We had the closure chat last night - I am really upset now

[Steve316]

So, its been a bit of a rollercoaster week for me I have to say. Those of you who read my other threads will know this already.

 

The ex called on Wednesday, we had a great chat, a laugh etc. I have to admit my hopes were briefly raised for the next day or so, but then I woke up on Friday and the realisation that I really shouldn't get my hopes up hit me like a sledgehammer! So, I felt a bit down on Friday, although we still had a couple of e-mails back and forth.

 

Anyway, I went off to the football with my mates on Saturday, a few drinks etc etc, and then about 9.30pm I decided to leave the pub and go home. Walked outside, and there was my ex walking the dog (she lives a few mins round the corner from this pub). I couldn't really ignore her, and I didn't want to so we spoke. She walked me up to the top of the road which took about 15-20 minutes and we chatted all the way. Bear in mind this was the first time we have seen each other since the break up too. When it came to saying goodbye it was really hard, she looked a bit upset too, and we hugged before parting ways. I said I would call her when I got back (I felt like I still had a million things to say).

 

So, we spoke on the phone for 45 minutes when I got home and it started off as just smalltalk before we started talking about the break up and how we were feeling etc. She admitted she had been close to tears when we said bye earlier and that's why she made quite a quick exit, she wasn't prepared for seeing me just yet but I guess fate intervened! Anyway, we were both 100% honest with each other about our feelings, I admitted the friends thing was probably just me kidding myself and she agreed she was still feeling quite 'raw' about the break up so it was weird for her too. However, she was adamant she knew she had made the right decision, and much as it still hurt, she knew it was for the best or it would only happen later on and she couldn't do that to me (if we had a house etc). I pretty much asked her straight out about the 'someone else' factor and she said she was definitely NOT seeing anyone else and the whole idea of another relationship just now was crazy. She was not lying about it in my honest opinion. Anyway, I told her she would always have a place in my heart and she said I would in hers too. As for the future (which I also mentioned), she said she couldn't really see anything happening, but you could never tell what would happen. She didn't say she would definitely never go out with me again, but thought it unlikely as anything could happen in the coming months and years. Of course, she is right. In the end, we agreed it was too soon to really be friends, and I said we both needed time to heal and get through it.

 

So, it was amicable, it was closure, it was respectful, and heartfelt. I have to admit though, I do feel like I have taken a big step backwards, and am really upset today. The thought of not speaking to her for a long time is almost unbearable and the fact we have parted on such good terms in the end makes it even harder in many ways.

 

But, I guess I have to greatful that the 'hope' thing wasn't dragged out for weeks and months or else it could have been an even bigger setback...

[Steve316]

Nobody?

 

Could use some advice and support right now people, have been crying most of the day now

[Zaphod]

The crying and being upset is healthy.

It's finite - bear with it. It'll strengthen you.

 

Sounds like you had a fairly amicable healthy split with this girl compared to most on this forum - need to get on with your life now.

[Zaphod]

Oh another thing - just remember the push-pull theory a bit. Whatever happens now or in the future, you need to pull right back now. For your own sake as much as anythign else.

[never-too-late]

Hello there! Sorry that we left you in the dark the whole day.

 

I think it seems to me that the relationship is over. To say that one day you might get back together is only to make it easier for you! Please listen to me now. My boyfriend broke up with me in Feb 2005. I was distraught. It was awful, I was so hurt, I could not even get up from my own bed. He did not want to hurt me so he kept telling me "for now, we are broken up but maybe one day we will get back together becasue I still like you". I was devastated. How could I know when is it going to be happen. I was crying, hurting for about 4 months, could not do anything, i could not concentrate on anything, I did not want the relationship to be over. I think he was ready to let me go as we had a long-distance relationship but in his heart he still loved me too much to close the door behind him completely. But it was hurting me even more, not knowing, waiting, worrying that he will meet someone else while I was waiting for him.

 

So one day I decided that if he really wants to be with me, he will come back but I need to do what's best for me. I suddenly felt so powerful and I started to take care of myself. I started to go out with friends, I was no longer waiting for him to call me and so on. And it worked so well. I started to feel attractive again. I still loved him and I knew in my heart that I was ready to take him back but I stopped being miserable. And you know what, he noticed and he realised that he did not want to loose me.. and he came back.

 

The point is that you need to stop worrying about it. She decided to let you go. She decided to give up on you and your relationship. There is absolutely nothing you can do to change that. You need to now love yourself and protect your own heart. It's the hardest thing to do but if I were you, I would stop contacting her, stop answering her emails, stop being there. Go out and don't waste anymore time on this. It will not bring you anything anyway. If she loves you and she wants you back and she wants to give it a try, she will find you!!! Believe me.

 

So go to the gym, meet your friends, go and buy yourself some new clothes, make yourself attractive, go out dancing.. I am not saying jump straight into a new relationship but do not sit at home crying over this. She will notice the change and I am telling you women love challenge, they love a man who is not available, they love a man who is strong!!

 

If you need more help, we are here.

 

You see my boyfriend and I are still together but we are now having problems again, almost leading to another break up, if you see my post under "where is he when I need him". It's painful to be loosing the person you love but what can we do about it? I realised maybe late that pushing them and asking them is not the way. Not contacting them and conncentrating on our lives it's the way. Let's do it together. I need to learn that too!! I am in a very similar situation as you, it's just that I am still in a relationship with my boyfriend.

 

So be strong!!! You can do it!! Maybe do something for others, it always helps. Organise a party for your friends. When was the last time you did something for them! It will be fun and you will slowly recognise that you have people around you who mean so much to you and who care for you! and it will make you feel better.

[Steve316]

What she was really saying was "never say never" but it definitely was not "we'll maybe get back together". She seemed to think that too much had gone on between us for that to happen (I'm not sure what she refers to as there were very few bad times? Maybe she just mean re: the whole thing) but she also said if we had both changed and our paths crossed then you can never tell. Anyhow, what she didn't leave me with was false hope, so I don't really have any (there is still that crazy hope that ONE DAY something will happen) and now have to move on.

 

Day 1 of NC has been hard, and I have almost caved a few times already. I'm not sure how long it should go on for? I have read maybe 60 days but I don't know? I suppose everyone is different in that regard. I don't know how well I will be able to keep it up if I am totally honest.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I am sorry you are in so much pain... it is always very hard when you re-contact someone you recently broke up with, because it brings all the feelings and loss to the surface.

 

So it is very normal for you to cry now, especially since you both confirmed that this is a real breakup and shouldn't see one another. So it will be a grieving period for you, but it is good that you are crying to release a lot of the emotion.

 

Grief is one of the stages of getting better, usually following the shock and denial that is happening, so though it doesn't feel like it today, you are on the way to healing. Once you are cried out and are able to talk, please call any friends you have for support, to get together and talk a bit, and maybe go out and get something to eat.

 

Please don't neglect your health right now, and try to get food and sleep and some exercise in, even if only walking in a park, because that helps balance brain chemistry and prevent a serious depression settling in.

 

Time is the healer, but it takes its own sweet time! that part is annoying, because you can't skip over the healing period, you must go through it, but try to be kind to yourself while that is happening. Watch some comedies on TV or films, because laughter does help heal, even if it is interspersed with your grieving.

 

The bad thing about closure is it hurts very much when you first realize it is really over, but the great thing is that that is the beginning of getting better, because you can put things to rest and accept things and move on with your life.

 

Best of luck, let us know how you are doing!

[BeStrongBeHappy]

btw, i think you should remind yourself that NC is about allowing you to heal and not re-opening a fresh wound. You feel so badly today because you have just contacted her again, and though you crave that contact, you will just be re-wounding yourself again and again with each contact.

 

sometimes you can't help yourself, but i think you will recognize this after a few times, that your temporary contact 'fix' does not get you any closer to being back together, and makes you feel worse rather than better when you hang up the phone, since nothing has changed and you are still broken up. it is like a hangover, where it seemed like a good idea at the time, but you pay in spades after it is over.

[blender]

NC is done only "one day at a time" so just for today you make a promise to yourself to have the "grace, dignity, and selfrespect" to cry yourself through this, and let go with love.. it's so deeply painful, I know, we've all been there, but you are strong, and the "feelings" are different than the "facts".

 

The "feelings" of never getting over this, feeling a desperate need to get a fix of "contact" thinking it will somehow make it all better, feeling that you won't find this kind of love again.. those are "feelings" not "facts".

 

The FACT is, you will grow past all this, you will heal, you will find love again, you will regain your sense of self, you will gain a re-newed self confidence, you will feel empowered by going "no contact" one day at a time, and you will survive and thrive.... the FACT is YOU will be fine, even better, it just takes time, tears, acceptance, writing it all out, venting here on the site, one step at a time...

 

I'm sorry you are hurting so deeply, and yes when you originally told us "contact and feeling quite good".. we've all been there, and it's sometimes the "closure" we need in order to fully start the healing process.. and yes, "never say never"... who knows what the future holds, as sure as she is now about "moving on'... those feelings can change... your both on your own life journey, and FATE has a way of setting us on the right path, even if it means walking through some painful heartache.. it's all about "acceptance".. that FATE is nudging YOU in a new direction to what is "more right, more fulfilling and wonderful for YOU".

[Steve316]

I feel like I have already been through everything you mention above, and I have now kind of come full circle and am back at the 'grief' stage again.

 

I don't think I am quite as bad as I was in the first few days. I was feeling how I am now, as well as thinking about the "what if's", "if only..." and had a lot of regrets and questions too. Now, after speaking with her, I really don't have any unanswered questions, and I know also that she still cares about me, and probably always will 'care' to a certain degree, and that's more comforting than the paranoid thoughts I had before ("she's forgotten me", "she doesn't care", "she's laughing at me") so I do have that to hold onto.

 

I have already started going to the gym and I will keep that up. I reckon if I can lose some weight (gained mainly during the relationship where staying in with takeaway happened often! ) then I will regain some much needed confidence in myself and feel 'attractive' again...

[GoSox07]

Steve,

 

You're situation is the mirror-image of my own (very amicable split, no fighting, no one else involved, lots of tears). In some ways, I think that this makes it more difficult to get over. I want to be angry, feel used, find a reason to hate my ex, but I can't.

 

As for being back at the grief stage, this is to be expected. I'm all over the place with respect to them. One day it'll be grief, the next day back at denial. Just try to keep yourself busy - the first 3 weeks are the worst (I'm on week 4 right now and it's been a little better). I'm trying to do the whole NC thing, so we'll see where that takes me. Just get through it, man!

[Pisces_Princess]

Hi Steve,

 

Again I am another person in a similar situation, even down to the fact that he's Scottish too!

 

4 months ago my boyfriend of 2 years (living together 1) asked me to move out. Heard all the 'it's not you, it's me' 'I need space' etc but basically the relationship for him was just over, simple as that.

 

We carried on with the hope thing for a couple of months, I think he just wanted to get me through Christmas/New Year as I kept begging him to reconsider and my friends and family were concerned for my health at this point.

 

I eventually realised that I wasn't going home to him, so started to look for my own place. In January we had a long conversation (which is almost exactly the same conversation that you had with your ex) and he told me he had made the right decision. He tried to talk me into a friendship, but I think that was more a way of him coming to terms with the guilt he felt at the pain he had caused somebody, that at one time he had loved very deeply.

 

It was hard on me as there was no break-down of the relationship and no warning signs. I thought we were happy and in love and looking forward to a future together, but he didn't feel like that. He isn't dating anybody else and he tells our mutual friends that he still loves me, but would rather be on his own.

 

I like you feel too raw for a friendship right now, and so I joined the 'No Contact Challenge' on the 'getting back together' board, the 'challenge' is for 30 days no contact. Perhaps you could have a look at this and see if you could post on there. Each day we all post about our thoughts and feelings, if we fall off the waggon we admit that too!

 

I am 25 days in and I have good days and really bad days, but I am still here! Believe me I was so depressed and crushed when we split up I was suicidal. But time, therapy and my wonderful friends and family have seen me through this. I thought I was going to literally die of a broken heart, but something inside gives you the strength to carry on.

 

I am nowhere near over him. There are days when I could just curl up in a ball and cry myself to sleep, but I force myself to do something, anything just to take my mind off the situation.

 

Please keep posting, please know that you are not alone and that there are lots of us out there who are broken hearted, but healing xxx

[Steve316]

Well,

 

I have reached the end of day 2 of NC. It's been pretty tough today, although I didn't have the urge to contact...mainly because I don't know what I would say.

 

I feel that I need to send her a message to wish her luck on Friday though. It's not something I can really talk about on here, but I think if people knew what she was going to do they could possibly excuse me breaking NC. It is only to send a text, and without expectation of reply. I think it would be rude of me in this particular case not to say anything.

 

I feel ok-ish, just now although this morning was hard. For me, tired = emotional = bad mood in the mornings.

[blender]

there is most likely "no healthy reason" for YOU to send an "good luck text".. it's not the time for you to make any contact. No matter what the "occasion" it's best for YOU right now to get busy with your own life, not to send a text that clearly indicates that you are "thinking about her".. in any way.. but of course only you can decide what is best for you,

 

just make sure your not giving into an "urge to be the good guy"... because sending her text about "good luck" does not "define you as a good guy", you are ALREADY A GOOD GUY, who she has made a choice to not be involved with intimately at this time.. so take care of you, send a text to YOURSELF, that says, "let go and let god"...

 

It may prove more effective in your own healing to NOT send any text to her, and when we do NOT show up or text, or email, or contact the ex, it usually makes them "think about us" a bit more than they would if they received the "predictible good person contact" because they don't really view it as such, they usually just think.."aw, they are still thinking of me, poor thing".... but honestly I don't know what she might "think".. so you do what is best for you..

 

yes, do what is BEST FOR YOU.. and what makes you FEEL GOOD IN YOUR OWN HEART, regardless of how she might or might not react to it... but be HONEST with yourself, that you will be okay, if she does not respond, or if she does do so in just a lite and polite way of saying "thanks"... just make sure you consider this emotionally all the way through before re-acting to your "feelings' in the moment... will you honestly feel good about yourself..that's the question to answer, then you'll know if you should send a text or not...

[Steve316]

Honestly, I will feel 'good'. In the circumstances, I think she would probably be upset if I said nothing. Maybe I shouldn't care about that but as I have said, we don't have negative feelings for each other. The thing that she has to do Friday is something I have supported her through in the past and I genuinely hope she is ok, hence the text.

 

I'm not sure she will reply and I'm not doing it to get a reply, it's really just to let her know I am thinking of her (at that time) and I hope it goes ok.

[blender]

Well, you do what is best for you, but she already knows you are "thinking of her and that there are no negative feelings"... and she's asked for space, but she's NOT asking for "contact".. she is NOT contacting you... so just be honest with yourself as to "why" you are texting her...

 

Because even if she does reply, it usually leaves us a bit disappointed when the reply is simply "polite" or even worse we "read into it" as "hope" or "not enough" or whatever, it can send you reeling emotionally... so if you want a different "emotional result" then you have to be willing to do things "differently" and sometimes it means changing our "thought pattern" regarding the ex....

 

How would you feel if you didn't text her, and the day passed, and you didn't hear from her, she didn't make a choice to share her "result or story" of the day with you out of her own choice to do so? Does that mean she doesn't contact you because there are "negative feelings or she's a bad person".. NO, it just means she's making a choice to have space, respect the breakup, have her independence and to be busy with her own life..right? So just know that you also have this empowering choice as well.

[Steve316]

In this particular circumstance, I would feel bad about not texting. That's why I feel I have to.

 

Also, it was me in the end who asked for the space / no contact.

 

I know she will appreciate the gesture - it is not a tool to try and get her to change her feelings towards me.

[blender]

Before I reply to your last post here, I just want to share with you my deepest empathy for how you are feeling, and why you want to text her, I so totally get it, I really understand and feel for you on every emotional level.

 

I remember when an ex had a big occasion coming up, one that we shared the build up to.. but my gift to him was to "not" send a message of "good luck"... because my heart was still too vulnerable and my sincere authentic reason for "wanting to text" him was really about me not wanting to "let go"... and not honestly and authentically just because I knew or wanted him to "appreciate the gesture"... convincing myself of this well, that would have been lying to myself..

 

but respectfully you might be in a different emotional place than I was at the time, but through therapy I did ask myself some honest questions and answered them as honestly as I could.

 

So if you asked for "space/no contact" why would you yourself go against your own self respecting choice?

 

And as much as she "might appreciate" the "gesture" of contact, in all seriousness and reality, she might also respect when she does NOT hear from you to actually realize you mean what you say, and she can then appreciate you standing by your own request of "space/no contact" as well. Right?

 

You can make a choice about what is "authentic for you to do" and the difference between that and what could be an "emotional reaction to choose to "send a text" because if you don't you are feeling like you might be letting go". But, again, "letting go" is the most healing, attractive thing to do... especially if you asked for "space/no contact" yourself... stand by this choice, self respecting choice...

 

I feel for you, I know how much you want to be in a loving contact of a simple "good luck" to her, but then what is she to think of your request of "no contact': What does this "gesture" on your part imply?

 

Does this mean you didn't mean it?

or that you want to be "friends"? or that she can contact you casually as well?

What "authentic message" do you wish to convey by sending her a "good luck"?

Is it okay for YOU to violate your own request of "space/no contact" but she can not do so as well?

 

Remembering the most self respecting thing for you to do is stand by your own values/words you expressed, or you run the risk of your own words losing thier "authentic meaning".

 

Asking yourself these questions will set you free to feel good about your choice... I feel for you, I really do.. best, Blender

[need2bme]

Blender, I think I love you.

 

That could not have been written any better.

 

Steve, my brother in pain, I too can feel everything that you are feeling. We need space, but how will they know you care, right?

 

So, do what you said you would. I would agree that if this is life threatening or some type of operation, then contact might be nice. Otherwise, stick to your word.

 

It is all we have really and what teaches others what kind of people we really are.

 

Don Miguel Ruiz, in his book "The Four Agreemnets" states that one of them is to "be impeccable with your word".

 

Good luck.

[Steve316]

One thing she did say is we should probably let each other know any 'important' news you know?

 

This particular thing, while not life threatening, will be pretty hard for her to go through and I think a 'I hope everything goes well for you today' text would suffice, and be genuinely appreciated rather than regarded as any kind of hidden agenda.

 

I think she would be surprised if I didn't say anything, and not in a good way that would make her think "oh he's moved on" but in a bad way of "he's being difficult" or similar.

 

maybe I am rambling but I think a short text is what I will do.

[need2bme]

Do what is in your heart Steve. Only you can make yourself happy, brother!

[blender]

It seems you've discovered what is right for you to do...it is genuine, and from your heart. best, blender

[Steve316]

Ok, NC broken again, BUT, I don't feel bad about it, and I don't feel like I have taken a step back, sideways perhaps, but not back.

 

I sent the text just saying 'Hope everything goes well for you today' and then in work a couple of hours later I got an e-mail from her saying 'Thanks for the text. I really appreciate the fact that you remembered and thought to text. Will text you and let you know how it goes. x'. So, quite a nice reply and I am glad she appreciated the gesture. I replied just saying something like I knew she would be worried about it so thought a good luck message wouldn't go amiss.

 

Anyway, she then CALLED me later on (almost felt like NC wasn't broken if we didn't speak) and just basically let me know how things went and again thanked me for the text. Maybe a minute of other smalltalk and then we said bye with her saying 'speak to you soon'.

 

So, that was that, no big deal, no mixed messages and overall I am glad to know she knows I am a nice person and glad she is ok after today.

 

The end...

[blender]

Thanks for the update Steve316, now hopefully you can let go, it won't be easy, but at least you know you did what you thought was right... now take care of yourself, do things for you, set your own goals, even if they are just small ones to the road of re-gaining your emotional independence from her.. it's the healthiest, most healing thing to do, especially so you can love again...and it might even be the ex..but it takes some time of "no contact" to re-discover yourself, and for her to maybe discover authentic feelings in the long run.. rest easy, take care of you for today. best, blender

[Gracelove]

Wow, I'm really so very sorry.

I know how it feels when someone breaks up with you while you still really want to be in the relationship.

The only thing I can really offer you is hope. You'll have another relationship in the future, a better one, and you'll be well over this heartbreak.

As for now, grieve, take the time to do that for yourself. Go out with friends.

I personally don't like being around people when I'm sad so they usually have to drag me out, but I always have fun.

Don't feel pressured to rush and get over it. Take your time.

Send her an e-mail telling her exactly how you feel, it'll make you feel a lot better.

If you're in pain and you're not really happy about the relationship, say so, it's okay.

If you love her desperately, still, let her know.

And let her know that you're just saying what's on your heart and that she doesn't have to feel obligated to do anything as a result of your letter.

Love is very powerful. And you can hold on to your love for her until you feel ready to let it go.

It takes time to move on from certain things. You'll be okay.