Question about "friends"

[Zaphod]

Hello there. Hope you are all well this fine weekend. Or as well as can be expected for a load of heartbroken people! - personally I'm kind of ok-ish I suppose.

 

Anyway - this "Can we be friends" business. Thought I'd talk about it. I've been thinking about this one for years and years now, I have experienced it over a course of - what - 20 years of dating and 15 years of serious relationships.

 

I am currently experiencing my ex contacting me before the NC period we agreed is over- so I suppose I'm in that boat at the moment.

 

I just don't understand - "why"?

 

When I have finished with women, I haven't even bothered saying "shall we be friends" - in my mind this is naive, thoughtless, and unfair. Also if I wanted to be friends with the woman, then why aren't I dating her? If I fancy her right? If I dumped her because of some personality trait I've found out (she's - racist, a lunatic, etc. - LOL) then why would I want to be friends with her?

 

Also - If I dump her because she's been cheating - again - why would I want to be friends with a person like this?

 

The only real circumstance I'd say seriously "let's be friends" is if we were good friends of years say, prior to the relationship. Then it kind of makes sense. But you would have to have a long NC cooling of period, mind.

 

Ok - I really don't undestand why some of our ex's seem SO keen to be friends with us - they break NC, try and get in touch etc. etc. - surely they wouldn't go to this much effort just to alleviate their guilt? To persistently get in touch. Saying "let's be friends" when people split up is a way of alleviating guilt, but contacting the person repeatedly up to months after the event?

 

I don't buy it.

 

I have noticed a lot of people on this forum are being contacted by their ex's in such a way.

 

Personally I am going to allow myself very limited contact with my ex at the moment - she is currently trying to get in touch, so I will humour her and see what it is exactly she's after. But I am on guard that she is insincere and just childishly trying to alleviate her own guilt. Or thinks (again naiively) that we can just slip out of lovers into friends.

 

However somehow this just doesn't ring true - has she got no friends or something? No - she has friends. Does she feel guilty? Maybe - but surely not enough to push the matter. Surely. Also - she is fairly in touch with herself and if I was betting on it wouldn't have her down as the world's no. 1 guilt - alleviater.

 

Do you lot think that sometimes the dumper wants to hang around for a bit and observe and be "friends" with the dumpee just to make sure they've made the right decision?

 

Could be an explanantion. In which case

 

1 : It's still a little manipulative and inconsiderate.

 

2 : How are we meant to act as the dumpee.

 

3 : Ok very unlikely but what if the dumper HAS made a mistake - it is possible to dump someone then regret it and want them back.

 

I suppose no. 2 and no.3 kind of link together.

 

So to use my own situation as an example - she is trying to get in touch, I am heartbroken, and have reached the state of mind where I have accepted (or just about) that we're over - well actually tell a lie, I'm about 98 - 99% there. Is 100% possible? I don't think so actually but that's a different thread.

 

I really don't know which way to act or what to do - and I get the impression a LOT of you are in the same situation.

 

I wouldn't want us to miss out on the chance of reconciliation with the ones we love, on the other hand I wouldn't want want to see us getting hurt another time by raising false hopes.

True - most couples don't work a second time round but some do - so I suppose the question is - how much are you prepared to risk?

 

For example - say one of you dumps the other in a heated row and blurts it out in the heat of the moment and truly regrets it - what then? NC for a year and never see the person again? That would be silly, surely?

 

Comments please? Let's talk this one through.

[Shaker]

Out of curiosity, why are you 'humoring' your ex?

 

It sounds a lot like your questions and thoughts about being friends have to do with power dynamics, making sure that you're not going to be vulnerable again and get hurt... No 'friends' should really make you feel this way.

 

My ex wants to be friends with me because we'd invested a lot of time and energy into getting to know each other, and like aspects of each other as people. Of course! That's why we dated for so long... My guess is for a lot of couples, even after a break up you don't want to lose the good bits and pieces that existed between you. And being friends looks like a way to preserve that, while sidestepping the issues that make you not work as a couple.

 

I can't be friends with my ex at this point because of the dynamics between us generated by the break up: I don't trust him as I once did, I don't respect him as much as I once did, and my real friends are so much easier to deal with: so, although the history b/w me and my ex is appealing (there were good times), my present day life is good without him. And I don't know what an awkward friendship would really give me at this point.

 

Him, I suppose. In a new capacity. A chance to see him in a new light. A chance for him to see me.

 

I don't need any of it. I need solid friends. I don't need to be baited through emails, I don't need to feel like he's testing the waters, I don't need to take on his burden that he might have made a mistake.

 

Onward and upward, I say.

[Daddy Bear]

Hey, Z. I'm doing well; glad you're at least ok-ish. Could be worse!

 

My quick take is this: maybe sometimes they still like us even though the spark of physical attraction has died in them for whatever reason. In that case, is it wrong for them to OFFER to be friends? It's not like they're forcing us. We can accept or decline, depending on how we feel.

[Zaphod]

There's some good posts there.

 

Personally my ex said she hadn't gone off me physically, and also the reason she gave me for splitting up would also IMHO come into play if we were friends, which I don't think she even realises. I think she thinks it would go away if we weren't friends - I don't quite get how.

 

It's not as cut and dried as - the other person doesn't want to have sex with you anymore - well that's straightforward, you just keep the friendship without the sex. But if the things that split you up would also come into play as friends then I really really don't understand how they think they can cherry pick parts and leave other parts out.

 

Perhaps people just don't think things through properly?

 

I'm really confused what to do. Is she just being so naiive that I have to gently explain this to her?

 

If anyone else has ex's "wanting to be friends" and knows or suspects the reason, feel free to vent on this thread!

[peteypie]

my ex does not have anyfeelings for me she says but we still have been having sex until she moved out today ( due to the situation we had i realised too late what i was being like and she had given up onus tried for 6 months but still not worked ), but she knows i have loads of feelings for her as i have told her so many times and asked her for another chance as the new person i now am. but says she sees me as a friend , or more than a friend as she put it today because we have had 3.5 yrs together as i moved her to her new house !what a head * * * * !whats more than a friend !

[Zaphod]

whats more than a friend !

 

Exactly. Maybe this is the difference between the way in which men and women think.

To me there are only two states I can be in with a woman - friends or lovers.

There is no "more than friends" state. The only women I am "more than friends" with without actually being their partner are the women in my family. They are "family" which is the only way in which someone can be "more than friends" to my knowledge. Apart from I suppose if someone is your mentor or teacher or boss, if you count that.

 

Do dumpers kind of do a stupid pill when they do the dumping that they suddenly invent this "more than friends" imaginary state?

This is what I find so strange - they all say the same thing (well nearly all).

[sfindependent]

I have been definitely thinking about calling my ex up, or visiting her at her work to see how things are going. Its been since November since I've last talked to her, and havent seen her longer than that. I do have to admit, i was REALLY BAD when we broke up. I made it difficult for both of us. I made it to where both her and I left respect for each other, and especially to myself. In short, it didnt come to a point where we were throwing stuff at each other in anger, but she became spiteful and hurtful, and I became a desperate, broken shell of a man.

 

Pathetic.

 

I tried to do the friends thing, immediately after we broke up. We would instigate and agree on NC, but she herself would end up breaking up with me and talk to me like we didnt agree on anything at all. It drove me nuts... "am I back in? What do you want from me? You're not dating him at all? Then Why are u ALWAYS hanging out with him?Oh, you need comfort, I see". In my state, I wouldve sold my liver if she asked me to, just to get her back.

 

There were two things that I didnt hear her say during all this drama. The first thing was (and I remember it like it was yesterday): We were sitting in my car and we were already broken up, and I said " I literally gave you my heart, treated u like u were family, shared my friends with you (and half of it she took), planned a future with u! does that mean anything to u? and you know what she said? "No.".

 

I didnt hear what she actually said about me and who I was and what she really thought of me. I continued to be her little go to boy. She called I picked up.

 

Pathetic no?

 

the second thing ( and the VERY LAST thing) I heard her say to me, when she called me up asking about her spare car keys were: "I hate you. I hate you like I've NEVER hated anyone else, hate you more than my no good father, even". Ouch. It hurt me.

 

But i dont think i can handle that right now. i think seeing her would not only bring back good memories, but the pain we both caused each other during the break up. When will that happen?

 

heck if I know.

 

 

sorry, this topic just rehashed old memories