Wish I could read his mind

[savoie]

im so frustrated right now. drinking wine with my best friend last night is not helping the mood today!

 

the ex and i had a forced conversation last night because of a financial situation that needs to be resolved. he told me 3 weeks ago that he would have it taken care of by now - but it is still hanging. this is the last of the issues to be squared away between us so i am anxious to be done with it. i hate the communication about this stuff!!! one of our problems in the relationship was the way he put things off. he is doing it once again and, to avoid further delay, i am doing what he should be doing himself! classic enabler i am right now. but the reality is - if i leave it to him it will delay the filing of my taxes. he knows this and promises that he will sign off this week - after i have done the work i offered to do - i know my fault.

 

it just sucks because the conversation went from business to how are you....how was your trip, how is your family, work, etc. i asked the same of him in return. he replied "work sucks and beyond insanely busy" "but i bought a new boat" and "i booked a trip to kona in may to visit friends (a married couple) and to go solo camping. he then went on to tell me his plans for that night and for the weekend - which included lots of fun and friends. i certainly got the impression that he is not dating anyone - but the conversation was painfully without feeling - on both our parts.

 

we will be talking again early next week to wrap the financial deal up. i guess what bothers me the most is the fact that i don't sense that he misses me at all - not like i did a couple of weeks ago. it's weird because deep down i think that i know he does. he even joined my gym.........my Smilies membership is on hold though and it is close to his work. so trying not to read too far into that one!

 

its a bummer - i really thought that he would continue to keep the door open between us. he seems really happy - although he said he isnt sleeping and is highly stressed - but things seem to be going well for him which i am happy for.

 

argh - i hate this. wish i knew how he felt right now. time will tell i suppose - its still all very fresh and the bottom line is time is what it takes where our problem is concerned. jsut wish i had a crystal ball.

[savoie]

thank you ellie. legally he is responsible for drawing up the paperwork. but i did it yesterday. it was due 6 weeks ago but he has been crazed with work so i am trying to understand - but i am annoyed! i am going to drop it at his office this morning - he isn't there. all he needs to do is sign it and get it back to me. im at fault for enabling him in this fashion - he blew it off and here i am to "fix" it...........but it is to my advantage to do this.

 

i just hated having to ask him for something at this stage - and in the end i am doing it for him. maybe you are right and it is something in him that will not change. maybe it is a sign that he is always going to be living in a semi-chaotic state. made me so uncomfortable.

 

anyway - thank you again ellie - today i am going to keep busy. i've been thikning of him and us way too much this weekend........such a waste of time!

[savoie]

thank you shiva. im sorry for what you are going through too. i dropped off the stuff at his office - and sent an email addressing what needs to be done.

he has the option to leave the paperwork while i am not here. so we may not have to further discuss or even see each other.

 

at the end of the email, i told him that i was thinking about him and that i was glad that things seem to be going better for him.

 

i feel better now that part of it is done. just going to his office bothered me......i know "drama queen".

 

i have a ton of stuff to do today - so i am going to try to stay focused - if i spend too much time here - i start feeling sorry for myself again. its weird how i can find comfort in this sadness!

 

i have one thing to comment on that is soooooo very strange. my bf prior to this relationship and i are still very good friends. we live very far from one another now and up until the relationships that we both are in (or were) we sort of held on to each other - hoping to figure something out. we both met other people at exactly the same time........and never really had that final letting go discussion. it just went from - "i miss you" to "what is he/she like". it was very awkward....but we both were excited about our new loves.

and happy for the other.

 

he has recently taken a big interest in my situation since i split with my bf. he calls to see how i am doing - very frequently - and gives me pep talks. he really cares and it means so much to me that he takes the time to do that. oddly enough - as i am going through the emotions of my recent split - he and i have been resolving stuff that we never finished. the conversations have been very honest but loving at the same time. so - i am dealing with stuff that occurred in both relationships. my head is spinning! but i think it is the healthy thing to do. clarity!

[savoie]

thank you so much for your warm words sheva. i must tell you, if english is your second language - you write beautifully! you mentioned that you are italian - how i wish i had mastered another language as well as you have!

 

my former ex and i are definitely not contemplating a reunion. it just simply cannot be because of family obligations on both part in 3000 miles a part. it is just too much of a sacrifice and heart break to be together. but who knows - we joke about meeting in cabo when we are old.

 

thank you for sharing your experience with me. it is sadness and pain that brings us here - and while none of us share the same story - often times the hurt is very similar. how awful it must have been for you to experience this woman - his mother. it is apparent that you care so much for your ex - hopefully we can eventually sort through the pressure put on him by a mother like this. i think it can be hard for people to respect the opposite sex when their role model is such a poor example. interferring and i would guess probably fairly demanding and controlling too - is she? probably where he gets it from. if he was neglected as a child it is possible he very confused about what he wants in a woman. he automatically is inclined toward what is familiar but, and maybe even unknowingly, wants soo much more - but doesn't know how to ask.

 

but you know what - it could take alot of patience and work on your part to see him through his issues. the bottom line is if you don't like what is in front of you - you need to move on - 90% of the time people don't change that much. you sound like a good hearted and warm person. when you love from your heart and give 100% of yourself, you deserve more than someone who shows anything less than adoration for you!

 

a friend told me friday night - when you find that mutual adoration with someone - MARRY THEM!

[Shiva 2007]

Thank you savoie for your reply or "Grazie savoie per la tua risposta", and thanks for the compliment about the mastering of two languages, what's funny though is that often I feel as though I need to take english grammar courses to better express myself in writing. Funny but distance for me would not keep me apart if I found true love. I guess I have always moved, first from italy to NY, then while still dancing professionally, I moved to Tulsa OK, and then to Boston, MA, finally back here in NY. So who knows where my future takes me next.

Yes, savoie - I believe that the hurt is very similar, and I always reach out to someone who is hurt, I've been hurt since childhood, and maybe this too is very common; his mother is very dimanding and controlling, I truly feel for him, he was practically abandoned by his mom, and sent to a military school to appease herself and remarry. In my culture a woman who would do this with their child would be the talk of the town. I just cannot believe this behavior is possible in mothers, who decide to have children. My mother (who is very ill) is still calling me practically every day to ask me if there is anything I need. At times I complain about that because I'm 39 years old, but deep down I know that if I ever got myself into trouble she would be there rescuing me, not abandoning me.

I have many regrets, mostly because I fault myself for not being the woman that could bring the best out of him. Because there is good somewhere in him, at least I know I saw it when we were not yet together, when my heart was already racing for him; once we started a relationship it went all downhill.

I like what your friend told you and yes I would marry immediatelly someone if I would find and sense that mutual adoration.

Thanks again.

[savoie]

Grazie sheva per la tua risposta! my first italiano sentence! don't worry about your grammar - mine is atrocious when it comes to message boards!

 

ok - first of all if that was YOU in the picture with your puppy - and i seriously mean this - i thought you were 18 maybe 20 max!!!! you have taken incredibly good care of yourself! i am not far from your age and while i think i look great - i don't look 20! what kind of dance do you do?

 

how long did you live in boston? without going into alot of detail - i lived on the cape - near truro. i am a california native so boy did i feel like a fish out of water. but you must be able to relate to cultural differences.

 

i am so sorry to hear that your mom is very ill. i hope that it isn't something serious. ((((((shiva and mom))))))) - thats a hug for you both. what is wrong with her? is she in italy? isn't wonderful to have parents who love us in this way.

 

but you have to know - that yes sometimes we can bring out the best in people - but if we don't - that doesn't say anything about us as people. there are too many variables involved when dealing with people who have significant issues. timing is a huge one.

 

i am sooo jealous you live in NY. it has always been a dream of mine to spend a year in manhatten..........soho. so much excitement!

[savoie]

i am sorry that your mom and you are going through this - she is so lucky to have you there. familial support is so important to illness. living in NY i imagine that she has access to cutting edge treatment. that too makes a tremendous difference. but chemo is tough - no matter how you look at it and, oh dear - a year of it. i send many prayers and positive energy your way.

 

how cool what you do for work. i so admire the ballet. i like your sense of humor - i am totally guessing but i bet that Balanchine's Sonnanbula has something to do with sleep!???!!

 

i live in boulder colorado. love it - came here for school........but will eventually return to northern cal where i am from. probably in the next couple of years.

 

i could easily google park slope - you seem cool and hip - so i am sure that it is but i have never heard of it before.

 

by the way - what did you decide to do about the music man?

 

edited to add that i just googled park slope and it showed a picture..........how cool! not far from the city - but cool brownstone neighborhoods.......love it!

[savoie]

oh no - i finished school long ago.......i left boulder a couple of times since i graduated - BA in Psych. i am now working for a law firm recent career change from sales and marketing.......so the psych degree comes in handy..

 

house sounds like a funny show - but i have never heard of it!

 

i am seriously starting to fade....and i am two hours behind you! thank you for the conversation tonight - i must be up at 6am....so to bed i go. hope to chat with you again soon!

 

oh - i did read your initial posts - i am so sorry for the pain this VERY GROWN MAN has caused you. i hope that you can get past this - but i do know that it will take time. i hope that you put yourself first right now - you have alot on your plate.......lets do something nice for ourselves this week! whether it is a breath of fresh air, some fresh spring flowers, a pedicure, a bubble bath, massage......you get the picture. you are a beautiful woman - and seem very genuine - you deserve the same.

 

im glad the music man is a no go. it is only my opinion but he sounded like trouble to me.

 

ok - have a wonderful evening........stay warm in spite of all the snow......and hope to chat with you again soon. thanks for all the kind words this weekend!

 

ciao lapi!!??

[savoie]

well - he called tonight and promised to have the documents to me tomorrow. we chatted a bit too. as always, he seems to show an interest - as he always asks how things are with me. i know that he means it.

 

i feel kind of bad - holding onto the same expectations of him - and getting disappointed. in the scheme of things, in this life where we must embrace everything good because it could be gone tomorrow - why do i let such petty things get to me? why do i put the focus on something like that - instead of thinking about how i can spend my next visit with my 87yo grandmother?

 

i seriously need to change my way of thinking. yeah - i know i am going through a breakup and that sucks - but the reality in my relationship is that he really is a very good guy. he just does thing differently than i do. i need to learn to be more tolerant, patient and kick myself in the butt when i find myself getting annoyed by people. who am i to judge?????? why do some people bug me so much????? i am far from perfect.........i would probably bug myself if there were two of me.

[savoie]

"Angels fly because they take themselves lightly"

 

can i fly if i am eating a pint of haagen-daz? oy - i hope that you are doing better shiva. i am ok - but it has been a strange day.

 

he called early evening - up in mood and finished the documents that i need. since he was going to be dropping them by tonight - i said to ring me so that we could at least say hello. ( i had given him the option to come by during the day while i was i work)

 

anyway - when i answered the door - i could see that his car was running - with the lights on. i was going to at least invite him in for a beer or glass of wine.......but it was apparent he hadn't intended on staying.

 

we chatted a few minutes outside - had a hug - he went on his way.

 

so i guess that was it. i am thinking to myself i may never hear from him again. something tells me that he will call - but at the same time - wait - "another scoop of ice cream" - i think if he was going to make an effort towards me and for us he would have engaged with me tonight. sigh.

 

i am a true believer of what is meant to be is meant to be - i know that there is something else out there if he isn't the person i am destined to be with. but i can't help but wonder - what if we let that person go? "another scoop" nothing ice cream can't solve!

[savoie]

thank you for the kind words sheva. i suppose the reality will hit me in a few days or maybe in a week. i am ok tonight - especially after all of the ice cream - chocolate covered almond vanilla. but i get many conflicted vibes from him. but you know what - he has not suggested hanging out, he has not suggested getting back together, his actions have not said that he wants ANYTHING from me. it is only my gut that tells me otherwise. even if it is there for me - he is working hard at hiding it from me. that says alot. i can't continue to analyze my gut feelings. it is what it is - and he is not pursuing me. sucks.

 

how are you? are you spinning from the conversation with your ex? i hope you are doing better tonight - and good for you treating yourself this week to flowers and a massage. i think i will do the same in a few days.

 

going to bed but thank you again. will chat with you again soon.

 

 

[bacci]

I feel like I'm intruding because this seems like a conversation between two friends that i'm eavesdropping or something... but I had to make a comment, I think it is the right call for you to trust your gut feeling.

He might not want to rush into anything at this point, he is definitely feeling some pain, coming into your house sharing a drink would seem to scary, risky. He's processing, just as you are. The great gift of your conversations with your former ex is that it has brought to your awareness unresolved issues, patterns that need to be adressed. Depending on how these are resolved ( this applies to your actual ex as well) the dynamics of the relationship might change as you change , as you integrate what you've learned about yourself, who knows what that would bring to your experience.

Last but not least, thanks to both of you for your refreshing honesty and warm kindness to each other, it spreads like a healing balm. And, I am too, suspicious of my own intolerance to others, they're probably mirrors reflecting what needs to be healed in myself...

All the best to you both!

B

[savoie]

thank you for your kind words bacci. you are right - i am sure that he is going through his own process. it always amazes me when i see men suffering from a split - because my exes don't allow me to see it - that is if it happens at all.

 

i do know that both of us need to grow in order to be together. i need to be more tolerant and he needs to do certain things too.

 

i have no idea what will happen - but something last night - it seemed like he couldn't leave fast enough - in a hurry. felt very weird - i almost called him and asked him why.

 

im ok if it is time to let go. i really thought there was more between us. but, like i said before, his actions say nothing about him coming back to me. i wish things were different - but that is the reality as i see it.