Does the Dumper suffer a broken heart, too?

[sunday13]

With my case, he was a basket case when breaking up with me. He held me, kissed me, then all of a sudden burst into tears, barely being able to speak. He said I deserve better, that he made himself sick, and that he was hurting me while trying to figure himself out. He said he had nothing left in him to fight with and that he was sorry and not to hate him. He said I had been wonderful. He said he would never forget me.

 

Was he just as broken-hearted as I was?

[shes2smart]

I don't know where anyone gets the idea that the person doing the dumping finds breaking up any easier than the person getting dumped.

 

I've been in both sets of shoes...more often the dumper than the dumpee...and both have their own set of aches, pains and miseries.

 

Neither position feels good.

 

Break-ups suck no matter if you're the one who initiates it or you're the one who's the last to know it's happening.

[suresuresure]

I don't know where anyone gets the idea that the person doing the dumping finds breaking up any easier than the person getting dumped.

 

To be fair, I think this is a pretty logical belief. I won't say the dumper always has an easier time than the dumpee, but I would imagine the odds of this happening are much higher than the opposite. At the very least, the dumper can mentally prepare him/herself prior to the event in the knowledge that it's definitely going to happen, while the dumpee may or may not be blindsided by the news.

 

No one's saying either position feels good, but being dumped, I think you may agree, involves a more immediate and concentrated type of pain.

[shes2smart]

To be fair, I think this is a pretty logical belief. I won't say the dumper always has an easier time than the dumpee, but I would imagine the odds of this happening are much higher than the opposite. At the very least, the dumper can mentally prepare him/herself prior to the event in the knowledge that it's definitely going to happen, while the dumpee may or may not be blindsided by the news.

 

No one's saying either position feels good, but being dumped, I think you may agree, involves a more immediate and concentrated type of pain.

 

The difference comes in WHEN the pain involved occurs, as I have highlighted in your post above.

 

By the time of the actual break-up, the dumper has had time to process the relationship's demise...they've already gone through some of the emotional "heavy lifting" where the dumpee is just at the beginning of the process.

 

Like I said, I've been in both positions. In some ways, being the dumper is harder because there's a sense of being responsible for the demise of a relationship.

 

Bottom line, both parties are going to be hurting for a while.

[rabbitskin]

 

Like I said, I've been in both positions. In some ways, being the dumper is harder because there's a sense of being responsible for the demise of a relationship.

 

 

Well said. I have more often been the dumper and it is a totally false assumption that it is harder to be dumped. The dumper suffers guilt, PLUS the temptation to 'cave' and take the person back, on top of all the feelings of loss. This is especially true if something happened in the relationship that caused the breaking point, because there is an agonising decision to be made, often considered for weeks or months before the actual act.

[suresuresure]

I see your "guilt" and "temptation to cave" and raise you "feelings of rejection and worthlessness"!!

 

No but really, you've both made good points and, assuming the two partners legitimately loved one another, it's always going to be nearly as difficult on either end. There's nothing sadder than the feeling of a great relationship slipping away.

[HurleyBabe6917]

I just broke up with my ex for good abotu a week ago.

Today he came over and I burst into tears.

I'm taking it far worse than he is.

He's trying to hide his feelings.

I can't.

I don't know if I've made a mistake or not.

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

Yes, dumpers feel pain too. Gosh, I am having a hard time comprehending as to why folks believe that the dumper has no heart, no feelings, no soul, no conscience. Or has it easier.

 

I ended a four year relationship in 2005 and yes, I was in agony. More so months before I actually ended it. I was scared of knowing that I no longer loved my ex, that I no longer wanted to be in the relationship, I was scared and worried about hurting him. But I was miserable. I was in a relationship that has run its course and it was going no where. And we talked, talked and talked and nothing changed. After I ended the relationship, I cried...A LOT. I was afraid I was making a mistake, that I have hurt him so much, I was plagued with sentiment. All of my nice things I had in our apartment were in boxes in my parents' basement for months. Everything I knew and was comfortable with was gone. I had to start over. And I knew I caused my ex much pain too and I felt extreme guilt over it. I had to adjust to not being with him.

 

But what many people fail to realize is that the dumper has felt pain for months, even years BEFORE the relationship actually ended it. But it seems like he/she has it easier because he/she had time to mentally and emotionally prepare. The dumpee did not. He/she must cope afterwards.

 

I have been on both sides of the fence, I have been dumped, I have been cheated on and I have ended relationships. It STINKS, no matter from which angle. But we all deserve to be happy. A person does the other a huge disservice by staying in a relationship he/she longer wants to be in (for wahtever reason) out of guilt, fear, or obligation.

 

I am truly sorry you are hurting. I hope coming here to eNotAlone helps you find peace. Hang in there.

 

 

(((hugs)))

[sunday13]

Thanks for all your replies

 

I ask the question because I have never dumped anyone. All the guys who have dumped me (minus this recent ex) have asked me back or gotten ahold of me to "see how I was doing" after months of not talking to them. I just wonder, if I was so great, why did you throw it away? My ex started thinking about it days before he did it. He didn't tell any of his friends...they were shocked at the news and many of them called me to tell me they really enjoyed getting to know me and that they were sorry to see me go. His best friend still comes by and he says my ex is stupid for letting me go and that if he would have talked with him about it, he would have said not to do it.

 

But, for my ex, this is a time where he needs to grow up and figure life out. I understand that journey is sometimes better single. It is hard to figure yourself out when trying to build a relationship.

 

It's been 2 months since we broke up. I was doing ok until today and I just miss him so much. I wonder if he misses me too.

[kellbell]

"I just wonder, if I was so great, why did you throw it away?"

 

I am not sure how it is for others but my last relationship was not great...at all. I was alone most of the time anyway (he traveled quite a bit), he worked erratic hours, put me in a huge debt, among other things. I would be throwing my life away if I stayed in the relationship.

 

I would never break up with someone I truly and honestly loved. But that's just me.

[isidore]

"In some ways, being the dumper is harder because there's a sense of being responsible for the demise of a relationship."

 

^

Hobblety-jobblety. Complete bunko. That's all I have to say.

[houdini]

I would think that being the dumper would be easier in a sense that they have gone through the process of grieving way before they actually break up with the other person. Many times the dumper will go through a breakup preparation process. I will us the analogy of closing the door to each floor of a 100 floor building, starting from the top working their way down to the last floor and at the same time going through the grieving process. During this time the soon-to-be dumpee has no idea that the soon-to-be dumper is working their way down through each floor. The dumper is closing the door to each floor until they've closed the door to the last floor and walk out instantly blindsiding the dumpee with the breakup leaving the dumpee in complete devistation. The dumper closes the last door and us dumpees race to grab them and pull them back in the building acting in a panic state (Crying,begging,professing undieing love,changes and regrets)

 

So to me I'm not sure if I agree with the other posts that the dumper goes through what us dumpees go through for the mere fact that a dumper has prepared themselves for the end and have grieved whereas the dumpee had no time to prepare and is instantly struck with grief. If anything the dumper only has to live with some regret of the failed relationship and also has to live with the idea if they did the right thing or not.

 

Just my two cents!!!

 

Houdini