a neutral mood and making a wrong decision based on probably the fact that she doesnt know how to handle good things in life, when everything has been so bad...I know it sounds harsh but why resort back to an ex who treated you bad? and why drop the best thing that ever happen to you with a snap of a finger and not look back?

 

Did i mention that now that i havent talkin to her and i saw her the other day..she wrote me an email asking why i didnt say hi , i shouldnt ignore her and that its interesting how i wrote a personal blog on my myspace about life (which describes incidentally our little issue- "Ive realized there are some people out there in this world that stick by your side and than there are others who run away when things get serious") Interesting how someone who wants to walk away from things cares so much now whether of not i say hi and or might be ignoring her. Either its been all a huge game for her (me) or something isnt right with this whole picture, when i change my routine with her for 2 days all of a sudden now im of importance again....see what im saying, its the ups and downs, and i hate to say this to myself and you but something like that may never change...makes me think how she could have been in a past relationship for so long....

 

But look if you read this far than you prob have gone through all this as well being on the other side of things, its not easy for the guy to hear all this and not easy to commit yourself and than pull out either. Some people naturally have a fear of commitment thats normal, whats not is playing with someone's feelings (like my example) saying you love someone, wanting to be with them, being intimate etc.. for the time being and than waking up and walking away from it all without a rhyme or reason behind other than being serious with someone right now is something you cant handle. If i were you i would talk to people get some support behind you, and figure this thing out, but in the mean time space yourself from your bf if thats fees able, trust me you maybe only hurting him more as this thing goes on, especially if your head is not there right now...