GirlFriend of 4 Days Feels like she rushed it...

[NyGentleman]

Well for those of you who know me, Im back, its been a wild ride and Im sorry to say I havent stuck with the typical advice from everyone....For those of you who dont know me, the backstory as short as I can make it, Me and a girl, 2yrs friendship both in relationships, relationships fall apart, we grow closer, closer, closer, finally after VDAY we become 1, we are now together, (this was 4 days ago) .....

 

Up until 4 days ago she says she loves me all the time, loves spending time with me, being intimate, etc....Last night she stays over my place, everything is fine...

 

This morning we wake up have some breakfast and for some reason we start talking about our ex's ....Well the convo turned weird and awkard and we leave it at that...well for some reason i have been feeling weird the past 4 days since we made it official, what got me mad and hurt was that she wasnt comfortable letting people know we were a couple, (mind you we also go to school together) and she couldnt even really kiss me at school or be girlfriendy in front of any of our friends...it got me thinking alot.....

 

Well back to this morning i asked her do you still want to be together? and she couldnt answer....i got extremely mad and continued to ask her , well finally she speaks, says she feels as if we rushed it alittle, she is afraid and feels as if she is not ready to be serious, but says she doesnt want anything to change between us.... * * *? Just to key everyone in, when i asked the girl out was on VDAY, she got very nervous and so i told her take some time think it over and get back to me, well the following monday she told me she thinks we should be together, was hinting at it all day made it a point to make sure i knew that she finally wanted to take the next step!

 

4 days later she takes it all back?!? I dont understand, im hurt, and have many thoughts in my head, one of which how could i ever be with her now....she explains she is afraid and one thing that tipped her off was how she couldnt be so serious that she even told her friends (whom i just met a week ago and loved me) that we were together....she never changed her myspace status etc...it was like i was a secret like i was somewhat back in the ex's stage....

 

Im extremely heartbroken over this, and dont know how i can act normal with her again...

 

Well as a small update I get an email from her saying she is sorry and that she wants us to be with eachother for the right reasons and not because we have been so close after all the time we have been friends etc...she also says she didnt feel as if she had enough time to heal from her previous relationship ...wow what did this guy do to her...all i know is she was very expressive about him being her bf when they were together as for me even though very early no public status of us being together, ...thats how this all started...

[karvala]

This sounds rather familiar, in which case I feel obliged to slightly chastise you for potentially giving up so soon! I had similar stuff from my gf when we started, and still do periodically, because she has *major* baggage from previous marriage especially and a following relationship.

 

It's a lack of confidence, and if you want the relationship to continue/restart, then you need to provide enough confidence for both of you, to get you past this difficult time, until she begins to feel more comfortable. If you cave in at the first sign of doubt from her, and appear mad or hurt or whatever (and I entirely understand *why* you feel like that, but this isn't about what is right or fair, only about what is the best solution in the circumstances), then she is likely to think that her fears were right. I'm not generally in favour of bulldozing through people's doubts or fears, but in cases where there is a visible lack of confidence that has nothing to do with the present relationship, it is sometimes necessary. You have to tell her that she's wrong, that you're sure everything will be fine between you, and why doesn't she just give it a go, and have a wonderful experience with you. And if she doesn't believe you, say it again.

 

Similarly, you can also make it easier for her by not pressuring her to do the public thing at present. Let her keep it private between the two of you for the time being, until she feels more comfortable with it. Gradually it will become more obvious to other people, and she will realise that the world won't fall apart just because someone has noticed she's now with you.

[NyGentleman]

Thanks for the kind words, your absolutely right, but i fear i might have flipped out a little to much on the matter...she has been trying to text me all night and i have been ignoring her to some degree because i just cant believe how it all sounds, how it all just fell apart in one day (well not really one day she has been feeling nervous the entire time just never said anything about it)...but i mean one minute your intimate with someone and everything is fine and than the next minute your telling me we shouldn't be together for the sake of rushing and lack of confidence/baggage etc..it doesn't make sense to me....

 

All i ever wanted was her to be honest with me from the get go, than all of this would have been irrelevant ....she was the one who hinted at us taking the next step and i guess thats why its so hard for me to handle right now, i took the next step and she took a step backwards again....reminds me all to well of the ex's period (we had some minor drama with her not seeing what was right in front of her towards the end of her relationship)..

 

Now if anyone is counting this is 2x now that i have been stepping back to make it work, why is this so hard? Im so frustrated, and i thought us being together, me showing her that there are others out there that actually do care and can be everything that she wanted, (she even cried out of happiness the other night when i told her how i just love making her happy bc i love to see her smile) .... It all sounds so good, but she doesnt want to be official but doesnt want to change anything either...How does that work? :sad: