today

[Gracelove]

I exercised today!!!

I'm so happy about that.

 

The extra weight I'm carrying puts me in pain. I look forward to getting rid of it now.

 

I'm still sad however, and it's hard to let go.

It's hard to let go of the eating.

For some reason I'm afraid to let go.

 

What do I think will happen?

 

I feel I need a place where I can be safe. A place where I can cry and not be bothered. Only then will I feel comfortable losing weight.....only when I feel safe.

 

At home, with my parents, I have no peace, I have no true alone time.......and without peace I'll never heal.

 

Safety is a really big thing with me these days.

 

I can only take one thing at a time.

 

Losing weight comes with it's own set of issues...people complimenting you, men staring and getting too close, in order to confront those fears I need some sense of security.

 

I'll do it for me. I'll work things out I know I well.

I'll keep exercising though, because that is helping the depression.

 

Whew!

 

As soon as I get my new job I'll move out.

I have the credit to do so.

 

I'll pay off my credit now, which will be fairly easy because I'm living with my parents.

 

Don't you just wish someone would hand you a job sometimes? It would be so nice.

 

I think I'll be able to mentally handle a second job, as long as I exercise.

 

The thing I miss most about school is the schedule. There are breaks inbetween classes.

Anywho......

 

So many things, I should take my time to work through them but sometimes I become so impatient.

 

But I'm so much more patient now than I was after I was raped. It took a lot of work, tears, and pain before I learned how to be patient with myself....that was so hard.

 

I'm watching T.V. and there is a woman on who is 900lbs.

It just makes me want to cry. I mean, how much pain do you have to be in to do that to yourself? How much?

And then you get in a place where you can't change, or it's hard to do so.

I just feel so sorry for her.

Nobody wants to be like that.

 

To not be able to walk........that's heart-breaking.

What is it about eating?

 

Do you think there is more pressure on people when they stop eating?

 

When I wasn't eating (so long ago), my parents were extremely strict because they believed I was becoming anorexic (which was true). But when I over-eat, they don't really say much.

Do you think society is that way also???

 

Anywho. Weight it the last thing I have to worry about.

It's everything else.

 

Oh well, step by step.

 

Thanks for listening,

 

Grace

[J6hn]

With the weight thing. Congrats on excercising but here's a suggestion.

Find someone to do it with you.

You'll be far more motivated, you'll keep eachother going and it wont frighten you as much when you see others coping. It's not as hard when you know someone else is going through the same thing you are.

[spirits]

Exercising does help one to feel better about themselves since they feel like they're progressing in comparison to times when people just sit and feel bad about their weight.

 

I just have one comment when you talked about you've been raped before. I really don't suggest you talk about it to anyone. I was very inclined to post, but after i saw that line where you said you've been raped, i didn't feel like posting anymore. I was thinking, "here's this messed up girl, i better not associate with her". This is the precise reason why you should leave the rape part as history and start a new life and don't let the past haunt you. Else, you won't attract people to your life.

 

Hope you succeed in your diet.