is he just scared?

[1coollady]

hey all, just wanted to hear some opinions on this situation i'm in..

i had been with my guy for about 8 months or so and last week we had a long talk, he just wanted us to be less serious. this came out of nowhere.. things were so good with us, a week earlier he had told me that i'm his world, he doesn't ever want to lose me, etc. we are both closer to each other than we've ever been to someone... but last weekend he told me that although he still felt physically & emotionally attracted to me, he "didn't feel the same" (how confusing is that??) and doesn't want a serious relationship right now. he even admitted that he couldn't put into words why he didnt want this anymore. so for a week, we tried to be a less serious couple, no sex, etc. he still called me, asking me to hang out every day and texted me cute things. i went away on friday and saturday on a trip for one of my classes and he texted and called the whole time i was gone. this would have been fine except there was no physical anything, he would hug me and kiss me like i'm his grandma, and that's it. yesterday i was sick and he came over to make me breakfast. we watched tv in my bed and he stayed a good 12 inches away from me the whole time and hugged me goodbye. after the goodbye, i said "you dont even want to kiss me?" he said no, i closed the door. then i ran out to his car and said, "i'm done, you dont want to be with me" he said okay and hugged me for a little while. (there were a few more things said but nothing important... we had done enough talking the weekend before) and that was it.

 

this happened to a friend of mine a few years ago, he broke up w/ his gf for about 2 weeks because he just got scared. he realized he was in love with her and told her this. theyre still together now.

 

i don't want to get my hopes up, but do you think he'll come around? and in the meantime, i don't know whether we should contine hanging out (i'm his best friend and he said he wants me to still be a big part of his life) and talking, or go limited contact for a while. i know i can be his friend, i've done it with exes before, but i don't want him to forget how much better things are when we are a couple, rather than just friends.

[Batya33]

It is safer for you to assume that when he says he doesn't want a relationship he means "with you." I would not give him the privilege of spending time with you as a friend if he does not want a relationship with you, unless you are fine just being friends. He needs to experience what it is like to have you not in his life at all - in order to see if he changes his mind about being ready for a relationship.

 

As far as your friend whose boyfriend got scared of being in love- how serious are they now? How long did it take him to realize that he was just scared?

 

If indeed he is just scared in your case no contact while he is "scared" is the way to go I think - that way he won't get confused by having you available to him with the click of his computer or in person - he needs a clear picture of life without you.

 

If life without you results in him forgetting about you or feeling more distant then unfortunately you have your answer.

 

Also, how long were you dating before you started seeing each other every day? I have found it is better to work up to that gradually - get to know each other at a reasonable pace where you are seeing each other only once or twice a week for the first month or so.

[lessy20]

It is safer for you to assume that when he says he doesn't want a relationship he means "with you." I would not give him the privilege of spending time with you as a friend if he does not want a relationship with you, unless you are fine just being friends. He needs to experience what it is like to have you not in his life at all - in order to see if he changes his mind about being ready for a relationship.

 

I agree 100%. Make him miss you completely, don't be his friend just yet. If a couple of months go by and he still doesn't want to be with you then maybe you could be friends, but for now, I'd make him miss me.

[1coollady]

yeah well originally neither of us wanted a serious relationship.. we're both pretty young (22), but we were too crazy about each other to be just friends and ended up together anyway. we were so good together, rarely argued, not together every single day, but probably like 3 nights a week and sunday mornings. it was definitely enough to feel close but not smothered. and obviously we didnt start out that way, it took a little while to get to that.

 

last weekend he said maybe in the future when he is settled and knows what he's doing with his life, this could work for us.

i think we view relationships differently in that i believe if you have feelings for someone, you should be with them and enjoy them now (you could get hit by a bus tomorrow, ya know?) and he seems to see them as a very long term committment. (not that i don't see a possiblitiy of a future, i could definitely see myself with him for a long time, but i don't like to count on it because things dont always work out the way you hope)

 

and like i said, my friends were apart for about 2 weeks. theyve been together for the last few years, so they are pretty serious now.

 

i just dont see how you can be emotionally & physically attracted to someone and share such a closeness with them, but not want to be with them. unless there is some other serious factor like alcoholism or one person moving far away, etc., which is not the case here..

 

 

oooh another thing, my birthday is in 3 weeks and i really want him to be there, no matter if we're just friends or whatnot. so my no contact time is limited to only a few weeks. i plan on at least having lunch with him a few days before my birthday to catch up so my birthday wont be the first time we've seen each other in a while.

[Stu147]

I agree 100%. Make him miss you completely, don't be his friend just yet. If a couple of months go by and he still doesn't want to be with you then maybe you could be friends, but for now, I'd make him miss me.

 

 

For what it's worth I second those opinions. If you agree to the friends thing he get's the best of both worlds and you get to be in limbo. Not a healthy place for you to be.

 

You have been given sound advice from Batya and Lessy.

 

All the best & take care...

[1coollady]

today he's been texting me from work all day about silly things, like he usually does. i knew this was going to happen. we had always talked about how people come and go in life, and he told me he doesnt want me to be one of those people and how he wants me to always be in his life. he even sent me an email last weekend that alluded to ending this now, while we are still on good terms, rather than having some big dramatic ending, so that we can still be close friends. obviously, this isnt the reason he wanted to be "less serious," but just a supporting excuse because he "doesnt even know why he did what he did" (those were his own words)

 

i also just realized that i mentioned how neither of us wanted to be in a relationship to begin with, but didn't explain why. it's not that either of us likes to be single or date lots of people. on my end it's just that i'm really really busy with school (my major is as demanding as a med student's workload) and my sorority and other engagements and didnt know if i could handle it time-wise. (which ended up not being a problem as i still found plenty of time to be with him) he's always been hesitant about it not being the right time for him. he's graduating next fall, and even though he has plans to stay in our town for a while and work at his internship, he's still very apprehensive about what he's doing after that. (even though thats like 2 or 3 years away from now!) he has this plan of settling down somewhere with a great job and then getting into a relationship. but like i said, these things were present before we began our relationship, we just have such great chemistry that we ultimately ended up together. (and for the record, he started calling me his girlfriend and he was the one who asked me to stay the night and we wound up having sex for the first time... i didn't pressure him to do these things, although i was thrilled that they happened)

 

this is just weird. everyone says he still has feelings for me (he even admitted it himself) and he obviously still wants me in his life, but doesnt want a relationship.. i just dont understand

[Batya33]

Sounds like he is very selfish - he "wants" you to stay in his life but only on his terms. How. . .. considerate.

 

This is what often happens when two people get together casually and then realize they moved too fast and are emotionally attached. Casual dating is fine - flings are fine -as long as both people are honest with each other and with themselves (which is more often the problem!) about what they want and don't want. Sounds like you got attached through early sex and through the whole "girlfriend" label (which he wanted but also wanted no strings attached, hmmm) - and it might be something to consider for next time - treating casual dating as just that - doing activities together once or twice a week and keeping the physical intimacy within manageable boundaries emotionally.

 

It also sounds like he told you in the first place that he didn't want a relationship so that he could have all the benefits of one but once it got too close and the butterflies faded he could leave with an "I told you from the beginning I didn't want a relationship."

 

Good luck!

[1coollady]

thanks for all the replies

 

actually, we waited 3 months to have sex, long enough for us to feel very connected and ready to do it.. there were already plenty of feelings there before sex entered the picture.

i have casually dated in the past, but only with men i knew weren't for me. when this guy and i met and got to know each other, we knew it was something special and rare. we started out casually dating, like most couples do, and after a while, we just wanted to see more and more of each other.

 

today he has contacted me in every way possible. (even though HEs the one that wanted to break up!) i answered his IMs and texts, but not the phone call, and when he asked me to lunch tomorrow, i said no. i think i'm going to go with limited contact for the next 2 weeks and see how things have played out.

 

again, thanks for your input.. if anyone else has ever heard of anything like this, keep the replies coming!

[Batya33]

Of course many if not most couples start out casual - but if one person wants it to progress into something more serious and the other doesn't that is where the goals/values become incompatible.

 

It sounds like you are making excuses for his unwillingness to be in a serious relationship with you and to give you a reason to stay in "limited" contact - won't that be too tempting?

[Mavis VDSande]

I have to agree with what everyone's said here. I think that it's so true that he's not "ready for a rels" really means that he's not "ready for a rels with you".

 

The more you pull away he'll naturally start contacting you more and more. The thing is, is he doing this because he really has feelings for you - as some of your friends are sure of, or is he doing it because he likes the attention you give him?

 

Often guys know exactly what they want - there's no real confusion. They either want you, or they don't. I always believe that if they are "confused", it means they don't know what they want (but obviously don't want you at the time, otherwise they wouldn't be "confused").

 

You mustn't think of what he's said in the past about his plans for the future etc etc. You must think about what you want, and what lies ahead for your future. After all, wait for no man. As Batya33 has said he sounds pretty selfish and inconsiderate.

 

In fact, what if he went out one night and met a girl he just "clicked" with. Just like that. Would you be history? Or would he long to have that sort of connection with you? What does your gut tell you?

 

Sometimes you just have to stand up for yourself and see through the things people say to cushion the blow. After all you can be a strong lady!

[Mavis VDSande]

And btw whatever happens - DO NOT SLEEP WITH HIM! I have made that mistake so many times with my ex, and we even ended up as FWB. Don't go there! I know it's so tempting!!

[shadow34]

I agree with all of the wonderful advice here from the enotalone family

 

My ex was similar but 24 years older than you both, how *fluffed* up is that!

 

When they say they dont want a relationship, they dont want one. They want to spread their wings or some other girls legs to be blunt.

 

It doesnt matter about the connection. I also got the same speech, its not you its me, I just dont feel the same way, I dont know why I dont want to see you its just something I have to do, blah mate the excuses go on and on.

 

Just because you love someone and have a mutual attraction doesnt mean you have to be with them. I have two children and if I loved someone so much, my children still come first. They are just gonna have to wait. Plus there are so many other factors.

 

Maybe he really does care and feelings for you but just feels that he is incomplete within himself as a person and needs to do this self exploration.

 

If you find his texts messages or whatever confusing and also the friendship then I suggest you tell him that in the future you would like to be friends, but while your still in love with him you need to heal and cannot see him or talk to him for a while.

 

If he does love you and want to be with you he will...we can try and understand what they mean but we will never get the answer we want...rarely does anyone.

 

So I would advocate NC and see how that goes..People treat you the way you allow them to treat you hun...

 

Goodluck and do keep us posted

 

Hugs

[Mavis VDSande]

People treat you the way you allow them to treat you hun...

 

I agree 1000%!!! In fact that was a main problem between myself and my ex - we're back together now but it has taken a lot of soul searching on my part and realising that you must respect yourself, in order for your partner to respect you equally.

 

Also to answer your original thread qn, I think in general people "get scared" when they realise they're in a rels they don't want to be in (whether that's for the moment, or for life). People that get scared because "they're so in love" - well I'm quite doubtful of that since it's human nature to long for love and affection (unless they have had bad experiences holding them back).