broke NC on day 7, he wants to be friends. WHAT NOW??!!??

[want_his_love]

me and my BF of nearly 2 years split n valentines day. it was the biggest argument we have ever had and it was acohol fueld on my part. it involved him crashing his car. day after he said he didnt want anything to do with me.

 

day 7 of no contact i caved in and mailed him to ask how he was. he said he is missing me so much and he gets pretty upset and he is really confused. we talked about meeting up for something to eat one sunday soon.

 

yesterday we spoke again ... but i caved in BIG TIME,, was feeling really reallyl bad about the split and was crying fron 11am to around 8pm non stop... i was such a state that i couldnt even go to the shops and my mum had to come over and bring some shopping for me.

in the process if this i told him that i was missing him far to much and i love him and i want to be with him still. i told him that i have given up alcohol (i havent touched it for 10 days now, normaly i drink 2-3 times a week), also told him that i am on a waiting list to see a councellor to sort out my needyness and im generally doing all i can to make myself a better person. also i told him i am selling one of my most treaured possesions to help pay for the damage to his car.

 

he said he is really heartbroken and cries a fair amount about the split and he still loves me but there must've been major cracks in the relationship to argue as bad as we did and he just cant carry on in the relationship becuase he didnt liek the way he could see it going and he has to be strong and stick to his word. (he is very very stubborn and once he sais something he likes to remain true to his decision). he also said that he didnt want to hear me saying "i love you, and i miss you" etc etc becuase its jsut to painful for him and upsets him more

 

so i know he still has strong feeling for me, its just after that huge argument his mind seems to be dead set on not trying to work on things.

he knows i have given up the drink and am doing what i can to sort myself out so that an argument that bad would nevr happen again and i will stop being so possesive of him.. but he did say "it will jsut be another broken promise".

so i asked him if he will give me time as friends to prove to him that i really have given up alcohol and am bettering myself.

he wouldnt agree to seeing how things went and possibly getting together in the future... but he did say he did want to be friends and keep in contact and he wants me to be part of his life still. so its a start.

 

so what now?? what will be the best moves i can make right now??

i want him so badly and i know he still loves me but i just gotta make him see that i mean everything i say and it will go back to how perfect it was b4 that dreadful argument.

 

PS- his mum and most of his friends hate me now after what happened so i know its going to be harder as so many people he knows and see's regualr dont want him to have anything to do with me and think i am a total .

i think its a little harsh of them... but i guess all they see is the crashed car and dont think that it wasnt done pupously and i jsut didnt want him to go and leave me

[friscodj]

Hey WHL-

 

Look, don't think of it as "caving". This implies a negative connotation and in your case here, this is not the case.

 

You really felt in your heart you should contact him so you did. This is not wrong at all, especially given the fact there was a definite issue that was likely the driving force of the split and you are taking very real steps to address it. This is wonderful for you regardless of the outcome of this one relationship and in this way, this break up and resulting grief motivated you to take a very important turn in your life. Attaching positivity to the situation like this is huge when it comes to either attempting reconciliation or dealing with the grief of separation.

 

In short, you did great here...

 

Now...

 

Your desire to be friends in attempts to prove yourself to him ultimately desiring a relationship, and especially given his reaction of not wanting to hear your expressions of feelings for him yet his desire to "possibly get together in the future" while desiring to keep in contact, lead me to believe this is only going to cause more pain for you and preclude a real friendship between you two in the future.

 

My suggestion is since the feelings are still fresh, he is hurting badly, you are hurting badly, give this some true distance to sink in for your sake, while keeping in mind this will really test his resolve with this. Tell him how you feel, what you saw happening in the relationship, your steps to resolve your drinking, then leave it. When he calls (and I believe he will) answer and hear him out. Go from there...

 

At any rate, a "friendship" loathed in the ulterior motive of proving yourself to him in hopes for a reconciliation is not the way to go here. Make a very direct and clear expression of your feelings, observations, solutions, and desires, then leave it for a little while, maybe a week or two. Go from there. It's either all or nothing here I think.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i think the difficult part is that he is in the position of having to either trust his experience with you and your prior actions vs. your words in the form of a promise he is not sure you will keep. Plenty of times, people will promise anything to get someone back, and as soon as things are back to 'normal', then they go back to the way it was before and that those changes were just an attempt to manipulate the other person into coming back again. So a whole lot of rebuilding of trust is required here, and it sounds like he doesn't trust you based on how you behaved.

 

The first thing you have to do is to ask yourself if you are making these changes in your life because you personally think you need to make changes in your life, or because they are the vehicle to try to get him back. For you to permanently change, it has to be in your heart to do those changes for YOURSELF because you recognize that your life was going in ways it shouldn't (too much drink, fighting, jealousy, etc.) and it was negatively affecting you and others in your life.

 

A bonus *might* be if you got him back, if and when he felt the change was sufficient and permanent that he trusted it was real, but that cannot be your primary motivation, or he has good reason not to trust your promises (i.e., you do it to get him back, when he is back, you no longer need to do it anymore and sink back to where you were before.) So lasting changes don't happen overnight, nor quickly, and they don't always stick, so he is being very cautious and wary right now, becuase he probably knows and feels this.

 

so the focus has to totally come off trying to get him back, and onto making changes in yourself that you need to be healthy, and sticking to those changes.

 

you might ask him as a friend to participate in a few counseling sessions with you to help you, him, and the counselor understand the negative dynamics between you two, and what behavior you were engaging in as a couple that might have been contributing to your problems (or to gain the recognition that although you want him back fiercely, that may not be possible or desirable).

 

at a minimum, you must respect his wishes now, and recognize that trust is not immediately guaranteed just by someone making a few promises which can easily be broken, which is where he is right now.

 

you need to go off and work on you, and recognize that your first priority needs to be getting better, not getting him back. if you do serious damage to a relationship, it rarely goes back to the way it was before (you can't undo the past, and every experience together influences the relationship and feeling between you).

 

one has to spend time healing, and changing (genuine change) and maybe the relationship can be rebuilt, or maybe not, becuase it takes two to decide to try and put the work into it, and he may or may not feel it is worth it. at this point he doesn't, and you can't guarantee how he will behave in the future, regardless of your promises to change.

 

so it is really great that you are taking responsbility for your behavior, and as a friend you need to show him how responsible you are being, and keep that up until it is a permanent change, in fact, keep it up forever... but he may or may not be available for a relationship with you in the future becuase his feelings are his own, and if he feels too deeply betrayed by you, he might not be willing to risk it again.

 

so please work on yourself and try to take the focus off him for a while and put it onto healing yourself. it is always possible he might recognize when there is a true change and want to get closer to you, but that is not guaranteed, and should not be your goal because you might break your heart and disrupt your own healing if he doesn't behave the way you'd like him to and take you back.