"Hey Jealousy"

[dudecar46]

Here is my predicament:

 

My best friend and I have been growing further apart over these past two semesters, mainly because he is forsaking his family, his coursework, his friends, and most importantly, himself, for a girl. He has really lacked the effort to become "special" in my major of actuarial mathematics, and while he was once considered to be the 2nd most-promising prospect, his stock has surely fallen since then.

 

Now, I have worked my tail off to pass a professional actuarial exam that nobody else has passed at my age in the history of my college. As a reward, I was offered the chance to teach a class as a senior next semester, complete with pay...and how does my "best friend" react to the news. "Oh please, I will go up to the math dept. head and tell her that I will gladly teach a class for free."

 

My retort was not exactly "nice", for it was a harsh criticism upon his work ethic and ability; he made a choice to not go the distance in my field, while I am considered an actuarial trailblazer on my campus because of the work that I put into the program for three years. I felt that if he were to foolishly ask the math department head for his request, she would simply discard the idea for both of us due to the newly-formed complications in the process.

 

Needless to say, he is not speaking to me and the wedge between us is even deeper than usual. It is fairly obvious that he is jealous that I was extended such an offer, but was I right to stand my ground, ground that I truly feel to have earned through blood, sweat, and tears? (and stress

 

Any input is appreciated image removed.

 

I just don't know what to do...he used to be a different type of person who I looked up to...someone with career-related ambition and who was impervious to malignant influence...then he got into alcohol, social gatherings, and a fixation with women...now, he is just like everyone else who fits the template of a person who I really don't respect.

[adahy]

I just don't know what to do...he used to be a different type of person who I looked up to...someone with career-related ambition and who was impervious to malignant influence...then he got into alcohol, social gatherings, and a fixation with women...now, he is just like everyone else who fits the template of a person who I really don't respect.

 

First, Congrats! Hard work pays off.

 

Secondly, when guys get involved with women they often put other relationships on hold...or those relationships become secondary. That's how it works most of the time, for guys and gals alike. He has his priorities and you have yours. Career goals are nice, but they rarely bring 'personal' fulfillment. Nothing wrong with choosing to have fun, to be in love, or to be social. Life comes and goes really fast, and when you look back on life one day - you might wonder if making an 'A' on a math test was really that important?? So unless he's 'really' self-destructing, I wouldn't worry about it.

 

Keep working hard though, but keep other things in perspective. Things outside of career are often what makes life rewarding. Also, friends come and go...especially in a transitional stage such as college. So, let him go if you must.

[karvala]

Your question "was I right to stand my ground?" is actually more than one question in reality, since there are different components of behaviour that could be assessed individually.

 

Were you right to tell your best friend, and are you right to feel aggreived at his response? Absolutely, yes. You're completely in the right here, in case you're in any doubt (and congratulations on getting the paid teaching! ).

 

Did you handle the situation optimally after your friend's bad response, by standing your ground as you did? Well, possibly not. Nobody could doubt that you have a full right to defend yourself, but on the other hand you see where it has got you now, when a little bit of withdrawal, a more reasoned, detached response (difficult, undoubtedly), might have alerted your friend to his own unreasonable response, rather than giving him something to hide behind.

 

I share your sense of disappointment in what has happened with him, but all you can do is what you're doing: improving yourself, and letting him make his own mistakes, or alter his own priorities to put it more charitably. He's not the first, and he sure won't be the last.

[dudecar46]

Thank you for your great replies; you both make a lot of sense! I will elaborate upon my situation a little bit more:

 

I have offered help, for months. I have stood by him through thick and thin as his wingman while getting my own emotions trampled upon by him ignoring our once strong friendship. I am not humble, but I am not nearly as arrogant as I come off as, as I only take credit for those things which I have earned...I studied over 300 hours to pass that exam, so I feel entitled to brag a little bit.

 

I don't want someone who decided to go drinking and toss his ambition aside to interfere with my hard work, is all. My abilities are trivial, but my effort is what I take great pride in...and he is, in my opinion, not entitled to the same opportunities that I am as a result (like teaching this class).

 

But make no mistake about it, this is not love...this is lust, and what makes matters worse is the fact that this girl has a boyfriend of over 5 years, which I will admit does not sit right with me.

 

The person who I once knew would at least make an effort to learn from his mistakes, but they are constantly being repeated...so I will admit to being arrgavated.