discipline...?

[truthbetold]

Alright, me and my boyfriend of two years have had some disagreements on the topic of discipline. He has two boys a 10 and a 4yr old. My boyfriend believes in time out at the wall, but if the child continues to misbehave at the wall, he is made to kneel with his hands up over his head. No he doesn't stay there all day or anything, but a few minutes, and I guess there is controversy on whether or not it is torture or discipline. Personally I don't know if I agree with his method. My mother freaked out today when she walked in and saw him kneeling down, but he hadn't even been there for 30 seconds. The child was put in a different corner instead and had to stand there for a few extra minutes, she also bribed him that if he's good and stays in the corner than he could have a snack, that I don't agree with. I don't know, I guess it's better than hitting your child, but still the topic is very debatable. I would just like to know if anyone has a little insight to this issue because in these days I know that almost everything done to kids is done the wrong way, but they again most kids now are worse than ever.

[annie24]

if the child continues to misbehave at the wall, he is made to kneel with his hands up over his head.

 

if this is torture, then my yoga class is most definitely torture!

 

i don't know, this is a little tricky, since you aren't the childrens' mother, however, I think it is good you are keeping an eye open, as you could be the mother of his future children and the step-mother to these.

[trash mail]

the concept comes from a book called 123 magic. The technique is called time out and it works very well IF both parents implement it and stick to the technique. That means you mother should NOT try to bribe the child because it defeats the purpose and the punishment technique.

Your bf technique is a modified technique which is up to him to change. I dont think it is a big deal.

[southerngirl]

A time out should be one minute per year of age. The child should be told and should understand why they are in time out. They should be given a warning before the time out. Something like "If you do not stop hitting your sister you are going to go to timeout". Then, if the behavior continues the child is put in timeout in a calm manner.

 

This should be to a spot that removes them from interaction with others. A chair, a corner, a bed. They should have no toys and should not be watching tv etc... You then must ignore whatever they do in timeout and make them stay there. The whole idea of a timeout is so that they can gain control of theirselves in a manner that does not hurt their self esteem. it should be a way to help them learn discipline, not to break their spirit.

 

You do not argue or debate with the child. If they are 'acting up' while sitting there the best thing to do is ignore it until the timeout period is over.

 

I do not know if kneeling in that way is okay but then they arent my kids. I agree, this is better than hitting the child.

 

As for your mom saying she would reward him for doing the time out, thats probally a bad idea. Treats shouldnt be offered in reward for a timeout as time out is a form of discipline and it can be very effective.

[Mythical_Suicide]

IMO, It really isn't your mothers place to be having any say in how he disciplines his children ( unless ofcourse hes abusive, which this is far from abuse). They have to learn somehow and id much rather see someone put their child in a corner with their hands over their head rather than them hauling off and smacking them each and everytime they do something bad. My son is 2 and thats his punishment, he sits in the corner for timeout

[annie24]

As for your mom saying she would reward him for doing the time out, thats probally a bad idea. Treats shouldnt be offered in reward for a timeout as time out is a form of discipline and it can be very effective.

 

yeah, I agree. Then in the future, if the kid wants a cookie, he knows all he has to do is misbehave, sit in the corner for 5 minutes, and then he will get a cookie.

[Northalius]

That's not torture.

 

You don't think standing in the corner for a few minutes is torture, but what if another person came along and thought it was? You'd say "Oh, a few minutes won't hurt." Then the same can be said about merely kneeling with their hands above their head.

 

Discipline is a risky thing nowadays. Most go to extremes either way: Usually they either excessively beat their children, or they let their children run wild everywhere.

 

There must be a middle ground. If my kid is over the age of 5, and he is hitting another one of my children, I'll step in and lightly spank him/her to where they feel it, but not excessively; just to where you know they feel it, and'll learn it doesn't feel so nice, as compared to what they did to their brother or sister.

 

If children can't learn through the parent telling them not to hit others, then they must learn the hard way: by getting back what they gave another. That is justice.

 

I imagined myself being 3-4 years old, and thinking about my brother hitting me. How would I feel justice is to be done in return? That he gets what he gave me: a spanking from mom or dad. That is what's needed. Imagining my brother just punched me in the eye, hard enough to make it black and blue... but his punishment is to stand in the corner for 10-15 minutes, or an hour in his room? Sorry, no justice in that. He needs to get more than that. He needs to learn it's not nice to be physically hit like this, and the only way to effectively do that, is for the parent to spank them... but again, not excessively. If the parent truly loves their child, they'll do it out of love, not hate.

 

When you don't love your children, you beat them because you let your anger overcome you, and it's a big selfishness issue.

 

When you physically discipline out of love, you do enough to where they learn, and stop at that.

 

Spanking has been demonized by the media, because so many take it over to extremes and just beat on their kids unjustly. That's an extreme. A bad extreme.

 

Also, the reason why you see kids are worse than ever, is because there are the other majority of parents that take the opposite extreme: Hardly any to no discipline, for fear of hurting the child, or just thinking about the way the media demonizes physically disciplining children; thinking a lawsuit might come up out of it; or their children'll be taken away from them.

 

Kids shouldn't be physically spanked unless they intentionally hurt their siblings physically, as well. That's the only time I'd see a controlled spanking is needed.

 

As for tearing up the house, yelling and screaming, etc. ? I see standing in the corner a very good disciplinary action.

 

Things like this are never black and white. It's just like the truth: One says it's this way, another says it's that way... but usually, it's somewhere in the middle.

 

That's just my view on it.

[agent1607307371]

Does it work and does it cause the child disress?

 

I was spanked, and it was the best form of punishment (the second was being sent to sit on the stairs and wait for the man from the childrens home to arrive. It sounds humorous, and not as bad as a spank, but its messed me up more than a swat on my * * * ever did.)

 

As long as the child knows he's loved and that once he's done his time it's done, then I think that would be an ok technique. You have to talk to your mom about messing up the dad's discipline because it's not her place to do so.

[Batya33]

Dr. Joy Browne, a well known talk radio psychologist has the following opinion on the general subject of your input into the discipline of a significant other's child - basically, it's not your place at all if you are not the child's mother - you can insist that the child behave respectfully to you, and that's it. I agree with that and believe you should leave this alone unless he specifically asks for your input.

 

As far as the actual method - doesn't seem like torture to me - wouldn't be my favorite form but sometimes behavior modification is the only thing that works.

[sophie274]

I agree with Batya. I don't think it is your place to discipline the children, since they are his.

 

However, I think you should decide what you think about his methods, and how you would feel if you two had children together one day and those methods were used. Personally I don't like time-outs (never had them as a child but turned out fine anyway, lol!), but I would not consider it abuse or inhumane.

 

And definitely ask your mother to make sure she isn't undermining whatever method of discipline your boyfriend thinks is best - as long as he isn't abusing them.

[truthbetold]

I thank you all very much for your input. Well lol I guess I forgot to mention I do already have a child with him. She is 6 months old. I had seen his type of punishment before I got pregnant and we had some disagreements to discipline. When I was younger, I got hit, I also got time-outs, and I got the whole eye for an eye deal. I think if the child is young (2, 3, 4) does something like pinch another then that child should get pinched themselves. Not hard, no red marks but just to show them hey pinching hurts. I remember my mom doing it to me, told me to give me my hand and she pinched it. Then last night me and my boyfriend were talking about the whole when a child curses put soap in their mouth. Let me tell you I think that is way more inhumane then anything, when I was 3 I got soap in my mouth for lying and I still don't lie, it was that gross and scaring to me.

 

Anyways to get back on topic, I think time-out it a good method but you have to stick with it. My younger sister is horrible, she used to get time out but NEVER stay in it, she would just get up play with toys, ask for a drink, go to the bathroom, anything until her time was up. Now she is 10 and has VERY bad grades. My mom talked with her teachers and together they came up with a plan for how to discipline her into getting good grades. Now don't get me wrong some people get bad grades and they are trying but my little sister doesn't try. I mean she does sloppy work and tells us her teacher doesn't care if it's neat, and pretty much just as her teacher put it said that she is now just doing her work to get it done, and we told her she does the same thing at home. Now her punishment is supposed to be she can only have an hour a day to use either the phone, the computer, or the tv. But my mom has been very linent, she was supposed to go to bed early but she didn't make her because they were watching American Idol!! And then my mom changed it so that if she reads a book on the weekend she can have a friend over for the weekend. Well she had school vacation this week and the last 3 days she's needed to read a book and hasn't, and I feel my mom is just going to let go of her punishment like she always does. I know my mom has no place to say in how my boyfriend raises his boys not just because she's not related and that whole speel but because she doesn't even discipline her own child, whenever she does something wrong it's not even don't do that again, it's more if I say anything about how she was for me that day, they say well we'll deal with it you are not her mother!

 

Furthermore, I feel really out of place when it comes to my b/f's children. They come over our house and he has told me I can yell at them, and even his wife now has told me I can discipline them because they just won't listen anymore. They come over my house and I feel like a horrible person because my boyfriend won't always discipline them. We have the basement apartment at my mom's house, and so she is right upstairs, the first couple times the boys were over we told them not to go upstairs in the morning because everyone is sleeping and it's not really our house. What did they do that next morning, right up the stairs, and not even just the 4yr old the 10yr old too! We had to get up at 6 in the morning to drag them downstairs and they would've gotten away with being up there but they were too loud. My mom tells us we can't have a lock on our basement door, and that we yell at the boys too much, but what do you do at six in the morning besides say in a whispered yell "get down those stairs now and go watch tv or something, we told you your not supposed to be up here!" and all we got in return was a "well I'm hungry" They just don't listen, we brought them home last night and when we walked in we noticed that the fish tank was full of an obscene amount of fish food, we called and nicely my b/f asked did you feed daddy's fish and he (the 4yr old) said yes, and he knows better because he's been told a million times not too. So what do we do, we figure when they do something at our house they are punished at our house the next time they come if it's before they leave. BUT I think for a 4yr old he can't have suspended discipline like that, by friday i don't know if he'll even remember feeding the fishies way too much food.

 

Well that's it's for my big long rant about things

[southerngirl]

Suspended discipline isnt going to work. Your right. He probally wont remember. Oh the things my kiddo's have pulled...LOL.

 

Try to be patient and remember you are dealing with children. You can not expect them to be mature and think things through because they can only act like they are. KIDS.

 

When they were going upstairs and saying they were hungry did you feed them? They could have been hungry.

 

Some suggestions for those early morning 'im hungry and cant wait' days... Have stuff they can eat ready for them. You can always go and get it for them and bring it back. Ceriel Poptarts, toast.. those are easy to fix and something you can make quickly and quietly for them.

[ghost69]

you don't have a belt and a hammer? jk

 

you could recommend better ways to do this, but you should stay out since you aren't their mother. it doesn't seem that bad to me, but you should not reward them for timeout. that makes them want to get more timeouts.

 

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